Never good enough

It feels like no matter what I do, I do it wrong. I always fuck things up, ruin everything; most of all, my recovery. Thanks to my socially awkwardness and insecurity.
I try and I try and I try, but I never succeed. I keep reminding myself that if I do my best, I am succeeding. Even though I don't reach my goals, if I do my best that is, or at least should be, enough. But it is hard to remember that at all times.
I have to remember that no matter what I do, there is always going to be someone that is not pleased. I have to get better at doing what makes ME feel good. What I want, not only what others want me to do, but what I want to do!

I'm too obsessed with what others think of me. It takes way too much time of my everyday life, literally 24/7. It is constantly on my mind. When I wake up, it's there. When I go to sleep, it's there. Even in my dreams, it's there!
"Am I sitting right? Am I standing properly? Did I say something stupid? Oh no I shouldn't have told them my opinion, now they are going to think that I am a "now-it-all" and never going to talk to me again. She is probably thinking why I can allow myself to eat food because I'm so fat. He is probably wondering why a person can be as ugly as I am." and etc.
It's tiring. It's tiring to never be good enough. 

Photos from yesterday

Like I mentioned yesterday I brought my camera with me everywhere I went yesterday and took pictures of pretty much anything. I took about 200 photos hehe, only half a gigabite :P Here are some of them:

Some of my photographies

I've been interested in photography since forever. When I was little (2-7 years old) we had a little, red camera with a film and when I got to borrow it, nothing, and I really mean NOTHING could make me happier! When I was 8 years old I got my own digital camera as a christmaspresent. Those were the best christmases ever! I don't remember any present I've ever gotten that I've been as happy for. I'm always extremly happy and thankful for everything I get, but this camera topped everything!
2011, my mom bought a Canon 1100D and she didn't really get to use it much, since I was always using it :P But finally I got my own DSLR last year, Nikon d40x, and since then I've bought two lenses a good camerastand and a pro-bag.
Here are some photos I've snapped this summer :) 

Photography really saved my life! It's the only thing that has always been there, it makes me happy and distracts my destructive thoughts. Thank God for camera's!
I don't want to show faces here, so no facial pictures will be posted here, ever 
- M

Tired of being tired

I'm tired of being tired all the time. I'm tired of freezing. I'm tired of being in bad shape. I'm tired of being constipated. All I can do is wait. Wait for my body to start working again. I'm in worse shape than my grandma, and she has lungproblems.... that's how bad shape I'm in.

I went for a walk earlier today (NOTE: my first walk alone in weeks!!!! I'm proud!) I walked for about an hour and stopped regularly to take pictures. (I photograph a lot, a alot, a lot! ) I went to a park here nearby and photographed birds, nature, horses etc. On my way home my body was giving up. My feet were unbelievebly heavy, my eyes were about to close and I almost fainted. BUT my mind was set on finishing this walk. I was going to get myself home! I just had to! I got home, but it took a hell of a lot longer time than usual.... and now I'm about to fall a sleep, even though I slept for 11 hours last night. 

I'm tired of this. I wish it never went this way!

Here are some photos from today: