Day 25

What are your ‘fear foods’? I CHALLENGE you to eat one today. Dare you. Do it.

• pastry (cakes included)
• Full fat items
• Sugary items, full sugar items and sugar in general  
• Not diet or light sodas/squash
• Juice
• Fruits except frozen berries (stupid, I know...), especially the ones where 100 g have more than 100 kcals. 
• Ice cream
• Smoothie
• Bread things, especially if it's not whole wheat or whole grain bread
• Sweets, except milk and brown chocolate (not more than 100g through the day!), white chocolate is still a fear
• Oil and butter
• Sauces
• None diet hot chocolate
• Beef
• Minced meat
• Meats on bread
• Chocolate cereals and cereals with sugar like Frosties
• Cheese, but not cheese spread
• Pasta
• And some other stuff I can't think of right now.

This is a terribly long list, in fact this list shouldn't consist of any item! I'm terribly sorry if this triggers anyone of you! But you have to know that this is NOT healthy! This is NOT "cool" or "fabulous". Having fearfoods won't do you any good! It makes you miserable. Be afraid of some innocent food item takes away so much of you time. The worries, the fright and the isolation that comes with it consume your life. Be strong and challenge your eating disorder!

Day 23

Day 23 apparently got lost somewhere on the way, but better late than never right?

List 2 positive things that happened to you today
- I'm gonna tell you about Friday, because I think that this post was supposed to be published then (?) 

1. My mom didn't wake me up and stayed at home with me because I was nowhere near being in good enough shape to survive the day by myself after a major breakdown the evening before. 
2. We went Christmas shopping, bought some stuff to make our living room perfect, went to a cafe and I had a normal hot chocolate WITH full fat cream AND white chocolate sprinkles (!!!!!!!) and like that wasn't enough, I also had a glorious brownie WITH cream!!! My mom had almost the same, except she had a mocha instead of chocolate. It was completely spontaneous and a HUGE step for me. I didn't even regret it. 

I love my mum so much, don't know what I would do without her!

Day 20

 I feel eating disorders have somehow been glamorized. Explain your opinion on this.
You have probably seen those 'pro-ana', 'pro mia' or 'thinspo' pictures, IG accounts, Tumblr accounts and even facebook sites and blogs. It is horrible, disgusting and sad. It is sad that teenagers out there look at anorexics and think: "omg, her legs are perfect!" "I want a thighgap like that!" "I wish my ribcase was as visible as hers". It is so sad that I get tears in my eyes just by thinking about it. We who suffer don't wish for this illness. It is an ILLNESS, a mental ILLNESS, not a body shape or perfection. It is an illness! It comes with an unmeasurable amount of pain, suffering and sadness. I can't describe all the feelings that pass my head after meals. I suffer in silence for a whole day just by eating breakfast. I restrict sometimes, and I am NOT proud of it because all it does is destroy my body even more. Not giving your body the nutrients and amount of energy it needs to function on daily bases is NOT cool. It is sad. It is sad that you feel like you can't eat lunch because you'll get fat. That is such a bullshit! Your body NEEDS food, it NEEDS energy, it NEEDS nutrients. So eat that god damn brownie or sandwich or cupcake or what ever you want because your body NEEDS it! Screw the 'thigh gap' because it doesn't exist. It is something we humans have made up thinking that it is the sign of a healthy, fit, beautiful body. But you know what? It is so NOT healthy. Unless it is natural for your body to have the 'thigh gap', but that is not something anyone should be working towards if it isn't normal for their body. Every body has its own healthy weight, a wheight where it your body is happy, healthy, functions properly and it is natural for it to stay at. No one will gain forever (unless you eat 5000+ kcal a day). If you eat properly and healthy, you will gain till you are at a healthy weight. That's how the human body works. It tries it's best to stay healthy. So simple is that. 

Day 19

Has your eating disorder ever held you back from something? If so, explain.

It has held me back from so many things.. There have been people gatherings that I haven't been able to go to because I was so afraid of the food and what people think of me. I've missed out in school because I had to stay home to focus on recovery (I was about to relapse). It has held me back on doing things I like and love like having girl nights out, sleepovers, go out to eat, eat my favourite ice cream and simply enjoy life. Now it's my time to get that back.

Day 18

Here’s a challenge. Come up with a hobby you’ve never done or haven’t done in a while that has NOTHING to do with eating or exercising or cooking. Totally non eating disorder related. What is your hobby? Why did you choose it?

Horse-riding. I didn’t choose it because of the exercise, and I’ve never ridden with the thought of “exercise” in my head, but because when I’m riding I feel completely free, ED and mental illness free, and I LOVE it! 

Have you ever seen such a beautiful horse as this one? Nope, that's what I thought. I am a proud owner of this stallion and he's just perfect! The man in the first photo is my grandpa btw :) 

Day 17

 What does being fat TRULY mean to you?

Being fat doesn’t really mean anything special to me. I don’t want to get fat and Ana keeps telling me that I can’t continue being this way aka. fat. Ana tells me that being fat is disgusting, depressing and the root to all my problems. But that is so far away from the truth as possible. I know that, but believing it is the hard part…

Day 16

How would you help a close friend or family member if they developed an eating disorder?

 I have a close friend dealing with an ED and I try to be there for her as much as I can. I reassure her constantly that she is more than good enough, that her body needs fuel, and that there is more in this world than calories, food and over-exercise. I can’t fight her battles for her, but I can be a true friend and be there for her as much as I can. 

Day 15

Post a picture of you before you ever developed an eating disorder. What emotions were you feeling in this picture? Describe your picture.

I didn't know what picture I should choose because I don't know exactly when it all started. I mean, I stopped bringing lunch to school in second/third grade, so yeah, you see my problem?

But here's the photo I chose:

This is me and my little brother during the summer of 2009. I wasn't completely ED free there and I remember that on our zoo trip that summer that I didn't want anything from a café there or a free gingerbread cookie they were giving away in a little train that went through some part of the park. BUT if I was hungry, I ate. Or well, most of the time. I didn't know I had a problem during that time, and first now am I "discovering" that I've dealt with an ED for a loooong time now. 

What I am feeling in this picture? I was really insecure since mom was taking a full body photo, but I never even liked those when I was younger so may not be ED related (?) But I was happy. and yeah a bid of a true teenage girl, as you can see by my pose haha! I mean, common, I had JUST finished 7th grade and was like totally grown-up! ;)

Day 14

How do your friends and family feel about your eating disorder?

 They are really supportive and understanding. My family is really put down by it and worry about me, especially my grandma, but it only shows how much I mean to them and that again motivates me to get better because they deserve so much more. 

Day 13

Do you believe you can ever fully recover from an eating disorder? Explain.

 I want to believe that I can. At the moment, it feels like it will always be a part of me, like an arm or a leg, something that I won’t be able to get rid of. But I like being positive and thinking that the road ahead will eventually be completely ED-free. The thought of being in this hell for the rest of my life terrifies me. And if it will be that way, then so be it. I don't have to think about that now, when all I can do is be positive.

Day 12

Post 1 thing you've aten today

This was my lunch. Two toasts. One with butter (!), ham(!), cheese (!) and cucumberslices. The other one with Prime (Norwegian spread that is made of milkproducts) and my daily glass of milk on the side :)
Fearfood Friday? huh, nope, not for me. For me, everyday is a fearfood day!

-M

P.S. this is my Instagram account if you are interested (hint, hint ;) )

Day 11

List 10 PHYSICAL features you like about yourself.

 Omg, this is so hard! I don’t really like anything about myself at the moment, I dislike almost everything and I don’t like looking at my body because it triggers me because it’s “too fat and disgusting”. That is at least what the demon on my shoulder keeps telling me. I don’t think this list is going to be long but here it goes:

1. I have a birthmark right besides my left eye that I actually like

2. I have a light birthmark below my right eye that I like. I and birthmarks have a weirdly good relationship.

3. My ears, weirdly enough, but I like them :P I guess that’s because they are similar to my grandma’s ears.

4. My eye-color, it’s light blue, just like my grandma’s

5. I like my hair, even though it’s really thin and keeps falling out. I like how long it has gotten J 

6. I think that’s it. Because I don’t want to trigger anyone I won’t mention the anorexic things I like about my body. 

Day 10

Does anyone in your close family have an eating disorder? If so, do you think it had an impact on you developing one?

 Yes, my fathers mother has Anorexia as well. And yes I think that had a huge impact on me, especially because when she was at her sickest she kept reminding me that thin was better and when I started losing weight in 5^th grade, she gave me a huge compliment and told me that I had been fat and stuff… But she has helped me a lot and this summer she said that we should fight together and the first one to get to 65 kg would get a price hehe. But I don’t know how that is going since she doesn’t really contact me when I’m not visiting her.

Day 9

 Create a list of all the negative things your eating disorder has given you.

·         Constipation

·         Worse sight and a lazy eye

·         Worse hearing

·         Thin hair

·         Dry skin

·         Lactose intolerance (gotten better)

·         Gluten intolerance (gotten better)

·         Joint pain

·         Chest pain

·         A lot of anxiety against food

·         People are actually scared of talking to me and look and stare a lot

·         Bad concentration

·         Paranoia over small things that don’t really matter

·         I’m too addicted to routines.

·         Exercise addiction

·         Extreme fear of nutrition and water consumption

And I keep counting for a long long time!

Day 8

Create a list of all the positive things your eating disorder has given you. (This day should be short)

·         I’ve gotten to know myself a lot better and I’m A LOT stronger than before.

·         I’ve lost weight hehe (but not in a good healthy way)

·         I’ve gotten to know so many fantastic people both while inpatient and through the Internet.

·         Me and my mom have gotten a way better relationship. It was good before, but now nothing can top it!

·         I’ve seen how many people actually care about me J

·         It has made me feel like I have control in my life (when in fact I don’t have any control at all)

Way too long list….  I can actually come up with more positives, but I won’t because there is something negative with everything I list as "positive"

Day 7

 Sorry for continuing this 30days challenge so late hehe, buuut I will finish it sometime ;) 

Do you think the media contributes to the growing rate of girls developing eating disorders younger and younger?

Well, everything has its consequences and effects on PEOPLE (not only girls, but boys as well) that are sensitive for developing an ED and yes, I have to say that media contributes to the growing rates. They put the standards for “good enough” higher and higher. It’s always: “you’ll be prettier, better, hotter and etc, if you use this and that and these products.” Why can’t we just be enough, just the way we are? 

Day 4

What are factors that contributed in your choice to recover?

I hated seeing my greatgrandma and grandpa cry and pray for me. I don't want them to worrie about me, and the only way to do that is to get better. They love me and they will always care. I didn't want to hurt them by pushing them away like everybody else; believe me, sick me tried to...and I'm so not proud of that!

My grandma was so worried and cried while begging me to get better. That had a HUGE impact on me. She's my favorite person in the whole world and I love her soooooo much! She loves me more than anything, and saying no to her when she definitely was dying of worries, felt cruel. She was so worried of losing me. She had already lost me into the disorder, and was terrified of losing me completely. 

I want to recover for them. My grandma, great grandma and great grandpa do not deserve this.

I recover for the people around me, but first of all do I recover for myself.

Day 3

List 10 NON physical things you like about you.

This is going to be hard...

1. I'm caring

2. I'm smart, not as smart as I was before Ana, but I'm still smarter than average.

3. I'm usually on time and I HATE being late.

4. I'm kind of a Pollyanna, I get it from my greatgrandma.

5. I always put others feelings before mine (that is sometimes negative...)

6. I love my family more than anything in this world. They are the reason why I'm still here and struggling through recovery.

7. I can't lie, it is literally impossible for me. Well sick me lied more than telling the truth, but it always ended with me telling the truth because I couldn't bare the guilt (there is when me, real me, came to senses)

8. I love animals, they've helped me through some really tough times. Just having someone to cuddle with, talk to and care for really helps.

9. I can't sleep much (if I'm not really depressed). I like it because that way I won't miss out of great days.

10. I actually like a bit of my disorders, they've shaped me to the person I've turned out to be AND they've made me into one hell of a warrior. :)

I'm not used to counting up things I like about myself, my thoughts usually go the other way. But I did it!

P.s. follow me on IG (margrets_recovery)

Day 1

Ok….. this is going to be tough. I don’t even know if I want to, it’s too embarrassing and the number is way too high…… but I guess to challenge myself and my ED, I have to… ok, here it goes: I’m 176 cm (5”9) and 63 kg (138 lbs). I am struggling with Anorexia and I have struggled with it since 2009, with periods of EDNOS with anorexic tendencies.  I’ve been in recovery for 2 and ½ months now.

30 day eatingdisorder recovery challenge

I am going to begin on this 30 day ED-recovery challenge and see how that goes. I'm not feeling particularly good and recovery isn't going as well as I would like it to be. Hopefully this will help me :) 

1. List your stats (height/weight). What eating disorder are/have you struggled with?

2. What does recovery mean to YOU?

3. List 10 NON physical things you like about yourself.

4. What are factors that contributed in your choice to recover? 

5. What actions do you believe could be taken in the future to help prevent your child(ren) or close friends from ever developing an eating disorder?

6. What was your favorite meal before your ED? What is your favorite meal now?

7. Do you think the media contributes to the growing rate of girls developing eating disorders younger and younger?

8. Create a list of all the positive things your eating disorder has given you. (This day should be short haha.)

9. Create a list of all the negative things your eating disorder has given you.

10. Does anyone in your close family have an eating disorder? If so, do you think it had an impact on you developing one?

11. List 10 PHYSICAL features you like about yourself.

12. Post a picture of 1 thing you ate today. 

13. Do you believe you can ever fully recover from an eating disorder? Explain.

14. How do your friends and family feel about your eating disorder?

15. Post a picture of you before you ever developed an eating disorder. What emotions were you feeling in this picture? Describe your picture.

16. How would you help a close friend or family member if they developed an eating disorder?

17. What does being fat TRULY mean to you?

18. Here’s a challenge. Come up with a hobby you’ve never done or haven’t done in awhile that has NOTHING to do with eating or exercising or cooking. Totally non eating disorder related. What is your hobby? Why did you chose it?

19. Has your eating disorder ever held you back from something? If so, explain.

20. I feel eating disorders have somehow been glamorized. Explain your opinion on this.

21. Who has been the biggest contributor of your recovery in your life? Explain.

22. Describe your goals for your future. 

23. List 2 positive things that happened to you today.

24. Where were you in terms of your eating disorder 6 months ago? Describe how you’ve changed.

25. What are your ‘fear foods’? I CHALLENGE you to eat one today. Dare you. Do it.

26. Eating disorders often come hand in hand with social anxiety and or depression. Start 1 conversation today with someone you don’t normally speak to. How did it go?

27. Create a letter of everything you would write to your eating disorder as if it were a real life person.

28. What do you need to improve on in order to advance mentally and or physically towards recovery? Explain how you plan on actually moving forward with these goals!

29. Challenge yourself again in some way today. Whether it be being more social, eating more, eating another fear food, etc. Explain.

30. List your stats again. Did this help you at all?