Haters gonna hate

It’s unbelievable how ugly some people can be, and by that I don’t mean in appearances. You can be world’s most beautiful person alive in appearances, but inside you can be the ugliest person that has ever lived. 

The things people allow themselves to say are horrible. They break people down. Destroys that little self-esteem they’ve spent months or even years building up, and leaves them with nothing.

I’ve heard plenty of incredibly offensive things about me, personality and appearances. Right now, I don’t get why they said those things. They seem so incorrect and stupid. But at the time  they were said, they were the only truth. It didn’t matter if anyone told me otherwise. My classmates and other people at school said those things; they must have meant them, because why would they else say them? Whatever anyone else tried to say against it, they only said it to be nice. But there I was wrong.

I have never been fat or overweight, but still that was what I got to hear regularly from my fellow classmates. Why? I don’t know. 

I’ve always been extremely insecure about my body. At 5 years old all I wanted was to get a fat sucking operation to get rid of my chubby thighs. I hated them. I always have. I WAS 5 YEARS OLD!! I was still in kindergarten! Hadn’t even started in 1^st grade!

My 5th birthday

Then when I started in 1^st grade I got bullied because I was so “fat”. I remember people begging me to compete with them about who was thinner, and of course they were all small boned girls. Then because I didn’t want to participate or lost, they laughed. I was 6 years old!
This continued for a while + I got bullied because of my short temperament. When I think of it, of course I had short temperament! I was hurt, extremely hurt and down broken. I wasn’t able to communicate with words, because I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t understand it and like I said: I was hurt. They ran after me, took my hat and threw it between themselves and in puddles. They splashed water on me, pushed me, pulled my hair and commented my body. That was in 1-4^th grade. Can you imagine? 6-9 year old children? There was even a boy in 7^th grade that participated in those horrible things. He was the worst. He tried multiple times to break my arm, and he wasn’t far away from doing so. I didn’t want to go to school and when I did, I came home crying, every single time.

Teachers didn’t do anything. All me and my mom got to hear was that I offered them to do those things. That it was reasonable that they did what they did. That broke me completely down to the ground. I was 9 years old…

9 year old Spicegirls fan

After 4^th grade we moved so I could start in a better school. Things didn’t get any better. The bullying continued, not only from fellow classmates, but also from two guys and a girl in 9^th grade.  9^TH GRADE! Can you believe it?!?

What makes 15 year old teenagers think it’s ok to bully a 10 year old??  Where do they get that logic from? Well to put it that way: School didn’t do much this time either. They too said that it was reasonable that they did what they did, considering what kind of homes they came from and etc.
That is NOT a good enough excuse to ruin someone’s life!  Nothing is

This continued and in 8^th grade I could count on one hand the times I had been invited to birthday parties, out to play or other social occasions.  I blamed myself. What else could I do? That was all I got to here; that it was my fault. I considered suicide all the time, non-stop. Not only in 8^th grade, but in 1^st grade as well. In 8^th grade I officially developed Anorexia Nervosa, not weird considering, right?

Broken down 8th grader

 It wasn't till now that I opened my eyes and saw that none of those things were my fault. But I can’t not think about why they did what they did to me and not to the girl besides me. Why me? I guess it was better that I was the victim than anyone else, because I wouldn't want anyone to experience being bullied like that. 2 different schools, 8 years, and nothing changed.
The bullied continued after I moved to ANOTHER country after 8^th grade. Can you believe it? No, neither can I.

What would it take to make them stop? Did I have to disappear from the surface of the earth? What did they want?!

I bearly got through 10th grade. In short terms: countless suicide attempts, suicide thoughts, self-harm, eating disorder, overdoses, medicine, exhausted, self-hate, friendless, depression, anxiety and untreated Bipolar.

Hopeless trying to convince myself it would be ok. That evening I overdosed.

Now I see what they wanted. All they wanted was to see someone be more miserable than they were. My mom always told me that they were jealous of me because they weren’t as smart, beautiful, fantastic and nice as I was. I never believed her. But now I think she was somewhat right. They were jealous. And when I think of it, none of those bullies were nearly as good at school as I was, as fast readers or good at math. They didn’t get good grades, but I didn’t even have to practice for a test and still get an A. In 3^rd grade I was in 7^th grade math and read books 7^th graders read. They must have been jealous. They had to put everything they had in getting a C and then saw that I didn’t have to do anything to get an A, and they got jealous. It makes sense, right?

Don’t EVER find excuses for those who bully/bullied you or your loved ones! No excuse is good enough for ruin someone’s life! Don’t even try to blame yourself, because you are not the problem, they are. They are jealous of how fantastic, beautiful, nice, smart and funny you are! They thrive on seeing someone they consider better than them be miserable. That’s why they talk behind your back, teas and bully you.
I’ve always been told to answer hate with love. So whenever someone isn’t kind to you, simply turn around and say that you love them too, and walk away. They’re not worth your time. They’re not even worth looking at. Tell them that you love them too, and they will get so surprised that they back off. Believe me, I tried it and it worked!

Smile to your haters and never EVER blame yourself! 

Friday the 13th

Well, a little mobile blog post is always needed once in a while, right?
I've had better days, to put it that way. Like I said yesterday I haven't been at school for the last two days, so coming back today was difficult. PLUS my psychologist was coming to my school to have my appointment there.
Since I was so anxious I decided to take my camera with me. BEST idea I've ever had! Looking at life through a lense is much easier than facing it yourself! It helps and I have a good time, so why not?
I actually put on make-up today to try to look a little bit pretty, but nooooo... Of course I had to cry like a baby during my appointment, so that was pretty much ruined. Typical. But not weird considering it's Friday the 13th ;) nja, I don't really believe in those kind of things, but it's fun to kid around with.
Aaand I'm feeling kind of rebellious today, so here's a pic of me hehe
P.s. I'm going to try out some new recipes soon and will post them here if they turn out good, so keep up for updates! :)

Will I ever get thin enough?

Will I ever be thin enough? Is it even possible?
I have realized that I will never be thin enough. I will never be happy with my body. I won't get thin enough, at least not in this body, that's for sure. Maybe if I suck in my organs and crush my ribs, press my body flat with the surface and cut it into pieces, I'll be thin enough. Maybe THEN I'll be satisfied.
At this moment I satisfy myself with sucking in my organs as much as possible, even though that's not good enough. Nothing is good enough. Ever.

People stare and people talk. Some of them know about me, others don't. They stare at me, thinking I'm too fat to be in public, too damn disgusting. I just keep staring at the ground. I won't look them in the eye. I'm too ashamed. I just wan't to disappear from the surface of the earth. Why can't the earth swallow me? In one piece, please.

Some people look at me with sympathy and empathy in their eyes. I don't like it. The "poor you" look. I hate it. I'm not "poor me", I'm not even sick. Well OK, I have a disorder, but there are so many others in the world that have it much worse. Spare your "poor you" looks for them, they deserve them, I don't. I really don't.

-M

Motivation

This disorder cuts pretty much everything out of your life. Your energy, your happiness, your health etc. It cuts pretty much all your abilities to enjoy life, your life. Your only chance of living. Your only chance to experience swimming with dolphins, watching the sunset from every corner of the world, learn to surf, scubadive in the Great Barrier reef, get married, go on a honeymoon, have children, do charity, make a career and leave a footprint after yourself here on earth. Either it is in form of descendants and in the heart of people you've met and you'll meet in the future, or in history. You can do whatever you want! you have all doors and windows open! Except if you drop out now. Then all chances of ever experiencing real happiness are thrown out the window, wich is closed afterwards. Starving yourself will lead to those chances disappearing. Yes, it will lead to death or so serious  medical complications that you won't be able to live your life.

Hold on, stay strong and all this kind of bullshit, because I believe in you and you CAN do this! 
-M

What's going through my mind right now

Could be triggering

I don‘t know what to say. I don‘t know what I want. I do not accept it, not right now. I don‘t want to. I'm too fat to have Anorexia. But I know. I know what‘s happening. I know what‘s wrong, but I don‘t accept it.  This isn't happening to me, it can‘t, I'm too fat.  I‘m not struggling. I am fine. I‘m managing.

I just want to reach my goal. A specific number. I will reach it. I have to. I‘ve destroyed too much of my process to “perfection“ . I will be able to stop when I‘ve reached my goal. I promise. Just let me reach it and then I can get better. Only 5 more kg. Then I can stop. Or, no, 10 kg.  10 kg and I’m happy.

I’m so irritated and mad. Irritated and mad at myself.  I didn’t want to go to the hospital. I didn’t want to be admitted. My family and doctors forced me to. I know it is to help me get better, and I’m glad for everything everyone has done for me during this process.  But I’m not sure I want to get better. Only few more kg and I can get better, if it involves not gaining weight.
If I gain weight (which I haven’t), I’ll freak out. I weigh myself at least 5 times a day and that’s only a minimum.  I have to see if I can allow myself to eat or not, but I end up eating either way because I’m forced to.  

I get fatter and fatter by every bite I swallow and that’s pathetic. I’m pathetic.  Pathetic because I eat and pathetic because of this voice that takes over. Everything about this is pathetic.

Calories, calories, calories. I’m being eaten up inside and out of the thought of them.

But I’m trying to fight those thoughts. I listen to everything people tell me, but it’s hard to believe those unbelievable sweet things they're saying to me because the voice saying the exact opposite , over powers them. 

I have so many wrong beliefs and misunderstands when it comes to food and nutrition... all on purpose. I can’t sort the logic thoughts from the sick ones. They take over all logic and what’s left is a mindset of thoughts that I fail at controlling. Thoughts that are negative all the way. Destructive and overwhelming thoughts.
I try to turn them around. I fight them as hard as I can, there is if I discover them or get reminded of how wrong they are.

I actually get more and more closed up each passing day. I feel that everyone is trying to make me fat. I’m eating and I feel fatter and look fatter. Even though the scale doesn't show a difference, I can see it in the mirror.

I know that almost every thought that’s written here is wrong. I do know. But I’m stuck in this confusing set of thoughts. I’m tired. So very tired of this disorder which I swing between accepting and not accepting. I wish it hadn't gotten to this point. I wish I had turned around when I had the chance. When it was easier. It was a unintentional decision that I wish I hadn't made.

- 

         -M 

(Pictures from Weheartit.com)

Be careful what you wish for

Well, with this blog I want people to get to know how it is to battle an eating disorder.
Many teenage girls these days wish they had an eating disorder, especially Anorexia, and that's so wrong! Just because they want to be thin, they are ready to set their life in danger. They look at pictures of anorexics and admire them because they´ve got thigh-gap and collarbones. They don't know what the consequences are, and that's why I'm starting this blog. So some of them can read about the consequences from someone that has been there. Experienced it. And not just some psychologist that counts up the symptoms.

Teenage girls and boys (and adults), simply don't know what they're getting themselves into because the society has gone crazy of appearance-obsession. It's ridiculous!
This is living hell, and I wish that it didn't turn out this way for me.
I want to be able to save someone out there from this nightmare, because no one deserves to go through this living hell.

Being hospitalized 4 times in 4 months is not fun. Being forced to eat and drink is not something you want. The loss of independence and control is embarrassing. And most of all, battling you own thoughts every minute of everyday is the hardest thing you'll ever have to do! 

So do NOT begin restricting, count calories, weigh yourself everyday or even worry about your weight, because, honey, it takes a hell of a lot of energy, strength, time and work to fight back when the Demon (ED) has taken over your life. It's a 1000x harder to get back up, than it was falling down. 

You are beautiful! Everyone is beautiful in their own way! Inside and out! Don't EVER forget that! 

 - M