Challenges challenges challenges

There are challenges around every corner. I challenge myself every single minute of every single day. I never thought I would make it this far, but I have. The time passes unbelievably fast and at times I can't follow it. I just kind of float with the stream. At school, I am "just kind of there". Waiting for the time to pass so I can go home and be alone. My Ana doesn't think I deserve having friends. She is upset, she's furious. I am eating as normally as I can and I do my best to do exactly the opposite of what she says, but I end up every single evening with a panic attack. My heart beating at 300 mph and it hurts. An aching pain swirling around in my chest, killing every little bit of hope that's left.

But the next day, when I wake up, I'm fully motivated (or at least nearly) and I kick my ass out of bed to eat breakfast. It's easier when I have enough time, no stress, and can enjoy the moment of actually completing something I never thought I would be able to do. I don't want to isolate myself, and I promise I won't, but it sure seems the best solution from time to time.

I'm hanging in there and doing the best I can, but it's hard to eat when you're not hungry... I don't get hungry anymore. I just feel dizzy and weird because of lack of energy, that reminds me to eat. Sometimes 10 times passes until I actually remember to eat. That happens especially when I'm at school...
I'm working on it though.

My weight bounces up and down, up and down, up and down. It's not stable and I guess that's partly waterweight and partly restriction at school 's fault. A.k.a. my fault.
It's all my fault, I know that. I was the one who got myself to this point, and I know am the only one who is able to get me back up from there, so I'm doing my best!
-M

 I haven’t been feeling particularly good since yesterday. But I won’t bore you with depressing anorexic thoughts, they’re not healthy and I know that. So ignoring those thoughts is the only thing I can do at this moment, or at least try my best to.

Friday the 13th

Well, a little mobile blog post is always needed once in a while, right?
I've had better days, to put it that way. Like I said yesterday I haven't been at school for the last two days, so coming back today was difficult. PLUS my psychologist was coming to my school to have my appointment there.
Since I was so anxious I decided to take my camera with me. BEST idea I've ever had! Looking at life through a lense is much easier than facing it yourself! It helps and I have a good time, so why not?
I actually put on make-up today to try to look a little bit pretty, but nooooo... Of course I had to cry like a baby during my appointment, so that was pretty much ruined. Typical. But not weird considering it's Friday the 13th ;) nja, I don't really believe in those kind of things, but it's fun to kid around with.
Aaand I'm feeling kind of rebellious today, so here's a pic of me hehe
P.s. I'm going to try out some new recipes soon and will post them here if they turn out good, so keep up for updates! :)