Why continue?

Why exactly am I doing this? Why am I pushing myself so hard everyday when I can just lay around and show my middle finger to the rest of the world? When I can experience my dream, my dream weight and dream life. Why don't I just give up on this eating, eating, eating, when that's all I want to do at times?

I have an answer for that.

Today was a shitty day, well the days before that were that also, but today was even worse. It has come to that point that I don't cry anymore. When I get sad, I get so extremely sad that all I do is stare into an empty wall and completely fade out. At that moment I ain't myself, I ain't anyone. I've disappeared, mentally, but physically I'm still there. I haven't cried in a long long time, or well, since July this year when I was inpatient and my mom came to visit me after we've been 6 weeks apart. Today that changed.

You should probably know some background details:
My dad doesn't understand how routines around mealtimes are for me to be able to fight this demon. He has been staying with us since Monday and I've dropped many meals since then, eaten less than 1000 kcal in one day when I'm really supposed to have 2500. And yes, I'm in a relapse.

Back to why my period of no crying took an end today:
I felt really guilty, miserable and ashamed both because I hadn't eaten and because I'm having a really bad body-image day today and I knew I had to eat but I didn't want to. I didn't know what to do, so I decided to call my ultimate favourite person in the whole world: my grandma. I needed to ventile to someone I knew would support me, incourage me and make me feel a lot better. Also I hadn't talked to her in a while and I really missed her.
At the exact moment I heard her voice, I felt the "crying feeling". The feeling of your throat closing up, your eyes getting wet and actually a feeling of relief by finally getting it all out.  It felt SO good! She always makes me feel better, no matter what. She has always been there for me and she is my rolemodel.
She incouraged me to get up and make me dinner (even though it was 21:30) and told me how great and strong I am. I love her.

She is the one that got me into recovery. She cried while begging me to get better. She was terrified of losing me and she had already lost me into the disorder. Seeing her crying because of me made me want to try recovery just for her, because she deserves so much better. So much better than having a grandchild wich worries her that much.
If I would give up on recovery now, I won't be disappointing her. I would be disappointing myself. I would make my grandma even more worried than she already is, and that would literally kill me. I can't do that to her.
That is why I will do my ultimate best to recover. For my grandma because she deserves so much more.

-M ♥

*Foodgasm*

I haven't been as hungry as I've been today in a looooong time! It almost scares me how hungry I am haha. But I know that my body is craving the energy it needs, and face it, it haven't been getting much of it lately, due to my latest relapse, WHICH I'm almost over now! :-D

I hate relapses, but I love food! It's devilish how fantastic food can be, both in appearances and in taste! The pictures speak for themselves.

*Foodgasm* Here's what I ate for dinner, not nearly as fancy as those pictures, but it was tasty though!

Spaghetti with Swedish-meatball sauce

I look forward to winter!

I'm freeeeeeeezing! Autumn is definetely here in Norway now. I like the autumn and I LOVE the winter, but when the houses are made of wood and are poorly isolated, it's not as much fun. I like to sleep in a warm bed and not wake up with a cold, but I guess that's not an option hehe. The radiators take a lot of electrizity, so we try as much as we can to not use them. But of course if it's too cold, we turn them on.

I can't wait till the snow is here. It makes everything so pretty and bright. It covers all the uglyness, the dead grass, the trash on the streets and etc. It makes the world look so beautiful.

The holidays make everyone in such a good mood, filled with excitement and niceness. That makes the holiday so much easier for people like me, the people who are depressed during christmas time. Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with my family and cuddle up in a blanket to watch a christmas movie which usually ends ridicoulsy beautifully, watching the snow falling outside the window and etc. But the food and too much sosialisation make me irritated and depressed, and probably because of former experiences arround christmas which I won't go further into.
But I look forward to it. It makes me happy and relaxed to see the pople I love be happy. It doesn't matter to me how I'm feeling, since I'm used to feeling this way.

My favourite quotes from Looking for Alaska

"The only way out of the labyrinth of suffering is to forgive."

"I may die young, but at least I'll die smart."

"At some point you just pull of the Band-Aid and it hurts, but then it's over and you're relieved"

"And then something invisible snapped inside her, and that wich had come together commenced to fall apart"
 a.k.a. my life

"That is the fear: I have lost something important and I cannot find it, and I need it. It's fear like if someone lost his glasses and went to the glasses store and they told him that the  world has run out of glasses and he would just have to do without."

"We need never be hopeless because we can never be irreperably broken."

"Scared isn't a good enough excuse. Scared is the excuse everyone has always used."

"When you stop wishing things wouldn't fall apart, you stop suffering when they do."
When I think of it, this one is so true! I really need to follow this quote more often.

"There are always answeres. We just have to be smart enough to find them."

"I go to seek a great perhaps"

And at last but not least, my favourite quote of all time
"Everything that comes together falls apart. Everything. The chair I'm sitting on. It was built, and so it will fall apart. I'm gonna fall apart, probably before this chair. And you're gonna fall apart. The cells and organs and systems that make you you - they came together, and so must fall apart. The Buddah knew one thing science didn't prove for millennia after his death: Entropy increases. Things fall apart."

- John Green, Looking for Alaska

Stay strong little warrior. Better days lie ahead!

Since it's suicide prevention day today, 10th of September, I just want to tell you that you're beautiful and I believe in you! You can do this! You are stronger than you think and I love you! Hugs and kisses are on their way to you in the mail! ♥

I love you, no matter who you are, and I care!