What's going through my mind right now

Could be triggering

I don‘t know what to say. I don‘t know what I want. I do not accept it, not right now. I don‘t want to. I'm too fat to have Anorexia. But I know. I know what‘s happening. I know what‘s wrong, but I don‘t accept it.  This isn't happening to me, it can‘t, I'm too fat.  I‘m not struggling. I am fine. I‘m managing.

I just want to reach my goal. A specific number. I will reach it. I have to. I‘ve destroyed too much of my process to “perfection“ . I will be able to stop when I‘ve reached my goal. I promise. Just let me reach it and then I can get better. Only 5 more kg. Then I can stop. Or, no, 10 kg.  10 kg and I’m happy.

I’m so irritated and mad. Irritated and mad at myself.  I didn’t want to go to the hospital. I didn’t want to be admitted. My family and doctors forced me to. I know it is to help me get better, and I’m glad for everything everyone has done for me during this process.  But I’m not sure I want to get better. Only few more kg and I can get better, if it involves not gaining weight.
If I gain weight (which I haven’t), I’ll freak out. I weigh myself at least 5 times a day and that’s only a minimum.  I have to see if I can allow myself to eat or not, but I end up eating either way because I’m forced to.  

I get fatter and fatter by every bite I swallow and that’s pathetic. I’m pathetic.  Pathetic because I eat and pathetic because of this voice that takes over. Everything about this is pathetic.

Calories, calories, calories. I’m being eaten up inside and out of the thought of them.

But I’m trying to fight those thoughts. I listen to everything people tell me, but it’s hard to believe those unbelievable sweet things they're saying to me because the voice saying the exact opposite , over powers them. 

I have so many wrong beliefs and misunderstands when it comes to food and nutrition... all on purpose. I can’t sort the logic thoughts from the sick ones. They take over all logic and what’s left is a mindset of thoughts that I fail at controlling. Thoughts that are negative all the way. Destructive and overwhelming thoughts.
I try to turn them around. I fight them as hard as I can, there is if I discover them or get reminded of how wrong they are.

I actually get more and more closed up each passing day. I feel that everyone is trying to make me fat. I’m eating and I feel fatter and look fatter. Even though the scale doesn't show a difference, I can see it in the mirror.

I know that almost every thought that’s written here is wrong. I do know. But I’m stuck in this confusing set of thoughts. I’m tired. So very tired of this disorder which I swing between accepting and not accepting. I wish it hadn't gotten to this point. I wish I had turned around when I had the chance. When it was easier. It was a unintentional decision that I wish I hadn't made.

- 

         -M 

(Pictures from Weheartit.com)

Be careful what you wish for

Well, with this blog I want people to get to know how it is to battle an eating disorder.
Many teenage girls these days wish they had an eating disorder, especially Anorexia, and that's so wrong! Just because they want to be thin, they are ready to set their life in danger. They look at pictures of anorexics and admire them because they´ve got thigh-gap and collarbones. They don't know what the consequences are, and that's why I'm starting this blog. So some of them can read about the consequences from someone that has been there. Experienced it. And not just some psychologist that counts up the symptoms.

Teenage girls and boys (and adults), simply don't know what they're getting themselves into because the society has gone crazy of appearance-obsession. It's ridiculous!
This is living hell, and I wish that it didn't turn out this way for me.
I want to be able to save someone out there from this nightmare, because no one deserves to go through this living hell.

Being hospitalized 4 times in 4 months is not fun. Being forced to eat and drink is not something you want. The loss of independence and control is embarrassing. And most of all, battling you own thoughts every minute of everyday is the hardest thing you'll ever have to do! 

So do NOT begin restricting, count calories, weigh yourself everyday or even worry about your weight, because, honey, it takes a hell of a lot of energy, strength, time and work to fight back when the Demon (ED) has taken over your life. It's a 1000x harder to get back up, than it was falling down. 

You are beautiful! Everyone is beautiful in their own way! Inside and out! Don't EVER forget that! 

 - M

A little bit about me

A little bit about me:

I'm a 17 year old girl battling Anorexia Nervosa.
I´ve had an eating disorder since I was 14 years old, and first now I'm getting a proper treatment. 

I wish I had never gone down this road. I wish I could enjoy a chocolate cake or sweets once in a while, but the destructive thoughts are unbearable afterwards. You DO NOT want to experience those thoughts! Trust me, they´re hell! 

I´m working myself towards a full recovery. It´s a long process, and I think it will be interesting to follow it. If not for some people out there, then for myself to look back to. I hope this blog will help me through hard days and relapses.

Peace out!

- M