Please eat

Please eat, imagine if in 30 years time you're still living with this horrible illness because you didn't make the decision to recover now. Eat that cake and buttery toast before bedtime, have a milky hot chocolate with melted marshmallows in it because although those things seem very significant now, in the bigger picutre they're really not. In 30 years time you won't even remember eating the 'scary foods' but what you will remember is spending what's meant to be the best years of your life worrying about grams of fat, sugar and calories.

What is Ana doing to you?

I was with my psychology specialist yesterday and she really made me think. What is it that I am trying to achieve? What is it my eating disorder wants me to achieve?
      I did not need to think for long. Of course it is to be thinner, better and more beautiful. That is all I have ever wanted to achieve. Do I want to be perfect? Eh YES. Of course do I want to be perfect, who doesn't?
     But when will I achieve perfectness? I’ll be perfect when I am thin, beautiful and good enough.
     When will I achieve being “beautiful enough”? I answered: when people will notice me.
     When will I be “thin enough”? I answered: when I can see that it is enough.

That is a dangerous thought don’t you think? Measuring myself by my distorted thoughts. Will I ever achieve those goals? There is a quite simple answer to that: Nope. The thinner I’ll get, the higher the standards get. Achieving “perfectness” is undoable. It is impossible. Just like when I made myself a goal weight and said: “when I will be x kg, I’ll be satisfied”. But what happened when I got to that weight? “Just five more kg and I’ll be happy” that’s what happened. And that is how it continued, and would have continued till I disappeared, if I had not been stopped. The standards got higher as the weight got lower. 

While Ana (Anorexia Nervosa) is making you want to achieve perfectness (which is not achievable), she is actually dragging you as far away from it as possible. It is different from person to person what ‘perfect’ is, but it most often goes on appearances (hair, eyes, smile, face, body and such things). As well as wanting you to achieve her standards of ‘beauty’ and ‘perfect’, she is dragging you down with her, not letting you eat, making you restrict, making you feel guilty and making you completely paranoid. By doing like she says, you won’t reach her standards. Not only because they are unreachable, but also because you destroy your body. 
Your smile disappears and her empty look comes instead. The glimpse in your eyes that once exampled your joy and happiness will be long gone and replaced by a sad glimpse of tears. Your beautiful hair that used to flax in the wind will fall out in clumps and your skin gets dry like a desert. The life as you know it collapses. You won’t be yourself anymore, you will be her. But what is she? Who is Ana?  

We all have different opinion on her and we all experience her differently. She is not the same for anyone. No two Ana’s can be compared to each other. 

For me she is bossy. She’s a bully. Her voice is the voices of my bullies that are constantly on repeat in my head. She is every bad word in the dictionary. She never lets me catch a break and take a deep breath. But she is also a friend. She is a friend that has been there for me for a long time. When I felt alone and forgotten, she was there telling me that everything will be OK, as long as I lost a few pounds. She assured me that everything would be OK, if only I would drop lunch. She assured me that starving myself would make me feel a lot better and people would start liking me. But as the time went by she got stronger. She told me to disappear. To be so small that no one could see me anymore, because no one noticed me either way. I was a wallflower, and she told me I could as well be dead. That it would not make a difference for the world if I wasn’t present. She is a mean ‘little’ devil sitting on my shoulder, criticizing my every move. 
 Even though my heart was beating (and still is), I wasn't alive. She took my life away and replaced me with herself. I might have been called M, but in my head M’s thoughts didn’t matter. I was lost. I am first now finding myself again, even though I get lost once in awhile, I fight to find me again. And that is what matters. 

What is common with every Ana out there is that nothing she says is true, she’s a liar. Even though she tells you that what she says is the truth and nothing but the truth, she is lying. She couldn’t be more wrong. She is a murderer that comes uninvited into your life and does everything to see you suffer. She manipulates you with her sneaky ways to think that she is your friend, when everything she is, is your worst enemy that doesn’t want you anything good. And if you don’t fight, she will eventually kill you. Take your life away and put it nicely on her shelf as an award among so many other awards. Too many other awards. She keeps an ever going list of records over life she has succeeded with snapping away from innocent human beings with her sneaky ways. All you can do is fight. Fight till she disappears into the corner, scared and afraid of the strong, fantastic soldier you have become. You got to keep going and be a hell of a soldier that does not let a criminal like Ana boss him around! Fight like you have never fought before, that is the only thing that works!

Day 22

Describe your goals for your future. 

I want to be happy. I want to be healthy. At the moment, that are my main goals, because if I'm happy AND healthy I can do mostly anything I can ever dream of. I want to be able to go to a university in England, live in a big city, travel, have kids, adopt a kid, have enough money to take my kids on a huge trip to africa for a year, homeschool them while I work as a vulenteer and etc etc and etc. Those are my dreams, something I work towards in life, but as you can see, those dreams won't happen for the next 3 years or so, but I can work towards them, right?
My short time goals are: 

• Be able to travel to Germany or Scotland with my class (I didn't get to go to the Netherlands with them) 
• Be able to enjoy the time I get in February with my ultimate worlds best friend. He is coming to visit me and I am so excited!!! 
• Be able to travel to Tenerife with my family in the Easters 2014, AND enjoy it! 
• Get mostly A's in school (only few B's are allowed ;) ) 

Day 18

Here’s a challenge. Come up with a hobby you’ve never done or haven’t done in a while that has NOTHING to do with eating or exercising or cooking. Totally non eating disorder related. What is your hobby? Why did you choose it?

Horse-riding. I didn’t choose it because of the exercise, and I’ve never ridden with the thought of “exercise” in my head, but because when I’m riding I feel completely free, ED and mental illness free, and I LOVE it! 

Have you ever seen such a beautiful horse as this one? Nope, that's what I thought. I am a proud owner of this stallion and he's just perfect! The man in the first photo is my grandpa btw :) 

Day 7

 Sorry for continuing this 30days challenge so late hehe, buuut I will finish it sometime ;) 

Do you think the media contributes to the growing rate of girls developing eating disorders younger and younger?

Well, everything has its consequences and effects on PEOPLE (not only girls, but boys as well) that are sensitive for developing an ED and yes, I have to say that media contributes to the growing rates. They put the standards for “good enough” higher and higher. It’s always: “you’ll be prettier, better, hotter and etc, if you use this and that and these products.” Why can’t we just be enough, just the way we are? 

Why continue?

Why exactly am I doing this? Why am I pushing myself so hard everyday when I can just lay around and show my middle finger to the rest of the world? When I can experience my dream, my dream weight and dream life. Why don't I just give up on this eating, eating, eating, when that's all I want to do at times?

I have an answer for that.

Today was a shitty day, well the days before that were that also, but today was even worse. It has come to that point that I don't cry anymore. When I get sad, I get so extremely sad that all I do is stare into an empty wall and completely fade out. At that moment I ain't myself, I ain't anyone. I've disappeared, mentally, but physically I'm still there. I haven't cried in a long long time, or well, since July this year when I was inpatient and my mom came to visit me after we've been 6 weeks apart. Today that changed.

You should probably know some background details:
My dad doesn't understand how routines around mealtimes are for me to be able to fight this demon. He has been staying with us since Monday and I've dropped many meals since then, eaten less than 1000 kcal in one day when I'm really supposed to have 2500. And yes, I'm in a relapse.

Back to why my period of no crying took an end today:
I felt really guilty, miserable and ashamed both because I hadn't eaten and because I'm having a really bad body-image day today and I knew I had to eat but I didn't want to. I didn't know what to do, so I decided to call my ultimate favourite person in the whole world: my grandma. I needed to ventile to someone I knew would support me, incourage me and make me feel a lot better. Also I hadn't talked to her in a while and I really missed her.
At the exact moment I heard her voice, I felt the "crying feeling". The feeling of your throat closing up, your eyes getting wet and actually a feeling of relief by finally getting it all out.  It felt SO good! She always makes me feel better, no matter what. She has always been there for me and she is my rolemodel.
She incouraged me to get up and make me dinner (even though it was 21:30) and told me how great and strong I am. I love her.

She is the one that got me into recovery. She cried while begging me to get better. She was terrified of losing me and she had already lost me into the disorder. Seeing her crying because of me made me want to try recovery just for her, because she deserves so much better. So much better than having a grandchild wich worries her that much.
If I would give up on recovery now, I won't be disappointing her. I would be disappointing myself. I would make my grandma even more worried than she already is, and that would literally kill me. I can't do that to her.
That is why I will do my ultimate best to recover. For my grandma because she deserves so much more.

-M ♥

No good posts lately

Sorry for no good posts lately, I just don't feel like blogging about how well I'm doing in recovery because then I would be lying. I'm hanging on though, but it is hard.
Yesterday I only ate about 1000 kcal and that's WAY to little considering I walked/ran almost 10 km in an hour and well, I have to gain to get my period back. But I'm afraid of gaining. I don't want to get fatter than I already am... I know that's my ed talking, but it's hard to not believe it when it's constantly on repeat in my head.
Now I'm laying here, blogging on my mobile, about to go in the shower, and then go outside to show my dad around (he's on a visit from Iceland)
Hope you're doing better than I am. Love you and stay strong!

My food

Recently I started to upload photos of my meals on instagram (margrets_recovery). Here are some of them:

Day 1

Ok….. this is going to be tough. I don’t even know if I want to, it’s too embarrassing and the number is way too high…… but I guess to challenge myself and my ED, I have to… ok, here it goes: I’m 176 cm (5”9) and 63 kg (138 lbs). I am struggling with Anorexia and I have struggled with it since 2009, with periods of EDNOS with anorexic tendencies.  I’ve been in recovery for 2 and ½ months now.

Born again

Today I haven't done much else than math and well, eat ;)
For breakfast I made banana and Cocos pancakes, for lunch I had leftover wok from yesterday's dinner and for midday snack I had chocolate cake which is one of my worst fearfoods, but I'm still alive ain't I? So I guess it wasn't too dangerous :)
For dinner I'm having Swedish meatballs and spaghetti, also a fearfood of mine, but I guess I'll survive that too :D
I'm feeling really motivated atm and it feels like I'm being born again!!
Love it!
-M

 I haven’t been feeling particularly good since yesterday. But I won’t bore you with depressing anorexic thoughts, they’re not healthy and I know that. So ignoring those thoughts is the only thing I can do at this moment, or at least try my best to.

Lunch time

It's lunch time now and I actually brought food with me! And I'm eating it! I'm quite impressed since Ana doesn't like food and eating at school, but I didn't let her control me. It's MY body and MY decisions, not hers.
Todays lunch consists of a wholegrain non wheat bread with creme frés (?), an egg and a bit oregano and lemon pepper. For dessert I'm having 2 pieces of my raw vegan brownie (recipe in an earlier post)

Tired of being tired

I'm tired of being tired all the time. I'm tired of freezing. I'm tired of being in bad shape. I'm tired of being constipated. All I can do is wait. Wait for my body to start working again. I'm in worse shape than my grandma, and she has lungproblems.... that's how bad shape I'm in.

I went for a walk earlier today (NOTE: my first walk alone in weeks!!!! I'm proud!) I walked for about an hour and stopped regularly to take pictures. (I photograph a lot, a alot, a lot! ) I went to a park here nearby and photographed birds, nature, horses etc. On my way home my body was giving up. My feet were unbelievebly heavy, my eyes were about to close and I almost fainted. BUT my mind was set on finishing this walk. I was going to get myself home! I just had to! I got home, but it took a hell of a lot longer time than usual.... and now I'm about to fall a sleep, even though I slept for 11 hours last night. 

I'm tired of this. I wish it never went this way!

Here are some photos from today:

Story of an ED

You know those days when you don't want to get out of bed? The days you don't feel like interact with anyone and just want  be by yourself? The days you don't even see a point in existing and nothing goes your way? You're tired, so extremely tired. Tired of everything and everyone, especially yourself. You're disappointed, unhappy, depressed, sad and hopeless. You're trying to decide wether you should get out of bed or not. "Not" seems much more appealing, but you go for "get out of bed". You go for the challenging choice and you get out of bed, get dressed and if you're feeling extremely strong and powerful, you poor some low calorie cereal in a bowl and then drown it in low fat milk. You look at the clock, it's 5 to 7 am. You throw what's left of your breakfast in the trash because you wouldn't dare to finish those 50 grams. You grab your bag and run out the door, without a lunch pack, to catch the only bus that drives through your neighborhood this time of day. Technically, you didn't have to run. You only ran to burn the calories you just consumed. Filthy, disgusting calories. The guilt is killing you. Why were you so weak? why did you give up and eat? You run a little further, past your bus stop, and towards the next one couple hundred meters away. You check what time it is and see that you have enough time to run to yet another bus stop further away. When you arrive at the third stop you see the bus come driving towards you. You get on the bus, sit down and finally you can catch your breath. Your heart is beating like never before, your body is about to give up, but you are happier than ever before. Or at least you feel like you are, but the truth is: you're miserable. You know you shouldn't have run, you know you're supposed to be proud of yourself for eating breakfast, you know it all, but your head tells you otherwise. It tells you that you're strong for starving yourself, that you don't deserve food, that you look so much prettier if you don't eat, that a single calorie makes you fat and ugly. It even tells you that you're worthless. Your thoughts don't count anymore. You've lost all control. The control you once had, is comepletely gone. You know what you're doing to yourself, but you don't care. Why care when you're eitherway too fat and disgusting, this at least makes you thinner, but you're never thin enough. The last couple of months you've seen the number on the scale drop drastically, but it's never low enough. You're constantly finding new places to squeeze fat, or what you think is fat, but really is skin or a relaxed muscle. You don't care, if it's pinchable, it must go. Your hair is falling out and your skin appears gray. Your teeth and gum hurt. Your body is covered in bruises that you don't remember getting, they just appeared from nowhere. Every movement you make and every step you take hurts. Your muscles are sore and most of all: the spark you once had in your eyes, is completely gone.
Now it's just a matter of time when your heart stops beating and sends you away to a better place. A place where your troubles are nowhere to be seen. One day the beating stops and you're jumping from one cloud to another when you look down, all the way down to earth. You see your family. Your younger brother is crying. He's crying because he lost his only sister. His older sister, who was supposed to look after him, to be there for him, is now gone. Your mom is standing by his side. She's crying too. You have to look away. You can't bare to see your mom crying, even though you two never really got along. A tear slides down your chin. You see your dad coming towards your mom and put her arms around her. Your younger brother joins in and all three of them are now crying together. Your eyes are filled with tears and your cheeks are wet. You wish it didn't go this far. You wish you didn't let this disorder take your life away, that you tried to take control when you had the chance. You wish all this didn't happen. 


"Beep, beep, beep, beep", your alarm wakes you up. You look around yourself and you can't believe it, you're alive! You jump out of bed, get dressed, poor some normal cereal into a bowl and drown it in full fat milk. You pack your lunch, check what time it is and it is 5 to 7 am. It's time you go out the door to catch the only bus that drives through this neighbourhood this time of day. You take one step over the threshold and take a deep breath. The fresh air after a storm fills your lungs. You walk to your bus stop and wait for the bus. When the bus arrives, you get on it, sit down and think to yourself : "Today my life begins!"

Will I ever get thin enough?

Will I ever be thin enough? Is it even possible?
I have realized that I will never be thin enough. I will never be happy with my body. I won't get thin enough, at least not in this body, that's for sure. Maybe if I suck in my organs and crush my ribs, press my body flat with the surface and cut it into pieces, I'll be thin enough. Maybe THEN I'll be satisfied.
At this moment I satisfy myself with sucking in my organs as much as possible, even though that's not good enough. Nothing is good enough. Ever.

People stare and people talk. Some of them know about me, others don't. They stare at me, thinking I'm too fat to be in public, too damn disgusting. I just keep staring at the ground. I won't look them in the eye. I'm too ashamed. I just wan't to disappear from the surface of the earth. Why can't the earth swallow me? In one piece, please.

Some people look at me with sympathy and empathy in their eyes. I don't like it. The "poor you" look. I hate it. I'm not "poor me", I'm not even sick. Well OK, I have a disorder, but there are so many others in the world that have it much worse. Spare your "poor you" looks for them, they deserve them, I don't. I really don't.

-M

"Just get better"

When will people understand that people with eating disorders can't "just eat", "just stop counting calories"or "just stop weighing yourself". It isn't that easy. It's much more complicated than that.

You're afraid of spiders? well get over it. Oh you can't?  why can't you just hold a spider? it's not that hard, just do it.
No exactly! you would freak out because you are afraid of spiders, and therefor won't hold one.

An eating disorder is similar to that. We struggling with an ED are afraid of food. Food and nutrition freaks us out. It's not something we made up. It's something our brain has done to us with out us knowing. It's a mess up with chemicals in our brains. It's a disorder, a disease.

You wouldn't say to a cancer patient :" just get better" like he/she would be able to control it. The same goes for eating disorders and other mental disorders. We can't "just get better".
-M

I wish

Over the last 3 and a half months, I've been in a hospital all in all for 2 whole months.
Is this a life? No, not at all.
I want to live a as normal life as possible. I want to be able to eat what I want, when and where ever I want. I want to enjoy myself. Be confident and strong. But I ain't and I can't.
No matter how much I swing between wanting to recover and not accepting that I have a problem, I'll never be normal. Despite progresses and hard working, the Ana will always be dwelling beneath the surface. Even though at times I won't notice her, she'll be there and I'll have to be extra careful to not wake her up. Everything, anything and nothing can trigger her.

What's going through my mind right now

Could be triggering

I don‘t know what to say. I don‘t know what I want. I do not accept it, not right now. I don‘t want to. I'm too fat to have Anorexia. But I know. I know what‘s happening. I know what‘s wrong, but I don‘t accept it.  This isn't happening to me, it can‘t, I'm too fat.  I‘m not struggling. I am fine. I‘m managing.

I just want to reach my goal. A specific number. I will reach it. I have to. I‘ve destroyed too much of my process to “perfection“ . I will be able to stop when I‘ve reached my goal. I promise. Just let me reach it and then I can get better. Only 5 more kg. Then I can stop. Or, no, 10 kg.  10 kg and I’m happy.

I’m so irritated and mad. Irritated and mad at myself.  I didn’t want to go to the hospital. I didn’t want to be admitted. My family and doctors forced me to. I know it is to help me get better, and I’m glad for everything everyone has done for me during this process.  But I’m not sure I want to get better. Only few more kg and I can get better, if it involves not gaining weight.
If I gain weight (which I haven’t), I’ll freak out. I weigh myself at least 5 times a day and that’s only a minimum.  I have to see if I can allow myself to eat or not, but I end up eating either way because I’m forced to.  

I get fatter and fatter by every bite I swallow and that’s pathetic. I’m pathetic.  Pathetic because I eat and pathetic because of this voice that takes over. Everything about this is pathetic.

Calories, calories, calories. I’m being eaten up inside and out of the thought of them.

But I’m trying to fight those thoughts. I listen to everything people tell me, but it’s hard to believe those unbelievable sweet things they're saying to me because the voice saying the exact opposite , over powers them. 

I have so many wrong beliefs and misunderstands when it comes to food and nutrition... all on purpose. I can’t sort the logic thoughts from the sick ones. They take over all logic and what’s left is a mindset of thoughts that I fail at controlling. Thoughts that are negative all the way. Destructive and overwhelming thoughts.
I try to turn them around. I fight them as hard as I can, there is if I discover them or get reminded of how wrong they are.

I actually get more and more closed up each passing day. I feel that everyone is trying to make me fat. I’m eating and I feel fatter and look fatter. Even though the scale doesn't show a difference, I can see it in the mirror.

I know that almost every thought that’s written here is wrong. I do know. But I’m stuck in this confusing set of thoughts. I’m tired. So very tired of this disorder which I swing between accepting and not accepting. I wish it hadn't gotten to this point. I wish I had turned around when I had the chance. When it was easier. It was a unintentional decision that I wish I hadn't made.

- 

         -M 

(Pictures from Weheartit.com)

Consequences

There are more negative sides to eating disorders than there are positive.
Some of the consequences you'll be dealing with if you get an eatingdisorder (especially anorexia or ednos with anorexic tendencies):

• You get soft, light, hair all over your body (lanugo) due to your body isn't getting enough energy to keep you warm. You'll feel like a monkey.
• Cold. You are constantly cold! When your friends are wearing shorts, you'll be wearing trousers and a hoddie and STILL be freezing.
• Constipation. It's awful. It makes your stomach and tarms comepletely blown up. You don't have to use the toilet for weeks, wich is pretty ok, but it only fucks up your body up even more. It hurts so much when they begin working again. Not worth it! 
• Loss of self-esteem. Extreme loss of self-esteem. You start to criticize every little inch of your body. Even though you weigh ridiculously little, you still feel and see yourself as a obese person. It's tiring to never be satisfied with your body. I would like to try that once.
• Shame. Shame of your looks. Shame of your disorder. Shame of not dealing with it well. Shame of dealing with it (eating). Shame of this and shame of that. I could continue for at least 5 whole pages. You literally get ashamed of everything! 
• Loss of energy. You like to play football? You like to go for a run? or hang out with friends? Well, if you want an eating disorder, you can kiss those interests goodbye now. You won't have the energy to do any of them if you begin restricting or starve yourself, so why bother? 
• Loss of social life. If you're thinking about beginning to restrict, or begin on a ridiculous diet, you can as well say goodbye to your social life now. Because before you know of it, you'll be sitting alone in your bedroom every night and every day, completely isolated.

You still want to restrict or starve yourself? 
Well here's a list of other consequences:

• The heart muscle changes, and its beat becomes irregular, potentially leading to cardiac arrest and death.
• Dehydration, kidney stones, and kidney failure may result in death.
• Liver damage (made worse if substance abuse is also a factor) may result in death.
• Menstruation often stops, even before extensive weight loss. This is called amenorrhea and can lead to infertility and bone loss or osteoporosis.
• Muscles waste away, resulting in weakness and loss of function.
• Permanent loss of bone calcium leads to fractures and lifelong problems of osteoporosis.
• The person becomes intolerant to cold (especially in the hands and feet), and has sunken eyes, hair loss, bloating, and dry skin.
• The immune system weakens.
• Skin becomes dry and blotchy and has an unhealthy gray or yellow cast.
• Anemia and malnutrition may result.
• Fainting spells, sleep disruption, bad dreams, and mental fuzziness may result.

Don't think that "this won't happen to me", because believe me, it does.

I hope you've changed your mind, because it really isn't worth it. Your life isn't supposed to be spent in weakness and sickness. You should live your life when you have the chance! You got that chance and you should grab it before it's to late! Not everyone has that chance. Appreciate it and enjoy it!
-M

Relapses

Reapses are the hardest part of recovery. I'm having a relapse now and I really can't see what all this fuss is about. I'm not sick. Not even a little bit...
That's my Ana talking, and I know I shouldn't listen to her. But it's hard. Really hard. Harder then anything I've ever done before.
I fight it everyday. The thoughts, the tendencies and the "voice" that's constantly saying something negative about me in my head. Especially when I'm eating and afterwards. It's Ana. Destructive, down breaking and disgusting voice that has taken over my life.
Because of her, I've become overly concious of my body, ridiculously insecure and over the top hard on myself.
I have to remind myself constantly of that during recovery, there will be relapses, but I can't give up. After a relapse, there's recovery. I just have to fight. And I'm not losing, even though I have relapses. I'm losing if I give up during relapses. And I'm not going to lose this war!
-M