What to say when a loved one has an eating disorder

1. Don’t make valued body judgments

Example sentences:

• “You look great as you are!”
• “But you are already thin.”
• “You look healthy!”
• “You’re not fat.”
• “REAL women have curves!”
• “You don’t want to look emaciated, you want to look buff/toned!”

Why you might want to say it:

• “Eating disorders happen because people are insecure about how they look… so if I compliment them, they’ll be less insecure, and feel better!’

Why you shouldn’t:

• Eating disorders are about taking every insecurity and translating it into terms of food/weight/appearance, making appearance insecurity mostly a symptom of a larger problem rather than the whole problem itself. In addition, the accidental message being sent is that an eating disorder is only bad if the person is already thin — and so if that person was fat, their eating disorder would “make sense,” not be as much of a problem, or not bad enough to need help.

What to say instead:

• Focus on things that don’t depend on weight — activities that they are good at, positive character traits, and occasionally weight-independent physical characteristics
• “Look how strong you are now!”
• “You’re much more active/aware/fun to be around since you’ve recovered.”
• “I like you because you are a great friend.”
• “You look a lot happier since you’ve recovered.”
• “Losing or gaining weight won’t change how I feel about you — I love you for who you are, not how you look.”

2. Don’t make it about your issues or insecurities

Example sentences:

• “If you think YOU’RE fat, you must think I’M obese!”
• “If you loved me, you would eat more.”
• “If you won’t eat, then I won’t eat either.”
• “I know how you feel.”
• “Are you trying to punish me for something?”
• “I’m sorry.”

Why you might want to say it:

• “Love conquers all! Maybe they don’t like themselves enough to recover, but if I make it about me, then they’ll choose to recover for me.”
• Many people want to say “I know how you feel” or “I’m sorry” out of genuine desire to empathize and help. And while they are more helpful than many of the others, the fact of the matter is that you CAN’T really know how they feel, because you’re not them, and it’s not your fault, so your “sorry” doesn’t really mean anything.

Why you shouldn’t:

• Eating disorders are an illness, and they are not about hurting anyone else; they are a way to cope with otherwise overwhelming things (depression, anxiety, abuse, trauma, etc.).Heaping more blame on a sick person, and making them focus on you and your discomfort will only make them feel more guilt and shame, making recovery even more difficult. The likely outcome will probably be that they will stop seeing you as a safe ally, and instead feel the increased need to lie or hide things from you in order to not hurt you. This isolates them further, and keeps you from actually being able to be there for them in an effective way.

What to say instead:

• “I am here for you, because I care about you.”
• “How can I best support you?”

3. Don’t call attention to what/how much they’re eating

Example sentences:

• “OMG you’re actually eating!!”
• “You’re eating again, so I guess you’re recovered!”
• “You’ll eat THAT, but you won’t eat ___?”
• “You’re eating a lot… are you going to puke it up later?”
• “That must be at least ____ calories!” / “Do you know how much fat/carbs/sodium is in that??”

Why you might want to say it:

• For some of these, well-meaning people might say it as a way to point out progress in recovery, or to make a serious situation a little more lighthearted, or just genuine curiosity. For others, I can only guess that they just weren’t thinking at all.

Why you shouldn’t:

• Eating disorders are toxic because of obsession; part of recovery is learning to do normal things without obsessing about them or paying them undue attention. When you call attention to something we really need to think less about, it is very triggering and almost universally unhelpful.

What to say instead:

• “I’m proud of you for all the progress you’ve made in recovery.”
• “Great job, honey. So how’s that [insert unrelated project] of yours coming along?”

4. DO NOT brush it off, or downplay the severity

Example sentences:

• “It’s just a phase.”
• “It’s not that bad.”
• “You’re not really sick.”
• “Other people are sicker/starving in China/etc.”
• “It’s just an extreme diet.”
• “I know how you feel, dieting is really stressful.”

Why you might want to say it:

• “It’s just a negative attention-getting tactic; if I don’t reward it, they’ll drop the act.”
• “I used to have a ‘phase’ like that, and I got over it, so they will, too.”

Why you shouldn’t:

• If someone trusts you enough to open up about something they’re really struggling with, it is completely invalidating to brush it off as nothing. If you are one of the first people they open up to about something, and you react in this way, it could very well discourage them from getting the help they might desperately need, perhaps until it’s too late.
• Each experience with disordered eating is different. It could very well be just a “dieting” phase for some people, but it is also the deadliest mental illness for a reason — because for some people, it is much more serious.

What to say instead:

• Try to reflect back the amount of seriousness that they are bringing to the table. Note that this means you have to listen to nonverbal cues and take into account their personality/confrontational style. If it seems like they are getting something heavy off their chest by telling you this, it is a sign that this means a great deal to them, and that what they are looking for from you is to address that it is a struggle and to offer them support. If they mention a-little-too-casually that they have been dieting a lot recently, try asking more conversational questions that could help them open up a little more about what they’re going through.
• “It sounds like this is weighing heavily on you. Do you want to talk about it?”
• “ ‘dieting a lot,’? What do you mean?”

5. Do NOT offer or ask for dieting tips. Don’t talk about dieting at all.

Example sentences:

• “If you REALLY wanted to lose weight…”
• “So-and-so lost ___ lbs on such-and-such diet.”
• “I read about this diet in [insert notoriously fat-shaming magazine]…”

Why you might want to say it:

• It’s become a kind of way for women to bond with other women, and just for people to talk idly about in general. Cultural pressure has almost literally everyone worried about their weight and so it’s common ground for almost everyone else, which makes it very accessible as personalized small talk. Mostly people just say this kind of stuff because they aren’t really familiar with the profound consequences it has on some people.

Why you shouldn’t:

• Self-comparison is incredibly addictive and very unhealthy, especially for those with eating disorders. Statements like this are like throwing wood on a fire and then dumping the contents of a gasoline truck onto it.
• Implying that they should focus on losing weight is terrible. It’s kind of exactly opposite all the goals of recovery.

What to say instead:

• anything else. Seriously.

6. Don’t blame them for being sick

Example sentences:

• “Snap out of it!”
• “Stop feeling sorry for yourself.”
• “Just eat something already, jeez.”
• “Why are you making this so hard on me/everyone else?”
• “You’re being really selfish.”

Why you might want to say it:

• Frustration, largely, with an issue that you don’t really understand that doesn’t seem to be making the consistent progress you’d want.
• Wanting to “shake them out of it”

Why you shouldn’t:

• It doesn’t work
• It reinforces guilt, blame, the idea that there is something wrong with them, etc. It also sets the expectation that they can just “snap out of it,” (when clearly they can’t, or they certainly would have by now), and when those expectations are internalized and then not met, it’s even more “justification” for the low self-esteem and low sense of self-worth that are major barriers to recovery.

What to say instead

• “I know that this is very frustrating for you. Remember that I care about you a lot and I am here in whatever capacity I can be.
• You might also want to say nothing and take a breather until you can rejoin the fray. Being a supporter of someone with a chronic illness, especially a chronic “invisible” illness, is extremely draining and can have serious effects for the people around the suffer as well as the sufferer themself. If you need a few days off in order to clear your head and regain your balance, that is more than fine. Your number one job is to take care of yourself; only when you are really addressing your own needs can you actually be helpful to others. If you need to explain this to your loved one with an eating disorder, reassure them that you still care deeply about them, and you still want to help, but that you need some time to take care of yourself for a while. Try to make sure that they recognize that they have other people in their support network that they can lean on if necessary, that you’re not abandoning them to their own devices. Emphasize that it is not their fault, just that you have your own affairs you need to get in order. Establish exactly what kind of relationship they can expect from you in the meantime — no contact? emergency contact? just friends? no difference in label, just less time/emotional availability? Agree on expectations (both yours of them and theirs of you) and things will hopefully go much more smoothly. But whatever happens, again, your first responsibility is to take care of yourself and you are NOT a bad person if you ultimately have to withdraw from a position as supporter in order to do so.

Source: http://edrecoveryprobs.com/post/63025631041/this-post-has-been-a-long-time-coming-a-few

Please eat

Please eat, imagine if in 30 years time you're still living with this horrible illness because you didn't make the decision to recover now. Eat that cake and buttery toast before bedtime, have a milky hot chocolate with melted marshmallows in it because although those things seem very significant now, in the bigger picutre they're really not. In 30 years time you won't even remember eating the 'scary foods' but what you will remember is spending what's meant to be the best years of your life worrying about grams of fat, sugar and calories.

New Year’s resolutions of the unknown

Now, as the new year has arrived, the stores are filled with weight loss products, the TV shows more weight loss commercials than the actual TV program, the magazines are full of tips on how to lose weight and etc. etc. etc. This will last through whole January, in February it will slow down a lot because people have simply given up on those unreachable and pardon my language: stupid resolutions they set for themselves in hope that the New Year will magically bring all that is needed to fulfill those resolutions. They don’t work for it, or well, they do buy bunch of dieting products thinking that that will magically make them ‘skinny’, and in few, if not none of the cases does it work.

I am annoyed by those ads that only are there to fool people to waste their money on as pointless, unnecessary dieting products. And what does it do for us, other than making us feel bad about ourselves? I don’t really know. But I know that it is triggering as hell having to go to the pharmacy to buy supplement drinks (none dietary) to actually drink WITH food, and the first thing you see is a mountain of diet supplements saying you should drink them INSTEAD of food. Is it just me, or has this become a real problem in today’s civilization?

The hottest thing today is to drink something, that you actually don’t know what is (other than it contains x calories), instead of eating real, healthy, satisfying food. Can you believe it? Are we that lazy and desperate to lose weight?

I’m going to be honest and say that I have been very tempted to buy those things, even now in recovery, because it says that you can easily lose x kg within 2 months. My mind tells me: “oh perfect! “ But hey, I need all the nutrients I am getting from eating the amount I am eating. I need those proteins, I need those carbs, I need those fats, I need those vitamins and I need those calories! My body doesn’t work without them, and neither does any other body.

Drinking those drinks doesn’t magically fix the problem you have with yourself. It won’t make you feel any better about yourself. It doesn’t make you prettier or more perfect. And it doesn’t make you more important than you ever were before. (You are more important than you think, and you will never become less or more important than that! You are as important as it is possible to be and ever become!) It doesn’t fix a thing. Not even for people those are obese. It won’t make them happier; it won’t boost their self-esteem etc. etc. etc. (I could go on and on and on, but I won’t bore you). All those things come from the inside. Even though the messages you get from the ads are that you become happier, prettier and healthier. That is bullshit and nothing but bullshit.

My therapist told me that we have to be critical to ads like that and think about who those ads are actually for. Are they for normal people within healthy weight? No. Are they for slightly overweight people that can easily change their diet to become healthier? No. Are they for us dealing with eating disorders? Hell no.

So why bother to waste money on dietary things you really do not need instead of buying that gorgeous shoes you’ve been looking at for weeks? For me it is an obvious choice.

-M

(no pics in this post as they can be triggering)

Day 27

27. Create a letter of everything you would write to your eating disorder as if it were a real life person.

Dear Ana

I’ve known you for quite some time now, and you’ve gotten way too involved in my life. Our paths need to be separated. They crossed a long time ago and have kept on crossing ever since, but now it is time for that to stop. Everything gets born and everything dies, our relationship included.

I thought you were nice. I thought the things you said were true, but things are changed now. I’ve realised what you’ve done and have been doing. You’ve messed with my head, making me belief all this bullshit of yours. “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” you say? Well I know what tastes better! LIFE! Life tastes better than striving towards perfection.

I am so irritated, frustrated and desperate because of you that I don’t know where to start expressing my real, true feelings. But I am also thankful. I am thankful for the kilos you’ve made me lose. But then again, that might be you messing with my head again. Get out, get out, GET OUT!

You came because I lacked control. Because I lost control, you decided to pop up again and save the day. Except all you did was making it tough, in another way than before, but tough. You saved my life. You saved me from killing myself. You made me feel a bit better with every kilo I lost, but it was never good enough. 17 kg. You took 17 kilos away from me, but I still didn’t get me to the underweight category measured by BMI. You got me to 18,7. And I know that frustrates you as it was SO close! Half a kilo more and we would be UNDERWEIGHT again. A little over three years ago, you got me to BMI 17,7 and of course that wasn’t low enough for you, but back then I fought against you. I had the energy and will, but you never really left. I didn’t get professional help later on as I was way too fat to be suffering from such a demon like you in my head. And whenever I brought you up with anyone, they just looked the other way. I tried to tell them about my experience with you in the past and how the thoughts still hunted me, but they wouldn’t listen. They wouldn’t take it seriously. You hid in the back of my head, getting ready for a backfire, which eventually came.

You don’t want me to talk. You don’t want me to tell anyone as it is “our little secret”. It is embarrassing to tell anyone that you actually are a voice, because I feel that by admitting that I am admitting that I am crazy. Hearing voices isn’t normal, it is the opposite of normal.
I get super nervous when I talk about you because you are there, in my head, screaming at every word I say. I want you to get lost. I want you to leave me alone, for once.

I want my period back (surprisingly). 3 years of irregular or none menstruation is a long time. Now it has been… I don’t remember how long, since I got my last monthly menstruation.  But to illustrate it a bit: After I started recovery (July 2013) I should have gotten my period 5 times. I’ve had it 2, each one for not even a day. I don’t even know if it can be counted as menstruation. 

You’ve taken so much away from me: my womanhood (haha), my ability to socialize without being super awkward, my few friends I had, the spark in my eyes, my happiness, so much excitement towards things like Christmas, birthdays etc. You’ve taken away so many possible good memories and replaced them by memories of tears, desperation, head hanging on the toilet seat, exhausted after stuffing my fingers literally down to the larynx and pressing my stomach up to my lungs.

But you’ve given me so much as well. You’ve given me people who care. You’ve given me so many really good friends, two that I can define as best friends. You’ve brought my family closer to me, supporting me and showing me that they care. You’ve made me and my grandma have a better relationship, and showed me that she and I are really much alike, more than I could ever imagine. You’ve made my other grandma and I so much closer and I can proudly define my grandma as one of my very close friends.

Inside my head, you’ve made my life miserable. But outside, in the real world, you’ve made me realise that I’ve got people around me that love me (or well, you’ve made them show me that they care).  And that messes really with my head because I start questioning if I get healthy, people will stop caring. They will stop noticing me. Stop loving me. I don’t want that. But I don’t want you either. I am afraid that I will lose my support and end in the same black hole as I was in 6 months ago. I want to thrive, but I also want to survive. That’s the problem. 

What is Ana doing to you?

I was with my psychology specialist yesterday and she really made me think. What is it that I am trying to achieve? What is it my eating disorder wants me to achieve?
      I did not need to think for long. Of course it is to be thinner, better and more beautiful. That is all I have ever wanted to achieve. Do I want to be perfect? Eh YES. Of course do I want to be perfect, who doesn't?
     But when will I achieve perfectness? I’ll be perfect when I am thin, beautiful and good enough.
     When will I achieve being “beautiful enough”? I answered: when people will notice me.
     When will I be “thin enough”? I answered: when I can see that it is enough.

That is a dangerous thought don’t you think? Measuring myself by my distorted thoughts. Will I ever achieve those goals? There is a quite simple answer to that: Nope. The thinner I’ll get, the higher the standards get. Achieving “perfectness” is undoable. It is impossible. Just like when I made myself a goal weight and said: “when I will be x kg, I’ll be satisfied”. But what happened when I got to that weight? “Just five more kg and I’ll be happy” that’s what happened. And that is how it continued, and would have continued till I disappeared, if I had not been stopped. The standards got higher as the weight got lower. 

While Ana (Anorexia Nervosa) is making you want to achieve perfectness (which is not achievable), she is actually dragging you as far away from it as possible. It is different from person to person what ‘perfect’ is, but it most often goes on appearances (hair, eyes, smile, face, body and such things). As well as wanting you to achieve her standards of ‘beauty’ and ‘perfect’, she is dragging you down with her, not letting you eat, making you restrict, making you feel guilty and making you completely paranoid. By doing like she says, you won’t reach her standards. Not only because they are unreachable, but also because you destroy your body. 
Your smile disappears and her empty look comes instead. The glimpse in your eyes that once exampled your joy and happiness will be long gone and replaced by a sad glimpse of tears. Your beautiful hair that used to flax in the wind will fall out in clumps and your skin gets dry like a desert. The life as you know it collapses. You won’t be yourself anymore, you will be her. But what is she? Who is Ana?  

We all have different opinion on her and we all experience her differently. She is not the same for anyone. No two Ana’s can be compared to each other. 

For me she is bossy. She’s a bully. Her voice is the voices of my bullies that are constantly on repeat in my head. She is every bad word in the dictionary. She never lets me catch a break and take a deep breath. But she is also a friend. She is a friend that has been there for me for a long time. When I felt alone and forgotten, she was there telling me that everything will be OK, as long as I lost a few pounds. She assured me that everything would be OK, if only I would drop lunch. She assured me that starving myself would make me feel a lot better and people would start liking me. But as the time went by she got stronger. She told me to disappear. To be so small that no one could see me anymore, because no one noticed me either way. I was a wallflower, and she told me I could as well be dead. That it would not make a difference for the world if I wasn’t present. She is a mean ‘little’ devil sitting on my shoulder, criticizing my every move. 
 Even though my heart was beating (and still is), I wasn't alive. She took my life away and replaced me with herself. I might have been called M, but in my head M’s thoughts didn’t matter. I was lost. I am first now finding myself again, even though I get lost once in awhile, I fight to find me again. And that is what matters. 

What is common with every Ana out there is that nothing she says is true, she’s a liar. Even though she tells you that what she says is the truth and nothing but the truth, she is lying. She couldn’t be more wrong. She is a murderer that comes uninvited into your life and does everything to see you suffer. She manipulates you with her sneaky ways to think that she is your friend, when everything she is, is your worst enemy that doesn’t want you anything good. And if you don’t fight, she will eventually kill you. Take your life away and put it nicely on her shelf as an award among so many other awards. Too many other awards. She keeps an ever going list of records over life she has succeeded with snapping away from innocent human beings with her sneaky ways. All you can do is fight. Fight till she disappears into the corner, scared and afraid of the strong, fantastic soldier you have become. You got to keep going and be a hell of a soldier that does not let a criminal like Ana boss him around! Fight like you have never fought before, that is the only thing that works!

I do not need

I do not need
empty stomachs,
shrinking skin,
children’s clothing,
or dropping numbers;

I do not need
icy hands,
sunken eyes,
falling hair,
or jutting bones;

I do not need
distant thoughts,
blacked out vision,
hospital beds,
or a dying pulse.

I do not need validation:

I do not need
to die again
to be deserving of
coming back to life.

Day 25

What are your ‘fear foods’? I CHALLENGE you to eat one today. Dare you. Do it.

• pastry (cakes included)
• Full fat items
• Sugary items, full sugar items and sugar in general  
• Not diet or light sodas/squash
• Juice
• Fruits except frozen berries (stupid, I know...), especially the ones where 100 g have more than 100 kcals. 
• Ice cream
• Smoothie
• Bread things, especially if it's not whole wheat or whole grain bread
• Sweets, except milk and brown chocolate (not more than 100g through the day!), white chocolate is still a fear
• Oil and butter
• Sauces
• None diet hot chocolate
• Beef
• Minced meat
• Meats on bread
• Chocolate cereals and cereals with sugar like Frosties
• Cheese, but not cheese spread
• Pasta
• And some other stuff I can't think of right now.

This is a terribly long list, in fact this list shouldn't consist of any item! I'm terribly sorry if this triggers anyone of you! But you have to know that this is NOT healthy! This is NOT "cool" or "fabulous". Having fearfoods won't do you any good! It makes you miserable. Be afraid of some innocent food item takes away so much of you time. The worries, the fright and the isolation that comes with it consume your life. Be strong and challenge your eating disorder!

Day 23

Day 23 apparently got lost somewhere on the way, but better late than never right?

List 2 positive things that happened to you today
- I'm gonna tell you about Friday, because I think that this post was supposed to be published then (?) 

1. My mom didn't wake me up and stayed at home with me because I was nowhere near being in good enough shape to survive the day by myself after a major breakdown the evening before. 
2. We went Christmas shopping, bought some stuff to make our living room perfect, went to a cafe and I had a normal hot chocolate WITH full fat cream AND white chocolate sprinkles (!!!!!!!) and like that wasn't enough, I also had a glorious brownie WITH cream!!! My mom had almost the same, except she had a mocha instead of chocolate. It was completely spontaneous and a HUGE step for me. I didn't even regret it. 

I love my mum so much, don't know what I would do without her!

Day 24

Where were you in terms of your eating disorder 6 months ago? Describe how you’ve changed.

6 months ago was May 2013 and I was inpatient due to chronic suicidal thoughts, suicidal actions, bipolar disorder and panic anxiety disorder. I was struggling, but not anything compared to how it got the month after. I had it under control. I had so many 'more serious' things to fight through everyday that my mind was really far away from ... everything really. I lived in my own head. I can't remember anything from this time other than terrible, destructive thoughts that I'd rather live without having to experience them. 
Now I am recovering from those things. Since 17th of June, I've been recovering on my own and it has gotten much better. But then again, my ED has gotten waaaaaaay worse...

I'm freezing my ass off right now. I'm so cold that I can't even do schoolwork. I'm laying besides the radiator, and still am I freezing. What is up with that?
I love wintertime, but I don't look forward to this winter weather wise... I'm freezing now and it is +degrees outside, how will it be when the temperature is around -10 or even -20 degrees? Yeah, I know what you're thinking. I'll die!

I'm staying home from school today because I am in a huge relapse and I really have to use all my time and efforts to get back on track. I hate this stupid, annoying, hating, terrifying disorder. I want to be free,  free like a bird!

There is no one else than me, myself and I, I have to recover for. I have to recover because I want to, not because others want me too. Even though that's a big plus, I won't be able to recover if I don't want to myself. I can wish all I want, but wishing isn't enough. I have to put those wishes into actions. And if I want to be able to put those wishes into actions, I have to put all my time and efforts into it.

I want to gain my life back. I want to enjoy life and enjoy living. I am sick and tired of this so called 'life'. I want to be normal, once in for all. Even though I'll never be completely normal (if there is such a thing) I want to be a little closer to it than 500000000 miles away like I am now.

Why does this have to be so hard?
I'm finally getting a specialist to talk to, and I'll meet her on Tuesday. I deeply hope that it will work because I am desperate. I need to be able to concur this illness. It has taken up way too much of my life!

Day 21

Who has been the biggest contributor of your recovery in your life? Explain.

My biggest contributor must be my mama, though grandma is a tough runner up!
My mommy is always there for me. She takes care of me, wipes my tears away, hugs me when everything around me is collapsing, keeps reassuring me that I can do this, and at last but not least: she loves me, she always has, even though I've been a really tough child to raise, considering all my problems and challenges. Even though I've lost my temperature and been really unfair and mean to her, she still sticks around, even when everyone left. I love her so much and I couldn't do this without her.

Day 20

 I feel eating disorders have somehow been glamorized. Explain your opinion on this.
You have probably seen those 'pro-ana', 'pro mia' or 'thinspo' pictures, IG accounts, Tumblr accounts and even facebook sites and blogs. It is horrible, disgusting and sad. It is sad that teenagers out there look at anorexics and think: "omg, her legs are perfect!" "I want a thighgap like that!" "I wish my ribcase was as visible as hers". It is so sad that I get tears in my eyes just by thinking about it. We who suffer don't wish for this illness. It is an ILLNESS, a mental ILLNESS, not a body shape or perfection. It is an illness! It comes with an unmeasurable amount of pain, suffering and sadness. I can't describe all the feelings that pass my head after meals. I suffer in silence for a whole day just by eating breakfast. I restrict sometimes, and I am NOT proud of it because all it does is destroy my body even more. Not giving your body the nutrients and amount of energy it needs to function on daily bases is NOT cool. It is sad. It is sad that you feel like you can't eat lunch because you'll get fat. That is such a bullshit! Your body NEEDS food, it NEEDS energy, it NEEDS nutrients. So eat that god damn brownie or sandwich or cupcake or what ever you want because your body NEEDS it! Screw the 'thigh gap' because it doesn't exist. It is something we humans have made up thinking that it is the sign of a healthy, fit, beautiful body. But you know what? It is so NOT healthy. Unless it is natural for your body to have the 'thigh gap', but that is not something anyone should be working towards if it isn't normal for their body. Every body has its own healthy weight, a wheight where it your body is happy, healthy, functions properly and it is natural for it to stay at. No one will gain forever (unless you eat 5000+ kcal a day). If you eat properly and healthy, you will gain till you are at a healthy weight. That's how the human body works. It tries it's best to stay healthy. So simple is that. 

Day 19

Has your eating disorder ever held you back from something? If so, explain.

It has held me back from so many things.. There have been people gatherings that I haven't been able to go to because I was so afraid of the food and what people think of me. I've missed out in school because I had to stay home to focus on recovery (I was about to relapse). It has held me back on doing things I like and love like having girl nights out, sleepovers, go out to eat, eat my favourite ice cream and simply enjoy life. Now it's my time to get that back.

Day 17

 What does being fat TRULY mean to you?

Being fat doesn’t really mean anything special to me. I don’t want to get fat and Ana keeps telling me that I can’t continue being this way aka. fat. Ana tells me that being fat is disgusting, depressing and the root to all my problems. But that is so far away from the truth as possible. I know that, but believing it is the hard part…

Day 15

Post a picture of you before you ever developed an eating disorder. What emotions were you feeling in this picture? Describe your picture.

I didn't know what picture I should choose because I don't know exactly when it all started. I mean, I stopped bringing lunch to school in second/third grade, so yeah, you see my problem?

But here's the photo I chose:

This is me and my little brother during the summer of 2009. I wasn't completely ED free there and I remember that on our zoo trip that summer that I didn't want anything from a café there or a free gingerbread cookie they were giving away in a little train that went through some part of the park. BUT if I was hungry, I ate. Or well, most of the time. I didn't know I had a problem during that time, and first now am I "discovering" that I've dealt with an ED for a loooong time now. 

What I am feeling in this picture? I was really insecure since mom was taking a full body photo, but I never even liked those when I was younger so may not be ED related (?) But I was happy. and yeah a bid of a true teenage girl, as you can see by my pose haha! I mean, common, I had JUST finished 7th grade and was like totally grown-up! ;)

Day 14

How do your friends and family feel about your eating disorder?

 They are really supportive and understanding. My family is really put down by it and worry about me, especially my grandma, but it only shows how much I mean to them and that again motivates me to get better because they deserve so much more. 

Day 13

Do you believe you can ever fully recover from an eating disorder? Explain.

 I want to believe that I can. At the moment, it feels like it will always be a part of me, like an arm or a leg, something that I won’t be able to get rid of. But I like being positive and thinking that the road ahead will eventually be completely ED-free. The thought of being in this hell for the rest of my life terrifies me. And if it will be that way, then so be it. I don't have to think about that now, when all I can do is be positive.

Day 12

Post 1 thing you've aten today

This was my lunch. Two toasts. One with butter (!), ham(!), cheese (!) and cucumberslices. The other one with Prime (Norwegian spread that is made of milkproducts) and my daily glass of milk on the side :)
Fearfood Friday? huh, nope, not for me. For me, everyday is a fearfood day!

-M

P.S. this is my Instagram account if you are interested (hint, hint ;) )

Day 11

List 10 PHYSICAL features you like about yourself.

 Omg, this is so hard! I don’t really like anything about myself at the moment, I dislike almost everything and I don’t like looking at my body because it triggers me because it’s “too fat and disgusting”. That is at least what the demon on my shoulder keeps telling me. I don’t think this list is going to be long but here it goes:

1. I have a birthmark right besides my left eye that I actually like

2. I have a light birthmark below my right eye that I like. I and birthmarks have a weirdly good relationship.

3. My ears, weirdly enough, but I like them :P I guess that’s because they are similar to my grandma’s ears.

4. My eye-color, it’s light blue, just like my grandma’s

5. I like my hair, even though it’s really thin and keeps falling out. I like how long it has gotten J 

6. I think that’s it. Because I don’t want to trigger anyone I won’t mention the anorexic things I like about my body. 

What if I had succeeded?

The thought of that if I hadn't gotten help and met all those incredible people through the process, I would be in this place, permanently, in the graveyard. One of many bodies buried in this ground. One of many souls wandering around, lost and terrified.

Instead, I'm here, alive. I am walking on the surface, laughing and having fun.
Seeing how thankful and proud my mom is, that I am still among us, is immeasurable. Nothing, and by that I mean NOTHING can be compared to the smile on her face seeing me with hope in my eyes again and fighting my way through life.

But what if I wasn't here?

She would have lost her only daughter, her first born, her baby. How would she carry on knowing that her own daughter took her own life? Knowing that I suffered and gave up. Tried to fight, but gave up. If I hadn't already been dead, it would kill me seeing her suffering that much.

All those times I almost succeeded, I thought I would be doing everyone a favor by leaving, by giving up and swallowing 24 sleeping pills. I wouldn't be "in the way" of everyone anymore, I wouldn't be disturbing anyone, I wouldn't be making the teachers job harder, I wouldn't be irritating my fellow classmates by my presence anymore and most of all, I would have got rid of those demons in my head.

I thought that I would never be able to be happy again. That I wouldn't be able to enjoy life again. I thought I wasn't worthy of life.

But now, 4 months after my last attempt, I am smiling, I am laughing and I am learning to love life again, and am I thankful? YES. I couldn't be more thankful for everyone that has been there for me, that cared, listened and gave me a shoulder to cry on when I needed.

I thought I couldn't fight those demons, but what am I doing every single day now? I am fighting. I am fighting like a true soldier, and I'm proving to everyone, included myself, that I am more than my illnesses. That I ain't the illness, but the person behind it. Yes, I have an illness, but I aint the illness. There's a huge difference.
For the first time in my whole and entire life, I am thankful for being alive, even though it's hard.

-M xoxo