I do not need

I do not need
empty stomachs,
shrinking skin,
children’s clothing,
or dropping numbers;

I do not need
icy hands,
sunken eyes,
falling hair,
or jutting bones;

I do not need
distant thoughts,
blacked out vision,
hospital beds,
or a dying pulse.

I do not need validation:

I do not need
to die again
to be deserving of
coming back to life.

Day 25

What are your ‘fear foods’? I CHALLENGE you to eat one today. Dare you. Do it.

• pastry (cakes included)
• Full fat items
• Sugary items, full sugar items and sugar in general  
• Not diet or light sodas/squash
• Juice
• Fruits except frozen berries (stupid, I know...), especially the ones where 100 g have more than 100 kcals. 
• Ice cream
• Smoothie
• Bread things, especially if it's not whole wheat or whole grain bread
• Sweets, except milk and brown chocolate (not more than 100g through the day!), white chocolate is still a fear
• Oil and butter
• Sauces
• None diet hot chocolate
• Beef
• Minced meat
• Meats on bread
• Chocolate cereals and cereals with sugar like Frosties
• Cheese, but not cheese spread
• Pasta
• And some other stuff I can't think of right now.

This is a terribly long list, in fact this list shouldn't consist of any item! I'm terribly sorry if this triggers anyone of you! But you have to know that this is NOT healthy! This is NOT "cool" or "fabulous". Having fearfoods won't do you any good! It makes you miserable. Be afraid of some innocent food item takes away so much of you time. The worries, the fright and the isolation that comes with it consume your life. Be strong and challenge your eating disorder!

Day 24

Where were you in terms of your eating disorder 6 months ago? Describe how you’ve changed.

6 months ago was May 2013 and I was inpatient due to chronic suicidal thoughts, suicidal actions, bipolar disorder and panic anxiety disorder. I was struggling, but not anything compared to how it got the month after. I had it under control. I had so many 'more serious' things to fight through everyday that my mind was really far away from ... everything really. I lived in my own head. I can't remember anything from this time other than terrible, destructive thoughts that I'd rather live without having to experience them. 
Now I am recovering from those things. Since 17th of June, I've been recovering on my own and it has gotten much better. But then again, my ED has gotten waaaaaaay worse...

I'm freezing my ass off right now. I'm so cold that I can't even do schoolwork. I'm laying besides the radiator, and still am I freezing. What is up with that?
I love wintertime, but I don't look forward to this winter weather wise... I'm freezing now and it is +degrees outside, how will it be when the temperature is around -10 or even -20 degrees? Yeah, I know what you're thinking. I'll die!

I'm staying home from school today because I am in a huge relapse and I really have to use all my time and efforts to get back on track. I hate this stupid, annoying, hating, terrifying disorder. I want to be free,  free like a bird!

There is no one else than me, myself and I, I have to recover for. I have to recover because I want to, not because others want me too. Even though that's a big plus, I won't be able to recover if I don't want to myself. I can wish all I want, but wishing isn't enough. I have to put those wishes into actions. And if I want to be able to put those wishes into actions, I have to put all my time and efforts into it.

I want to gain my life back. I want to enjoy life and enjoy living. I am sick and tired of this so called 'life'. I want to be normal, once in for all. Even though I'll never be completely normal (if there is such a thing) I want to be a little closer to it than 500000000 miles away like I am now.

Why does this have to be so hard?
I'm finally getting a specialist to talk to, and I'll meet her on Tuesday. I deeply hope that it will work because I am desperate. I need to be able to concur this illness. It has taken up way too much of my life!

Day 21

Who has been the biggest contributor of your recovery in your life? Explain.

My biggest contributor must be my mama, though grandma is a tough runner up!
My mommy is always there for me. She takes care of me, wipes my tears away, hugs me when everything around me is collapsing, keeps reassuring me that I can do this, and at last but not least: she loves me, she always has, even though I've been a really tough child to raise, considering all my problems and challenges. Even though I've lost my temperature and been really unfair and mean to her, she still sticks around, even when everyone left. I love her so much and I couldn't do this without her.

Day 20

 I feel eating disorders have somehow been glamorized. Explain your opinion on this.
You have probably seen those 'pro-ana', 'pro mia' or 'thinspo' pictures, IG accounts, Tumblr accounts and even facebook sites and blogs. It is horrible, disgusting and sad. It is sad that teenagers out there look at anorexics and think: "omg, her legs are perfect!" "I want a thighgap like that!" "I wish my ribcase was as visible as hers". It is so sad that I get tears in my eyes just by thinking about it. We who suffer don't wish for this illness. It is an ILLNESS, a mental ILLNESS, not a body shape or perfection. It is an illness! It comes with an unmeasurable amount of pain, suffering and sadness. I can't describe all the feelings that pass my head after meals. I suffer in silence for a whole day just by eating breakfast. I restrict sometimes, and I am NOT proud of it because all it does is destroy my body even more. Not giving your body the nutrients and amount of energy it needs to function on daily bases is NOT cool. It is sad. It is sad that you feel like you can't eat lunch because you'll get fat. That is such a bullshit! Your body NEEDS food, it NEEDS energy, it NEEDS nutrients. So eat that god damn brownie or sandwich or cupcake or what ever you want because your body NEEDS it! Screw the 'thigh gap' because it doesn't exist. It is something we humans have made up thinking that it is the sign of a healthy, fit, beautiful body. But you know what? It is so NOT healthy. Unless it is natural for your body to have the 'thigh gap', but that is not something anyone should be working towards if it isn't normal for their body. Every body has its own healthy weight, a wheight where it your body is happy, healthy, functions properly and it is natural for it to stay at. No one will gain forever (unless you eat 5000+ kcal a day). If you eat properly and healthy, you will gain till you are at a healthy weight. That's how the human body works. It tries it's best to stay healthy. So simple is that. 

Day 17

 What does being fat TRULY mean to you?

Being fat doesn’t really mean anything special to me. I don’t want to get fat and Ana keeps telling me that I can’t continue being this way aka. fat. Ana tells me that being fat is disgusting, depressing and the root to all my problems. But that is so far away from the truth as possible. I know that, but believing it is the hard part…

Day 13

Do you believe you can ever fully recover from an eating disorder? Explain.

 I want to believe that I can. At the moment, it feels like it will always be a part of me, like an arm or a leg, something that I won’t be able to get rid of. But I like being positive and thinking that the road ahead will eventually be completely ED-free. The thought of being in this hell for the rest of my life terrifies me. And if it will be that way, then so be it. I don't have to think about that now, when all I can do is be positive.

Why continue?

Why exactly am I doing this? Why am I pushing myself so hard everyday when I can just lay around and show my middle finger to the rest of the world? When I can experience my dream, my dream weight and dream life. Why don't I just give up on this eating, eating, eating, when that's all I want to do at times?

I have an answer for that.

Today was a shitty day, well the days before that were that also, but today was even worse. It has come to that point that I don't cry anymore. When I get sad, I get so extremely sad that all I do is stare into an empty wall and completely fade out. At that moment I ain't myself, I ain't anyone. I've disappeared, mentally, but physically I'm still there. I haven't cried in a long long time, or well, since July this year when I was inpatient and my mom came to visit me after we've been 6 weeks apart. Today that changed.

You should probably know some background details:
My dad doesn't understand how routines around mealtimes are for me to be able to fight this demon. He has been staying with us since Monday and I've dropped many meals since then, eaten less than 1000 kcal in one day when I'm really supposed to have 2500. And yes, I'm in a relapse.

Back to why my period of no crying took an end today:
I felt really guilty, miserable and ashamed both because I hadn't eaten and because I'm having a really bad body-image day today and I knew I had to eat but I didn't want to. I didn't know what to do, so I decided to call my ultimate favourite person in the whole world: my grandma. I needed to ventile to someone I knew would support me, incourage me and make me feel a lot better. Also I hadn't talked to her in a while and I really missed her.
At the exact moment I heard her voice, I felt the "crying feeling". The feeling of your throat closing up, your eyes getting wet and actually a feeling of relief by finally getting it all out.  It felt SO good! She always makes me feel better, no matter what. She has always been there for me and she is my rolemodel.
She incouraged me to get up and make me dinner (even though it was 21:30) and told me how great and strong I am. I love her.

She is the one that got me into recovery. She cried while begging me to get better. She was terrified of losing me and she had already lost me into the disorder. Seeing her crying because of me made me want to try recovery just for her, because she deserves so much better. So much better than having a grandchild wich worries her that much.
If I would give up on recovery now, I won't be disappointing her. I would be disappointing myself. I would make my grandma even more worried than she already is, and that would literally kill me. I can't do that to her.
That is why I will do my ultimate best to recover. For my grandma because she deserves so much more.

-M ♥

B to the I to the G, BIG mistake!

I did a BIG mistake! Capital B, capital I, capital G mistake!
I forgot to pack lunch for school... and I won't be home till 14:30 and I ate breakfast at 6:30. I can't restrict, I don't want a worse relapse than it already is! What to do??
We have a cafeteria here at school, but I can't eat food someone I don't trust has prepared.... it's a major fearfood of mine!
Maybe I just have to challenge myself and fight through it? One baguette won't kill me. Worse case scenior is that it will ruin the rest of my day, but that's really hard to do since I'm going to see Jeff Dunham tonight! I'm really looking forward to that, since I didn't get to travel to the Netherlands this week on a school project...
But I have to look on the bright side of life!

Gotta love Monty Python! especially on tough days like this one.
Stay strong!

When a mental disorder takes over your life

When a mental disorder takes over your life, you just simply got to fight to get it back, because eventually it will take your life away. Maybe in the moment you are depressed that sounds pretty great. The thought of something taking your life away seems relieving. But in the moment you are NOT depressed, you can´t think of not being alive. Depression is like most other mental disorders, a disorder which you can recover from.  If you try hard enough, you will recover and learn to love life again. And when you’re recovered you will be thankful for being alive, I can promise you that.

When I was at my worst, I had pre-heart attack symptoms. I had chest pains and felt like there was a ton lying on my chest. I had constant back pain in my upper back, toothache and pain in my left arm, which are all known as pre-heart attack symptoms. I got help in time. Thankfully! I can‘t believe if I had gotten a heart attack, only 17 years old! 17 year old and a heart attack don‘t simply fit with each other.

An eating disorder CAN take your life away. No, you are not allowed to think that „nope, that won‘t happen to me, I‘m not sick enough“ because that´s bullshit. If you don‘t fight back, it WILL take your life away! And once it does, you can‘t get it back because, well, you´re dead. Everyone has their own struggles and have to fight through the day. If you want to live, you have got to fight twice as hard as them, because here we are talking about life or death.

 If you restrict, you can lose your life, even though you are categorized as “normal weighted”. If your body lacks nutrients and food in general over a long time, you can get serious complications which can lead to a tragic death. Reports of the 1981 hunger strike by political prisoners against the British presence in Northeast Ireland indicate that 10 individuals died after periods of between 46 and 73 days without food. Think! 46-73 days, that’s a pretty short time! You won’t survive much longer than that, and chances are that you won’t even survive that long!

My mom told me about a woman who worked out at her gym. She was there 24/7, usually on the skiing machine or the treadmill. She was thin, but not as thin as the pictures that come up on Google when you search for Anorexia (apropos, very few people who suffer from anorexia look that way). Nobody was fascinated or admired her of her stamina for running for hours. They looked at her and thought “poor lady”. Eventually they had to ban her from the gym. She was forced into several treatments, but once she was “better”, she came to the gym and was back to where she began, running or skiing for hours. Few months later, she died. She wasn't as thin as the anorexia pictures on the internet, but her body couldn't bare the restriction and over exercise any more. It gave up.  

That could be you. Think about it. Is this disorder gonna win, or are YOU going to win this fight? I bet on you.

Tough time and snack

My evening snack for tonight is an organic Superfruit raw food bar. Delicious!
Ana has been really tough on me today and I'm about to give up, but I wont. I wont let myself to give up now when I've come so far. I will recover sometime, and if I give up now, the next time I try recovery it will be A LOT harder. It's hard enough now, so no, I won't give up!
-M

Tired of being tired

I'm tired of being tired all the time. I'm tired of freezing. I'm tired of being in bad shape. I'm tired of being constipated. All I can do is wait. Wait for my body to start working again. I'm in worse shape than my grandma, and she has lungproblems.... that's how bad shape I'm in.

I went for a walk earlier today (NOTE: my first walk alone in weeks!!!! I'm proud!) I walked for about an hour and stopped regularly to take pictures. (I photograph a lot, a alot, a lot! ) I went to a park here nearby and photographed birds, nature, horses etc. On my way home my body was giving up. My feet were unbelievebly heavy, my eyes were about to close and I almost fainted. BUT my mind was set on finishing this walk. I was going to get myself home! I just had to! I got home, but it took a hell of a lot longer time than usual.... and now I'm about to fall a sleep, even though I slept for 11 hours last night. 

I'm tired of this. I wish it never went this way!

Here are some photos from today: