What to say when a loved one has an eating disorder

1. Don’t make valued body judgments

Example sentences:

• “You look great as you are!”
• “But you are already thin.”
• “You look healthy!”
• “You’re not fat.”
• “REAL women have curves!”
• “You don’t want to look emaciated, you want to look buff/toned!”

Why you might want to say it:

• “Eating disorders happen because people are insecure about how they look… so if I compliment them, they’ll be less insecure, and feel better!’

Why you shouldn’t:

• Eating disorders are about taking every insecurity and translating it into terms of food/weight/appearance, making appearance insecurity mostly a symptom of a larger problem rather than the whole problem itself. In addition, the accidental message being sent is that an eating disorder is only bad if the person is already thin — and so if that person was fat, their eating disorder would “make sense,” not be as much of a problem, or not bad enough to need help.

What to say instead:

• Focus on things that don’t depend on weight — activities that they are good at, positive character traits, and occasionally weight-independent physical characteristics
• “Look how strong you are now!”
• “You’re much more active/aware/fun to be around since you’ve recovered.”
• “I like you because you are a great friend.”
• “You look a lot happier since you’ve recovered.”
• “Losing or gaining weight won’t change how I feel about you — I love you for who you are, not how you look.”

2. Don’t make it about your issues or insecurities

Example sentences:

• “If you think YOU’RE fat, you must think I’M obese!”
• “If you loved me, you would eat more.”
• “If you won’t eat, then I won’t eat either.”
• “I know how you feel.”
• “Are you trying to punish me for something?”
• “I’m sorry.”

Why you might want to say it:

• “Love conquers all! Maybe they don’t like themselves enough to recover, but if I make it about me, then they’ll choose to recover for me.”
• Many people want to say “I know how you feel” or “I’m sorry” out of genuine desire to empathize and help. And while they are more helpful than many of the others, the fact of the matter is that you CAN’T really know how they feel, because you’re not them, and it’s not your fault, so your “sorry” doesn’t really mean anything.

Why you shouldn’t:

• Eating disorders are an illness, and they are not about hurting anyone else; they are a way to cope with otherwise overwhelming things (depression, anxiety, abuse, trauma, etc.).Heaping more blame on a sick person, and making them focus on you and your discomfort will only make them feel more guilt and shame, making recovery even more difficult. The likely outcome will probably be that they will stop seeing you as a safe ally, and instead feel the increased need to lie or hide things from you in order to not hurt you. This isolates them further, and keeps you from actually being able to be there for them in an effective way.

What to say instead:

• “I am here for you, because I care about you.”
• “How can I best support you?”

3. Don’t call attention to what/how much they’re eating

Example sentences:

• “OMG you’re actually eating!!”
• “You’re eating again, so I guess you’re recovered!”
• “You’ll eat THAT, but you won’t eat ___?”
• “You’re eating a lot… are you going to puke it up later?”
• “That must be at least ____ calories!” / “Do you know how much fat/carbs/sodium is in that??”

Why you might want to say it:

• For some of these, well-meaning people might say it as a way to point out progress in recovery, or to make a serious situation a little more lighthearted, or just genuine curiosity. For others, I can only guess that they just weren’t thinking at all.

Why you shouldn’t:

• Eating disorders are toxic because of obsession; part of recovery is learning to do normal things without obsessing about them or paying them undue attention. When you call attention to something we really need to think less about, it is very triggering and almost universally unhelpful.

What to say instead:

• “I’m proud of you for all the progress you’ve made in recovery.”
• “Great job, honey. So how’s that [insert unrelated project] of yours coming along?”

4. DO NOT brush it off, or downplay the severity

Example sentences:

• “It’s just a phase.”
• “It’s not that bad.”
• “You’re not really sick.”
• “Other people are sicker/starving in China/etc.”
• “It’s just an extreme diet.”
• “I know how you feel, dieting is really stressful.”

Why you might want to say it:

• “It’s just a negative attention-getting tactic; if I don’t reward it, they’ll drop the act.”
• “I used to have a ‘phase’ like that, and I got over it, so they will, too.”

Why you shouldn’t:

• If someone trusts you enough to open up about something they’re really struggling with, it is completely invalidating to brush it off as nothing. If you are one of the first people they open up to about something, and you react in this way, it could very well discourage them from getting the help they might desperately need, perhaps until it’s too late.
• Each experience with disordered eating is different. It could very well be just a “dieting” phase for some people, but it is also the deadliest mental illness for a reason — because for some people, it is much more serious.

What to say instead:

• Try to reflect back the amount of seriousness that they are bringing to the table. Note that this means you have to listen to nonverbal cues and take into account their personality/confrontational style. If it seems like they are getting something heavy off their chest by telling you this, it is a sign that this means a great deal to them, and that what they are looking for from you is to address that it is a struggle and to offer them support. If they mention a-little-too-casually that they have been dieting a lot recently, try asking more conversational questions that could help them open up a little more about what they’re going through.
• “It sounds like this is weighing heavily on you. Do you want to talk about it?”
• “ ‘dieting a lot,’? What do you mean?”

5. Do NOT offer or ask for dieting tips. Don’t talk about dieting at all.

Example sentences:

• “If you REALLY wanted to lose weight…”
• “So-and-so lost ___ lbs on such-and-such diet.”
• “I read about this diet in [insert notoriously fat-shaming magazine]…”

Why you might want to say it:

• It’s become a kind of way for women to bond with other women, and just for people to talk idly about in general. Cultural pressure has almost literally everyone worried about their weight and so it’s common ground for almost everyone else, which makes it very accessible as personalized small talk. Mostly people just say this kind of stuff because they aren’t really familiar with the profound consequences it has on some people.

Why you shouldn’t:

• Self-comparison is incredibly addictive and very unhealthy, especially for those with eating disorders. Statements like this are like throwing wood on a fire and then dumping the contents of a gasoline truck onto it.
• Implying that they should focus on losing weight is terrible. It’s kind of exactly opposite all the goals of recovery.

What to say instead:

• anything else. Seriously.

6. Don’t blame them for being sick

Example sentences:

• “Snap out of it!”
• “Stop feeling sorry for yourself.”
• “Just eat something already, jeez.”
• “Why are you making this so hard on me/everyone else?”
• “You’re being really selfish.”

Why you might want to say it:

• Frustration, largely, with an issue that you don’t really understand that doesn’t seem to be making the consistent progress you’d want.
• Wanting to “shake them out of it”

Why you shouldn’t:

• It doesn’t work
• It reinforces guilt, blame, the idea that there is something wrong with them, etc. It also sets the expectation that they can just “snap out of it,” (when clearly they can’t, or they certainly would have by now), and when those expectations are internalized and then not met, it’s even more “justification” for the low self-esteem and low sense of self-worth that are major barriers to recovery.

What to say instead

• “I know that this is very frustrating for you. Remember that I care about you a lot and I am here in whatever capacity I can be.
• You might also want to say nothing and take a breather until you can rejoin the fray. Being a supporter of someone with a chronic illness, especially a chronic “invisible” illness, is extremely draining and can have serious effects for the people around the suffer as well as the sufferer themself. If you need a few days off in order to clear your head and regain your balance, that is more than fine. Your number one job is to take care of yourself; only when you are really addressing your own needs can you actually be helpful to others. If you need to explain this to your loved one with an eating disorder, reassure them that you still care deeply about them, and you still want to help, but that you need some time to take care of yourself for a while. Try to make sure that they recognize that they have other people in their support network that they can lean on if necessary, that you’re not abandoning them to their own devices. Emphasize that it is not their fault, just that you have your own affairs you need to get in order. Establish exactly what kind of relationship they can expect from you in the meantime — no contact? emergency contact? just friends? no difference in label, just less time/emotional availability? Agree on expectations (both yours of them and theirs of you) and things will hopefully go much more smoothly. But whatever happens, again, your first responsibility is to take care of yourself and you are NOT a bad person if you ultimately have to withdraw from a position as supporter in order to do so.

Source: http://edrecoveryprobs.com/post/63025631041/this-post-has-been-a-long-time-coming-a-few

New Year’s resolutions of the unknown

Now, as the new year has arrived, the stores are filled with weight loss products, the TV shows more weight loss commercials than the actual TV program, the magazines are full of tips on how to lose weight and etc. etc. etc. This will last through whole January, in February it will slow down a lot because people have simply given up on those unreachable and pardon my language: stupid resolutions they set for themselves in hope that the New Year will magically bring all that is needed to fulfill those resolutions. They don’t work for it, or well, they do buy bunch of dieting products thinking that that will magically make them ‘skinny’, and in few, if not none of the cases does it work.

I am annoyed by those ads that only are there to fool people to waste their money on as pointless, unnecessary dieting products. And what does it do for us, other than making us feel bad about ourselves? I don’t really know. But I know that it is triggering as hell having to go to the pharmacy to buy supplement drinks (none dietary) to actually drink WITH food, and the first thing you see is a mountain of diet supplements saying you should drink them INSTEAD of food. Is it just me, or has this become a real problem in today’s civilization?

The hottest thing today is to drink something, that you actually don’t know what is (other than it contains x calories), instead of eating real, healthy, satisfying food. Can you believe it? Are we that lazy and desperate to lose weight?

I’m going to be honest and say that I have been very tempted to buy those things, even now in recovery, because it says that you can easily lose x kg within 2 months. My mind tells me: “oh perfect! “ But hey, I need all the nutrients I am getting from eating the amount I am eating. I need those proteins, I need those carbs, I need those fats, I need those vitamins and I need those calories! My body doesn’t work without them, and neither does any other body.

Drinking those drinks doesn’t magically fix the problem you have with yourself. It won’t make you feel any better about yourself. It doesn’t make you prettier or more perfect. And it doesn’t make you more important than you ever were before. (You are more important than you think, and you will never become less or more important than that! You are as important as it is possible to be and ever become!) It doesn’t fix a thing. Not even for people those are obese. It won’t make them happier; it won’t boost their self-esteem etc. etc. etc. (I could go on and on and on, but I won’t bore you). All those things come from the inside. Even though the messages you get from the ads are that you become happier, prettier and healthier. That is bullshit and nothing but bullshit.

My therapist told me that we have to be critical to ads like that and think about who those ads are actually for. Are they for normal people within healthy weight? No. Are they for slightly overweight people that can easily change their diet to become healthier? No. Are they for us dealing with eating disorders? Hell no.

So why bother to waste money on dietary things you really do not need instead of buying that gorgeous shoes you’ve been looking at for weeks? For me it is an obvious choice.

-M

(no pics in this post as they can be triggering)

Anniversary!!!

Today, 15th of December it is exactly HALF A YEAR since I last overdosed! And oh my god how thankful I am for that it didn't work, although at that time it felt like yet another thing I failed at.
I did never imagine that I would live to Christmas and now they are just around the corner. That is a HUGE achievement on my behalf!

You may think that you can't live another day in this life, but YOU CAN! You may not be able to see that right now and it feels like a cliché (?), but before you know it, it will GET BETTER! I promise!

Find something to do, something to keep you occupied. For me it was working at a hotel, sewing when I got home and read. I didn't allow myself any sparetime to sit and just think. Ofc that happened from time to time, but when that happens  try to make sure you are not alone. You don't need to talk to anyone about what you're going through if you don't want to, just sit with someone, small talk, get something yummy to snack on and keep your mind occupied with other than negative thoughts! Those negative thoughts only destroy you, and you've got to destroy what destroys you, right?

Keep fighting, I believe in you Xx

Day 27

27. Create a letter of everything you would write to your eating disorder as if it were a real life person.

Dear Ana

I’ve known you for quite some time now, and you’ve gotten way too involved in my life. Our paths need to be separated. They crossed a long time ago and have kept on crossing ever since, but now it is time for that to stop. Everything gets born and everything dies, our relationship included.

I thought you were nice. I thought the things you said were true, but things are changed now. I’ve realised what you’ve done and have been doing. You’ve messed with my head, making me belief all this bullshit of yours. “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” you say? Well I know what tastes better! LIFE! Life tastes better than striving towards perfection.

I am so irritated, frustrated and desperate because of you that I don’t know where to start expressing my real, true feelings. But I am also thankful. I am thankful for the kilos you’ve made me lose. But then again, that might be you messing with my head again. Get out, get out, GET OUT!

You came because I lacked control. Because I lost control, you decided to pop up again and save the day. Except all you did was making it tough, in another way than before, but tough. You saved my life. You saved me from killing myself. You made me feel a bit better with every kilo I lost, but it was never good enough. 17 kg. You took 17 kilos away from me, but I still didn’t get me to the underweight category measured by BMI. You got me to 18,7. And I know that frustrates you as it was SO close! Half a kilo more and we would be UNDERWEIGHT again. A little over three years ago, you got me to BMI 17,7 and of course that wasn’t low enough for you, but back then I fought against you. I had the energy and will, but you never really left. I didn’t get professional help later on as I was way too fat to be suffering from such a demon like you in my head. And whenever I brought you up with anyone, they just looked the other way. I tried to tell them about my experience with you in the past and how the thoughts still hunted me, but they wouldn’t listen. They wouldn’t take it seriously. You hid in the back of my head, getting ready for a backfire, which eventually came.

You don’t want me to talk. You don’t want me to tell anyone as it is “our little secret”. It is embarrassing to tell anyone that you actually are a voice, because I feel that by admitting that I am admitting that I am crazy. Hearing voices isn’t normal, it is the opposite of normal.
I get super nervous when I talk about you because you are there, in my head, screaming at every word I say. I want you to get lost. I want you to leave me alone, for once.

I want my period back (surprisingly). 3 years of irregular or none menstruation is a long time. Now it has been… I don’t remember how long, since I got my last monthly menstruation.  But to illustrate it a bit: After I started recovery (July 2013) I should have gotten my period 5 times. I’ve had it 2, each one for not even a day. I don’t even know if it can be counted as menstruation. 

You’ve taken so much away from me: my womanhood (haha), my ability to socialize without being super awkward, my few friends I had, the spark in my eyes, my happiness, so much excitement towards things like Christmas, birthdays etc. You’ve taken away so many possible good memories and replaced them by memories of tears, desperation, head hanging on the toilet seat, exhausted after stuffing my fingers literally down to the larynx and pressing my stomach up to my lungs.

But you’ve given me so much as well. You’ve given me people who care. You’ve given me so many really good friends, two that I can define as best friends. You’ve brought my family closer to me, supporting me and showing me that they care. You’ve made me and my grandma have a better relationship, and showed me that she and I are really much alike, more than I could ever imagine. You’ve made my other grandma and I so much closer and I can proudly define my grandma as one of my very close friends.

Inside my head, you’ve made my life miserable. But outside, in the real world, you’ve made me realise that I’ve got people around me that love me (or well, you’ve made them show me that they care).  And that messes really with my head because I start questioning if I get healthy, people will stop caring. They will stop noticing me. Stop loving me. I don’t want that. But I don’t want you either. I am afraid that I will lose my support and end in the same black hole as I was in 6 months ago. I want to thrive, but I also want to survive. That’s the problem. 

Day 25

What are your ‘fear foods’? I CHALLENGE you to eat one today. Dare you. Do it.

• pastry (cakes included)
• Full fat items
• Sugary items, full sugar items and sugar in general  
• Not diet or light sodas/squash
• Juice
• Fruits except frozen berries (stupid, I know...), especially the ones where 100 g have more than 100 kcals. 
• Ice cream
• Smoothie
• Bread things, especially if it's not whole wheat or whole grain bread
• Sweets, except milk and brown chocolate (not more than 100g through the day!), white chocolate is still a fear
• Oil and butter
• Sauces
• None diet hot chocolate
• Beef
• Minced meat
• Meats on bread
• Chocolate cereals and cereals with sugar like Frosties
• Cheese, but not cheese spread
• Pasta
• And some other stuff I can't think of right now.

This is a terribly long list, in fact this list shouldn't consist of any item! I'm terribly sorry if this triggers anyone of you! But you have to know that this is NOT healthy! This is NOT "cool" or "fabulous". Having fearfoods won't do you any good! It makes you miserable. Be afraid of some innocent food item takes away so much of you time. The worries, the fright and the isolation that comes with it consume your life. Be strong and challenge your eating disorder!

Day 22

Describe your goals for your future. 

I want to be happy. I want to be healthy. At the moment, that are my main goals, because if I'm happy AND healthy I can do mostly anything I can ever dream of. I want to be able to go to a university in England, live in a big city, travel, have kids, adopt a kid, have enough money to take my kids on a huge trip to africa for a year, homeschool them while I work as a vulenteer and etc etc and etc. Those are my dreams, something I work towards in life, but as you can see, those dreams won't happen for the next 3 years or so, but I can work towards them, right?
My short time goals are: 

• Be able to travel to Germany or Scotland with my class (I didn't get to go to the Netherlands with them) 
• Be able to enjoy the time I get in February with my ultimate worlds best friend. He is coming to visit me and I am so excited!!! 
• Be able to travel to Tenerife with my family in the Easters 2014, AND enjoy it! 
• Get mostly A's in school (only few B's are allowed ;) ) 

I'm freezing my ass off right now. I'm so cold that I can't even do schoolwork. I'm laying besides the radiator, and still am I freezing. What is up with that?
I love wintertime, but I don't look forward to this winter weather wise... I'm freezing now and it is +degrees outside, how will it be when the temperature is around -10 or even -20 degrees? Yeah, I know what you're thinking. I'll die!

I'm staying home from school today because I am in a huge relapse and I really have to use all my time and efforts to get back on track. I hate this stupid, annoying, hating, terrifying disorder. I want to be free,  free like a bird!

There is no one else than me, myself and I, I have to recover for. I have to recover because I want to, not because others want me too. Even though that's a big plus, I won't be able to recover if I don't want to myself. I can wish all I want, but wishing isn't enough. I have to put those wishes into actions. And if I want to be able to put those wishes into actions, I have to put all my time and efforts into it.

I want to gain my life back. I want to enjoy life and enjoy living. I am sick and tired of this so called 'life'. I want to be normal, once in for all. Even though I'll never be completely normal (if there is such a thing) I want to be a little closer to it than 500000000 miles away like I am now.

Why does this have to be so hard?
I'm finally getting a specialist to talk to, and I'll meet her on Tuesday. I deeply hope that it will work because I am desperate. I need to be able to concur this illness. It has taken up way too much of my life!

Day 16

How would you help a close friend or family member if they developed an eating disorder?

 I have a close friend dealing with an ED and I try to be there for her as much as I can. I reassure her constantly that she is more than good enough, that her body needs fuel, and that there is more in this world than calories, food and over-exercise. I can’t fight her battles for her, but I can be a true friend and be there for her as much as I can. 

Day 15

Post a picture of you before you ever developed an eating disorder. What emotions were you feeling in this picture? Describe your picture.

I didn't know what picture I should choose because I don't know exactly when it all started. I mean, I stopped bringing lunch to school in second/third grade, so yeah, you see my problem?

But here's the photo I chose:

This is me and my little brother during the summer of 2009. I wasn't completely ED free there and I remember that on our zoo trip that summer that I didn't want anything from a café there or a free gingerbread cookie they were giving away in a little train that went through some part of the park. BUT if I was hungry, I ate. Or well, most of the time. I didn't know I had a problem during that time, and first now am I "discovering" that I've dealt with an ED for a loooong time now. 

What I am feeling in this picture? I was really insecure since mom was taking a full body photo, but I never even liked those when I was younger so may not be ED related (?) But I was happy. and yeah a bid of a true teenage girl, as you can see by my pose haha! I mean, common, I had JUST finished 7th grade and was like totally grown-up! ;)

What if I had succeeded?

The thought of that if I hadn't gotten help and met all those incredible people through the process, I would be in this place, permanently, in the graveyard. One of many bodies buried in this ground. One of many souls wandering around, lost and terrified.

Instead, I'm here, alive. I am walking on the surface, laughing and having fun.
Seeing how thankful and proud my mom is, that I am still among us, is immeasurable. Nothing, and by that I mean NOTHING can be compared to the smile on her face seeing me with hope in my eyes again and fighting my way through life.

But what if I wasn't here?

She would have lost her only daughter, her first born, her baby. How would she carry on knowing that her own daughter took her own life? Knowing that I suffered and gave up. Tried to fight, but gave up. If I hadn't already been dead, it would kill me seeing her suffering that much.

All those times I almost succeeded, I thought I would be doing everyone a favor by leaving, by giving up and swallowing 24 sleeping pills. I wouldn't be "in the way" of everyone anymore, I wouldn't be disturbing anyone, I wouldn't be making the teachers job harder, I wouldn't be irritating my fellow classmates by my presence anymore and most of all, I would have got rid of those demons in my head.

I thought that I would never be able to be happy again. That I wouldn't be able to enjoy life again. I thought I wasn't worthy of life.

But now, 4 months after my last attempt, I am smiling, I am laughing and I am learning to love life again, and am I thankful? YES. I couldn't be more thankful for everyone that has been there for me, that cared, listened and gave me a shoulder to cry on when I needed.

I thought I couldn't fight those demons, but what am I doing every single day now? I am fighting. I am fighting like a true soldier, and I'm proving to everyone, included myself, that I am more than my illnesses. That I ain't the illness, but the person behind it. Yes, I have an illness, but I aint the illness. There's a huge difference.
For the first time in my whole and entire life, I am thankful for being alive, even though it's hard.

-M xoxo

When will I learn to love myself?

When my dad was here 3 weeks ago I lost weight. A lot of weight considering he only was here for 5 days. I lost whole 3 kg!! Since then, I've lost 2 more kg. A part of me is proud, really proud! But have I been working towards this the last 3 months? No, not at all. I haven't been striving towards recovery to let Ana take control. I've been working towards happiness, but I've ended up pretty miserable.

I want to have a normal relationship with food. That's all I wish for. I don't get hungry, and worst of all, I don't get full. I don't know those two feelings anymore and I'm terrified of binging. I've only binged once, luckily enough, because the guilt that came afterwards almost killed me.

I want to be healthy, I want to feel normal, I want to be happy, I want to feel comfortable in my own body and be confident, but I don't know how to anymore. Or have I ever known how that feels?

I've never been comfortable in my own body. Never. Not even as a child. You could say I've had a kind of an ed since, well, forever. I always thought "no, I can't eat that, I'll get fatter." Not only fat, but fatter because I felt unbelievably huge.

And am I just gonna learn to love myself now at age 17? Almost 18?! I guess I'll just have to. That's what recovery is for, right?

Is it too much to ask for?

Like I've said before: I haven't been feeling very well. I was at home from school yesterday and today and the plan was to do some schoolwork, but I just couldn't get myself to do it. I couldn't consentrate. I haven't even been able to to a sudoku or watch TV for more than 3 minutes. I am totally constipated (again!) and it hurts! I am cold, and I am really struggling with eating my meals. So staying at home, trying to get my mental and physical self back on track is probably the best choice I've taken in a while. I don't like being home from school, but when the situation is like this, then I have to put my health before anything else.

I just want to get better and be healthy again. Is that too much to ask for?

I've walked around with a piratepatch all day, due to I've gotten a lazy eye thanks to lack of nutrition and vitamins over quite some time. Gotta love it. When I bought the pack, I got some "tattoos" to put on the patches and I thought: "Ok, If I'm gonna do it, I might as well take it all the way and have cute animal pics on them as well?" so yes, that's what I did :-) 

Sorry for my swollen face, recovery is really paying it's toll...

Yeah, I had a photoshoot with myself earlier today hehe, always as much fun hehe. Ehm, no. Much more entertaining to take pictures of others... and that doesn't kill the little self-esteem I have left. I feel really stupid to post these, but I feel like I have to express myself in someway so here it goes:

It's like I am "Ana" in this pic. It shows how dark, creepy and terrifying the disorder is.

I'm really really constipated, like you can see....

Please, no hate. I'm sorry if it's triggering. That was not the purpose of this post!!! 

-M

Puzzle pieces

Woke up, 5:30 am, more than ready to start the day of. I lay in bed till 5:45 and then decided to get out of bed and make myself a delicious breakfast a.k.a. porridge with mango and cocos. I ate and felt kind of motivated. I actually looked forward to school, but all of a sudden everything changed. It went from a good day, to a terrible one in 0.01 seconds. Everything came razing down. I was in the middle of math class, actually only half an hour in to it and still had 2 hours left. I just sat there, staring in to nothing and I was senseless at that moment and felt everything around me racing down like a waterfall.

I am tired, so extremely tired of seeing things that aren’t real. No I’m not schizophrenic, I am talking about fat. I see fat everywhere, even my toes are fat. I see a belly that is way too huge and makes a “beautiful” muffin top over my pant line.  I see thighs that literally jiggle in the wind. I see calves that could be real calves, that’s how huge they are. I see a double chin bigger than Mount Everest. I see arms that look like arms on an obese person and at last but not least, I see cheeks that are blown up like balloons.

I know that these things aren’t true. I know how Ana is disturbing my thoughts, but seeing this 24/7, every time I look in the mirror and every time I look at myself, makes it too real to not believe it. At times it gets too much, way too much. That’s what happened today at school. I began crying, in the middle of class, over my breakfast that I btw ate two HOURS earlier! The regret, the shame, the disappointment was enormous. My head was weird. I couldn’t concentrate, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t listen. The only thing I could do was look in the mirror and cry while feeling my rib, chest, collar and hip bones. Nothing sexual, only Ana being Ana. I wasn’t me anymore. I was Ana.

More and more of me is constantly getting washed away, but at the same moment I am always finding new pieces that I didn’t know existed. It’s like a puzzle and I’ve finally understood that some of those pieces that I’ve been struggling puzzling together simply do not fit. And all this time I have been desperately forcing them together and didn’t understand why they always fell apart again.

I haven’t found all the pieces yet, and I am still forcing pieces together to feel and look more “whole”. But even though I want them to fit, they don’t. I just have to accept the fact that this process takes time and in the end, I will have all my pieces in the right place. Even though it is on my death-bed, they will all fit together sometime. 

Day 5

What actions do you believe could be taken in the future to help prevent your child(ren) or close friends from ever developing an eating disorder?

·         We have to positively encourage people around us, and reassure them that they are beautiful and fantastic just the way they are. That way increases their self-esteem and makes them believe that they are good enough, ALWAYS good enough.

·         The community has to stop being so obsessed with appearances, calories and weight loss.

·         Assure that they are good taken care of, by themselves and by others. Be there for them when they need and help them to think more positively, see something positive in every situation. That is important. We need to be more like Pollyanna 

There are so many other actions to be taken to help prevent our close ones to develope

an eating disorder. We have to remember that our actions have consequences. What you

say to another person might not matter much to you, but to that person it can turn their

life upside down. 

Why continue?

Why exactly am I doing this? Why am I pushing myself so hard everyday when I can just lay around and show my middle finger to the rest of the world? When I can experience my dream, my dream weight and dream life. Why don't I just give up on this eating, eating, eating, when that's all I want to do at times?

I have an answer for that.

Today was a shitty day, well the days before that were that also, but today was even worse. It has come to that point that I don't cry anymore. When I get sad, I get so extremely sad that all I do is stare into an empty wall and completely fade out. At that moment I ain't myself, I ain't anyone. I've disappeared, mentally, but physically I'm still there. I haven't cried in a long long time, or well, since July this year when I was inpatient and my mom came to visit me after we've been 6 weeks apart. Today that changed.

You should probably know some background details:
My dad doesn't understand how routines around mealtimes are for me to be able to fight this demon. He has been staying with us since Monday and I've dropped many meals since then, eaten less than 1000 kcal in one day when I'm really supposed to have 2500. And yes, I'm in a relapse.

Back to why my period of no crying took an end today:
I felt really guilty, miserable and ashamed both because I hadn't eaten and because I'm having a really bad body-image day today and I knew I had to eat but I didn't want to. I didn't know what to do, so I decided to call my ultimate favourite person in the whole world: my grandma. I needed to ventile to someone I knew would support me, incourage me and make me feel a lot better. Also I hadn't talked to her in a while and I really missed her.
At the exact moment I heard her voice, I felt the "crying feeling". The feeling of your throat closing up, your eyes getting wet and actually a feeling of relief by finally getting it all out.  It felt SO good! She always makes me feel better, no matter what. She has always been there for me and she is my rolemodel.
She incouraged me to get up and make me dinner (even though it was 21:30) and told me how great and strong I am. I love her.

She is the one that got me into recovery. She cried while begging me to get better. She was terrified of losing me and she had already lost me into the disorder. Seeing her crying because of me made me want to try recovery just for her, because she deserves so much better. So much better than having a grandchild wich worries her that much.
If I would give up on recovery now, I won't be disappointing her. I would be disappointing myself. I would make my grandma even more worried than she already is, and that would literally kill me. I can't do that to her.
That is why I will do my ultimate best to recover. For my grandma because she deserves so much more.

-M ♥

Day 4

What are factors that contributed in your choice to recover?

I hated seeing my greatgrandma and grandpa cry and pray for me. I don't want them to worrie about me, and the only way to do that is to get better. They love me and they will always care. I didn't want to hurt them by pushing them away like everybody else; believe me, sick me tried to...and I'm so not proud of that!

My grandma was so worried and cried while begging me to get better. That had a HUGE impact on me. She's my favorite person in the whole world and I love her soooooo much! She loves me more than anything, and saying no to her when she definitely was dying of worries, felt cruel. She was so worried of losing me. She had already lost me into the disorder, and was terrified of losing me completely. 

I want to recover for them. My grandma, great grandma and great grandpa do not deserve this.

I recover for the people around me, but first of all do I recover for myself.

No good posts lately

Sorry for no good posts lately, I just don't feel like blogging about how well I'm doing in recovery because then I would be lying. I'm hanging on though, but it is hard.
Yesterday I only ate about 1000 kcal and that's WAY to little considering I walked/ran almost 10 km in an hour and well, I have to gain to get my period back. But I'm afraid of gaining. I don't want to get fatter than I already am... I know that's my ed talking, but it's hard to not believe it when it's constantly on repeat in my head.
Now I'm laying here, blogging on my mobile, about to go in the shower, and then go outside to show my dad around (he's on a visit from Iceland)
Hope you're doing better than I am. Love you and stay strong!

Day 3

List 10 NON physical things you like about you.

This is going to be hard...

1. I'm caring

2. I'm smart, not as smart as I was before Ana, but I'm still smarter than average.

3. I'm usually on time and I HATE being late.

4. I'm kind of a Pollyanna, I get it from my greatgrandma.

5. I always put others feelings before mine (that is sometimes negative...)

6. I love my family more than anything in this world. They are the reason why I'm still here and struggling through recovery.

7. I can't lie, it is literally impossible for me. Well sick me lied more than telling the truth, but it always ended with me telling the truth because I couldn't bare the guilt (there is when me, real me, came to senses)

8. I love animals, they've helped me through some really tough times. Just having someone to cuddle with, talk to and care for really helps.

9. I can't sleep much (if I'm not really depressed). I like it because that way I won't miss out of great days.

10. I actually like a bit of my disorders, they've shaped me to the person I've turned out to be AND they've made me into one hell of a warrior. :)

I'm not used to counting up things I like about myself, my thoughts usually go the other way. But I did it!

P.s. follow me on IG (margrets_recovery)

Day 2

What does recovery mean to you?
Late winter nights, fudgie brownies, warm cocoa while it's snowing outside.
Late summernights, barbeque, baked potato with cream cheese, soda, icecream and not be freezing in 20 degrees Celsius.

That is what recovery means to me. I want to get my life back, be able to enjoy every moment like it is my last, without thinking and worrying about food and calories. I want to be able to go out on a Friday night with friends and get whatever I want, no matter how many calories. I want to live a normal teenage life where overdosing on chocolate won't kill me and drinking to much soda won't mentally drown me.
I want to get my health back, mental and physical. I want to get rid of chestpains, stomach cramps and hurting joints.

In short terms: I want to feel alive again!

30 day eatingdisorder recovery challenge

I am going to begin on this 30 day ED-recovery challenge and see how that goes. I'm not feeling particularly good and recovery isn't going as well as I would like it to be. Hopefully this will help me :) 

1. List your stats (height/weight). What eating disorder are/have you struggled with?

2. What does recovery mean to YOU?

3. List 10 NON physical things you like about yourself.

4. What are factors that contributed in your choice to recover? 

5. What actions do you believe could be taken in the future to help prevent your child(ren) or close friends from ever developing an eating disorder?

6. What was your favorite meal before your ED? What is your favorite meal now?

7. Do you think the media contributes to the growing rate of girls developing eating disorders younger and younger?

8. Create a list of all the positive things your eating disorder has given you. (This day should be short haha.)

9. Create a list of all the negative things your eating disorder has given you.

10. Does anyone in your close family have an eating disorder? If so, do you think it had an impact on you developing one?

11. List 10 PHYSICAL features you like about yourself.

12. Post a picture of 1 thing you ate today. 

13. Do you believe you can ever fully recover from an eating disorder? Explain.

14. How do your friends and family feel about your eating disorder?

15. Post a picture of you before you ever developed an eating disorder. What emotions were you feeling in this picture? Describe your picture.

16. How would you help a close friend or family member if they developed an eating disorder?

17. What does being fat TRULY mean to you?

18. Here’s a challenge. Come up with a hobby you’ve never done or haven’t done in awhile that has NOTHING to do with eating or exercising or cooking. Totally non eating disorder related. What is your hobby? Why did you chose it?

19. Has your eating disorder ever held you back from something? If so, explain.

20. I feel eating disorders have somehow been glamorized. Explain your opinion on this.

21. Who has been the biggest contributor of your recovery in your life? Explain.

22. Describe your goals for your future. 

23. List 2 positive things that happened to you today.

24. Where were you in terms of your eating disorder 6 months ago? Describe how you’ve changed.

25. What are your ‘fear foods’? I CHALLENGE you to eat one today. Dare you. Do it.

26. Eating disorders often come hand in hand with social anxiety and or depression. Start 1 conversation today with someone you don’t normally speak to. How did it go?

27. Create a letter of everything you would write to your eating disorder as if it were a real life person.

28. What do you need to improve on in order to advance mentally and or physically towards recovery? Explain how you plan on actually moving forward with these goals!

29. Challenge yourself again in some way today. Whether it be being more social, eating more, eating another fear food, etc. Explain.

30. List your stats again. Did this help you at all?