I do not need

I do not need
empty stomachs,
shrinking skin,
children’s clothing,
or dropping numbers;

I do not need
icy hands,
sunken eyes,
falling hair,
or jutting bones;

I do not need
distant thoughts,
blacked out vision,
hospital beds,
or a dying pulse.

I do not need validation:

I do not need
to die again
to be deserving of
coming back to life.

Day 25

What are your ‘fear foods’? I CHALLENGE you to eat one today. Dare you. Do it.

• pastry (cakes included)
• Full fat items
• Sugary items, full sugar items and sugar in general  
• Not diet or light sodas/squash
• Juice
• Fruits except frozen berries (stupid, I know...), especially the ones where 100 g have more than 100 kcals. 
• Ice cream
• Smoothie
• Bread things, especially if it's not whole wheat or whole grain bread
• Sweets, except milk and brown chocolate (not more than 100g through the day!), white chocolate is still a fear
• Oil and butter
• Sauces
• None diet hot chocolate
• Beef
• Minced meat
• Meats on bread
• Chocolate cereals and cereals with sugar like Frosties
• Cheese, but not cheese spread
• Pasta
• And some other stuff I can't think of right now.

This is a terribly long list, in fact this list shouldn't consist of any item! I'm terribly sorry if this triggers anyone of you! But you have to know that this is NOT healthy! This is NOT "cool" or "fabulous". Having fearfoods won't do you any good! It makes you miserable. Be afraid of some innocent food item takes away so much of you time. The worries, the fright and the isolation that comes with it consume your life. Be strong and challenge your eating disorder!

Day 23

Day 23 apparently got lost somewhere on the way, but better late than never right?

List 2 positive things that happened to you today
- I'm gonna tell you about Friday, because I think that this post was supposed to be published then (?) 

1. My mom didn't wake me up and stayed at home with me because I was nowhere near being in good enough shape to survive the day by myself after a major breakdown the evening before. 
2. We went Christmas shopping, bought some stuff to make our living room perfect, went to a cafe and I had a normal hot chocolate WITH full fat cream AND white chocolate sprinkles (!!!!!!!) and like that wasn't enough, I also had a glorious brownie WITH cream!!! My mom had almost the same, except she had a mocha instead of chocolate. It was completely spontaneous and a HUGE step for me. I didn't even regret it. 

I love my mum so much, don't know what I would do without her!

I'm freezing my ass off right now. I'm so cold that I can't even do schoolwork. I'm laying besides the radiator, and still am I freezing. What is up with that?
I love wintertime, but I don't look forward to this winter weather wise... I'm freezing now and it is +degrees outside, how will it be when the temperature is around -10 or even -20 degrees? Yeah, I know what you're thinking. I'll die!

I'm staying home from school today because I am in a huge relapse and I really have to use all my time and efforts to get back on track. I hate this stupid, annoying, hating, terrifying disorder. I want to be free,  free like a bird!

There is no one else than me, myself and I, I have to recover for. I have to recover because I want to, not because others want me too. Even though that's a big plus, I won't be able to recover if I don't want to myself. I can wish all I want, but wishing isn't enough. I have to put those wishes into actions. And if I want to be able to put those wishes into actions, I have to put all my time and efforts into it.

I want to gain my life back. I want to enjoy life and enjoy living. I am sick and tired of this so called 'life'. I want to be normal, once in for all. Even though I'll never be completely normal (if there is such a thing) I want to be a little closer to it than 500000000 miles away like I am now.

Why does this have to be so hard?
I'm finally getting a specialist to talk to, and I'll meet her on Tuesday. I deeply hope that it will work because I am desperate. I need to be able to concur this illness. It has taken up way too much of my life!

Day 21

Who has been the biggest contributor of your recovery in your life? Explain.

My biggest contributor must be my mama, though grandma is a tough runner up!
My mommy is always there for me. She takes care of me, wipes my tears away, hugs me when everything around me is collapsing, keeps reassuring me that I can do this, and at last but not least: she loves me, she always has, even though I've been a really tough child to raise, considering all my problems and challenges. Even though I've lost my temperature and been really unfair and mean to her, she still sticks around, even when everyone left. I love her so much and I couldn't do this without her.

Day 20

 I feel eating disorders have somehow been glamorized. Explain your opinion on this.
You have probably seen those 'pro-ana', 'pro mia' or 'thinspo' pictures, IG accounts, Tumblr accounts and even facebook sites and blogs. It is horrible, disgusting and sad. It is sad that teenagers out there look at anorexics and think: "omg, her legs are perfect!" "I want a thighgap like that!" "I wish my ribcase was as visible as hers". It is so sad that I get tears in my eyes just by thinking about it. We who suffer don't wish for this illness. It is an ILLNESS, a mental ILLNESS, not a body shape or perfection. It is an illness! It comes with an unmeasurable amount of pain, suffering and sadness. I can't describe all the feelings that pass my head after meals. I suffer in silence for a whole day just by eating breakfast. I restrict sometimes, and I am NOT proud of it because all it does is destroy my body even more. Not giving your body the nutrients and amount of energy it needs to function on daily bases is NOT cool. It is sad. It is sad that you feel like you can't eat lunch because you'll get fat. That is such a bullshit! Your body NEEDS food, it NEEDS energy, it NEEDS nutrients. So eat that god damn brownie or sandwich or cupcake or what ever you want because your body NEEDS it! Screw the 'thigh gap' because it doesn't exist. It is something we humans have made up thinking that it is the sign of a healthy, fit, beautiful body. But you know what? It is so NOT healthy. Unless it is natural for your body to have the 'thigh gap', but that is not something anyone should be working towards if it isn't normal for their body. Every body has its own healthy weight, a wheight where it your body is happy, healthy, functions properly and it is natural for it to stay at. No one will gain forever (unless you eat 5000+ kcal a day). If you eat properly and healthy, you will gain till you are at a healthy weight. That's how the human body works. It tries it's best to stay healthy. So simple is that. 

Day 18

Here’s a challenge. Come up with a hobby you’ve never done or haven’t done in a while that has NOTHING to do with eating or exercising or cooking. Totally non eating disorder related. What is your hobby? Why did you choose it?

Horse-riding. I didn’t choose it because of the exercise, and I’ve never ridden with the thought of “exercise” in my head, but because when I’m riding I feel completely free, ED and mental illness free, and I LOVE it! 

Have you ever seen such a beautiful horse as this one? Nope, that's what I thought. I am a proud owner of this stallion and he's just perfect! The man in the first photo is my grandpa btw :) 

Day 17

 What does being fat TRULY mean to you?

Being fat doesn’t really mean anything special to me. I don’t want to get fat and Ana keeps telling me that I can’t continue being this way aka. fat. Ana tells me that being fat is disgusting, depressing and the root to all my problems. But that is so far away from the truth as possible. I know that, but believing it is the hard part…

Day 15

Post a picture of you before you ever developed an eating disorder. What emotions were you feeling in this picture? Describe your picture.

I didn't know what picture I should choose because I don't know exactly when it all started. I mean, I stopped bringing lunch to school in second/third grade, so yeah, you see my problem?

But here's the photo I chose:

This is me and my little brother during the summer of 2009. I wasn't completely ED free there and I remember that on our zoo trip that summer that I didn't want anything from a café there or a free gingerbread cookie they were giving away in a little train that went through some part of the park. BUT if I was hungry, I ate. Or well, most of the time. I didn't know I had a problem during that time, and first now am I "discovering" that I've dealt with an ED for a loooong time now. 

What I am feeling in this picture? I was really insecure since mom was taking a full body photo, but I never even liked those when I was younger so may not be ED related (?) But I was happy. and yeah a bid of a true teenage girl, as you can see by my pose haha! I mean, common, I had JUST finished 7th grade and was like totally grown-up! ;)

Day 14

How do your friends and family feel about your eating disorder?

 They are really supportive and understanding. My family is really put down by it and worry about me, especially my grandma, but it only shows how much I mean to them and that again motivates me to get better because they deserve so much more. 

Day 13

Do you believe you can ever fully recover from an eating disorder? Explain.

 I want to believe that I can. At the moment, it feels like it will always be a part of me, like an arm or a leg, something that I won’t be able to get rid of. But I like being positive and thinking that the road ahead will eventually be completely ED-free. The thought of being in this hell for the rest of my life terrifies me. And if it will be that way, then so be it. I don't have to think about that now, when all I can do is be positive.

Day 12

Post 1 thing you've aten today

This was my lunch. Two toasts. One with butter (!), ham(!), cheese (!) and cucumberslices. The other one with Prime (Norwegian spread that is made of milkproducts) and my daily glass of milk on the side :)
Fearfood Friday? huh, nope, not for me. For me, everyday is a fearfood day!

-M

P.S. this is my Instagram account if you are interested (hint, hint ;) )

Day 11

List 10 PHYSICAL features you like about yourself.

 Omg, this is so hard! I don’t really like anything about myself at the moment, I dislike almost everything and I don’t like looking at my body because it triggers me because it’s “too fat and disgusting”. That is at least what the demon on my shoulder keeps telling me. I don’t think this list is going to be long but here it goes:

1. I have a birthmark right besides my left eye that I actually like

2. I have a light birthmark below my right eye that I like. I and birthmarks have a weirdly good relationship.

3. My ears, weirdly enough, but I like them :P I guess that’s because they are similar to my grandma’s ears.

4. My eye-color, it’s light blue, just like my grandma’s

5. I like my hair, even though it’s really thin and keeps falling out. I like how long it has gotten J 

6. I think that’s it. Because I don’t want to trigger anyone I won’t mention the anorexic things I like about my body. 

Day 10

Does anyone in your close family have an eating disorder? If so, do you think it had an impact on you developing one?

 Yes, my fathers mother has Anorexia as well. And yes I think that had a huge impact on me, especially because when she was at her sickest she kept reminding me that thin was better and when I started losing weight in 5^th grade, she gave me a huge compliment and told me that I had been fat and stuff… But she has helped me a lot and this summer she said that we should fight together and the first one to get to 65 kg would get a price hehe. But I don’t know how that is going since she doesn’t really contact me when I’m not visiting her.

A normal teenager for half a day

Yesterday I was going to restrict. I felt humongous and disgusting, but then I read my favourite blog that always helps me through tough times and motivates me to continue recovery, even when I am about to give up (www.living-with-anorexia.blogspot.com) You should really check out her blog, she's amazing!!
But yeah back to me. Like I said, I read the blog and it motivated me to fight, so what did I do? well, I went down the toughest, stressfulest, hardest stairs I've ever have gone down. It's the same stair as I always walk up and down at least once a day at school, but they've never been this tough to climb. I went to the cantine to buy something to eat. Some REAL food, not diet yoghurt or 0% fat products. REAL wholegrain baguette with a cut up meatball, pickle, onion and mustard dressing (!!) It was so good and I didn't let the guilt sneak up on me. No matter how hard it tried, I didn't let it get to me. And I'm proud!

Later that day, I went to the supermarket with my mom and guess who got her pre ed favourite icecream?! Yes, it was ME! Magnum whitechocolate strawberry icecream. It was DELICIOUS!
Did I restrict after that? Nope. I had dinner wich was wholegrain couscous with a soft egg and mini tomatoes. After that I went out to a party. The first one in over a year! Due to my struggles I haven't been able to party, and nope I don't drink. I don't want to. I don't see anything charming with underage youths drinking with the one mission: drink as much as they can in the shortest possible time. But yeah, I had fun with my friends and actually felt like a normal teenager for once :-D I danced like an idiot and laughed like one as well.

My classmates kept saying how glad they were to see me and asking me if I was having fun. They are amazing and so nice! (they know that I'm struggling)
Yesterday afternoon was really nice and I don't regret a thing!
Over and out
-M xoxo

When will I learn to love myself?

When my dad was here 3 weeks ago I lost weight. A lot of weight considering he only was here for 5 days. I lost whole 3 kg!! Since then, I've lost 2 more kg. A part of me is proud, really proud! But have I been working towards this the last 3 months? No, not at all. I haven't been striving towards recovery to let Ana take control. I've been working towards happiness, but I've ended up pretty miserable.

I want to have a normal relationship with food. That's all I wish for. I don't get hungry, and worst of all, I don't get full. I don't know those two feelings anymore and I'm terrified of binging. I've only binged once, luckily enough, because the guilt that came afterwards almost killed me.

I want to be healthy, I want to feel normal, I want to be happy, I want to feel comfortable in my own body and be confident, but I don't know how to anymore. Or have I ever known how that feels?

I've never been comfortable in my own body. Never. Not even as a child. You could say I've had a kind of an ed since, well, forever. I always thought "no, I can't eat that, I'll get fatter." Not only fat, but fatter because I felt unbelievably huge.

And am I just gonna learn to love myself now at age 17? Almost 18?! I guess I'll just have to. That's what recovery is for, right?

Update

I haven't blogged in a while since, well, to say it mildly: I was being eaten up by the universe, as you probably noticed by the last post. I'm doing better now though, and it has been that way for the past 2-3 days. But atm I feel like I am slowly drowning again.
School is taking every small amount of energy and motivation to get better away from me. I'm at breaking point and getting a nervous breakdown (again!) isn't unlikely atm. But I hold on to positivity as hard as I can. I know I can't get away from the dailylife and that's not what I want either. I just want to get better :)

I had a biology test earlier today that went fantastic! I have way too high standards for myself, so the last days have been biology reading, biology reading and some more biology reading. Eucaryote cells is actually not as bad as I thought it would be, but it's A LOT of memorizing!

I will try to write posts more often, but I have a lot of tests, essays and crap to do, but I will do my best :)

Btw, what do you want me to blog more about? eg. food updates, more daily life, articles, inspiration etc?

-M

Is it too much to ask for?

Like I've said before: I haven't been feeling very well. I was at home from school yesterday and today and the plan was to do some schoolwork, but I just couldn't get myself to do it. I couldn't consentrate. I haven't even been able to to a sudoku or watch TV for more than 3 minutes. I am totally constipated (again!) and it hurts! I am cold, and I am really struggling with eating my meals. So staying at home, trying to get my mental and physical self back on track is probably the best choice I've taken in a while. I don't like being home from school, but when the situation is like this, then I have to put my health before anything else.

I just want to get better and be healthy again. Is that too much to ask for?

I've walked around with a piratepatch all day, due to I've gotten a lazy eye thanks to lack of nutrition and vitamins over quite some time. Gotta love it. When I bought the pack, I got some "tattoos" to put on the patches and I thought: "Ok, If I'm gonna do it, I might as well take it all the way and have cute animal pics on them as well?" so yes, that's what I did :-) 

Sorry for my swollen face, recovery is really paying it's toll...

Yeah, I had a photoshoot with myself earlier today hehe, always as much fun hehe. Ehm, no. Much more entertaining to take pictures of others... and that doesn't kill the little self-esteem I have left. I feel really stupid to post these, but I feel like I have to express myself in someway so here it goes:

It's like I am "Ana" in this pic. It shows how dark, creepy and terrifying the disorder is.

I'm really really constipated, like you can see....

Please, no hate. I'm sorry if it's triggering. That was not the purpose of this post!!! 

-M

Puzzle pieces

Woke up, 5:30 am, more than ready to start the day of. I lay in bed till 5:45 and then decided to get out of bed and make myself a delicious breakfast a.k.a. porridge with mango and cocos. I ate and felt kind of motivated. I actually looked forward to school, but all of a sudden everything changed. It went from a good day, to a terrible one in 0.01 seconds. Everything came razing down. I was in the middle of math class, actually only half an hour in to it and still had 2 hours left. I just sat there, staring in to nothing and I was senseless at that moment and felt everything around me racing down like a waterfall.

I am tired, so extremely tired of seeing things that aren’t real. No I’m not schizophrenic, I am talking about fat. I see fat everywhere, even my toes are fat. I see a belly that is way too huge and makes a “beautiful” muffin top over my pant line.  I see thighs that literally jiggle in the wind. I see calves that could be real calves, that’s how huge they are. I see a double chin bigger than Mount Everest. I see arms that look like arms on an obese person and at last but not least, I see cheeks that are blown up like balloons.

I know that these things aren’t true. I know how Ana is disturbing my thoughts, but seeing this 24/7, every time I look in the mirror and every time I look at myself, makes it too real to not believe it. At times it gets too much, way too much. That’s what happened today at school. I began crying, in the middle of class, over my breakfast that I btw ate two HOURS earlier! The regret, the shame, the disappointment was enormous. My head was weird. I couldn’t concentrate, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t listen. The only thing I could do was look in the mirror and cry while feeling my rib, chest, collar and hip bones. Nothing sexual, only Ana being Ana. I wasn’t me anymore. I was Ana.

More and more of me is constantly getting washed away, but at the same moment I am always finding new pieces that I didn’t know existed. It’s like a puzzle and I’ve finally understood that some of those pieces that I’ve been struggling puzzling together simply do not fit. And all this time I have been desperately forcing them together and didn’t understand why they always fell apart again.

I haven’t found all the pieces yet, and I am still forcing pieces together to feel and look more “whole”. But even though I want them to fit, they don’t. I just have to accept the fact that this process takes time and in the end, I will have all my pieces in the right place. Even though it is on my death-bed, they will all fit together sometime. 

Day 5

What actions do you believe could be taken in the future to help prevent your child(ren) or close friends from ever developing an eating disorder?

·         We have to positively encourage people around us, and reassure them that they are beautiful and fantastic just the way they are. That way increases their self-esteem and makes them believe that they are good enough, ALWAYS good enough.

·         The community has to stop being so obsessed with appearances, calories and weight loss.

·         Assure that they are good taken care of, by themselves and by others. Be there for them when they need and help them to think more positively, see something positive in every situation. That is important. We need to be more like Pollyanna 

There are so many other actions to be taken to help prevent our close ones to develope

an eating disorder. We have to remember that our actions have consequences. What you

say to another person might not matter much to you, but to that person it can turn their

life upside down.