Update

I haven't blogged in a while since, well, to say it mildly: I was being eaten up by the universe, as you probably noticed by the last post. I'm doing better now though, and it has been that way for the past 2-3 days. But atm I feel like I am slowly drowning again.
School is taking every small amount of energy and motivation to get better away from me. I'm at breaking point and getting a nervous breakdown (again!) isn't unlikely atm. But I hold on to positivity as hard as I can. I know I can't get away from the dailylife and that's not what I want either. I just want to get better :)

I had a biology test earlier today that went fantastic! I have way too high standards for myself, so the last days have been biology reading, biology reading and some more biology reading. Eucaryote cells is actually not as bad as I thought it would be, but it's A LOT of memorizing!

I will try to write posts more often, but I have a lot of tests, essays and crap to do, but I will do my best :)

Btw, what do you want me to blog more about? eg. food updates, more daily life, articles, inspiration etc?

-M

Challenges challenges challenges

There are challenges around every corner. I challenge myself every single minute of every single day. I never thought I would make it this far, but I have. The time passes unbelievably fast and at times I can't follow it. I just kind of float with the stream. At school, I am "just kind of there". Waiting for the time to pass so I can go home and be alone. My Ana doesn't think I deserve having friends. She is upset, she's furious. I am eating as normally as I can and I do my best to do exactly the opposite of what she says, but I end up every single evening with a panic attack. My heart beating at 300 mph and it hurts. An aching pain swirling around in my chest, killing every little bit of hope that's left.

But the next day, when I wake up, I'm fully motivated (or at least nearly) and I kick my ass out of bed to eat breakfast. It's easier when I have enough time, no stress, and can enjoy the moment of actually completing something I never thought I would be able to do. I don't want to isolate myself, and I promise I won't, but it sure seems the best solution from time to time.

I'm hanging in there and doing the best I can, but it's hard to eat when you're not hungry... I don't get hungry anymore. I just feel dizzy and weird because of lack of energy, that reminds me to eat. Sometimes 10 times passes until I actually remember to eat. That happens especially when I'm at school...
I'm working on it though.

My weight bounces up and down, up and down, up and down. It's not stable and I guess that's partly waterweight and partly restriction at school 's fault. A.k.a. my fault.
It's all my fault, I know that. I was the one who got myself to this point, and I know am the only one who is able to get me back up from there, so I'm doing my best!
-M

Never good enough

It feels like no matter what I do, I do it wrong. I always fuck things up, ruin everything; most of all, my recovery. Thanks to my socially awkwardness and insecurity.
I try and I try and I try, but I never succeed. I keep reminding myself that if I do my best, I am succeeding. Even though I don't reach my goals, if I do my best that is, or at least should be, enough. But it is hard to remember that at all times.
I have to remember that no matter what I do, there is always going to be someone that is not pleased. I have to get better at doing what makes ME feel good. What I want, not only what others want me to do, but what I want to do!

I'm too obsessed with what others think of me. It takes way too much time of my everyday life, literally 24/7. It is constantly on my mind. When I wake up, it's there. When I go to sleep, it's there. Even in my dreams, it's there!
"Am I sitting right? Am I standing properly? Did I say something stupid? Oh no I shouldn't have told them my opinion, now they are going to think that I am a "now-it-all" and never going to talk to me again. She is probably thinking why I can allow myself to eat food because I'm so fat. He is probably wondering why a person can be as ugly as I am." and etc.
It's tiring. It's tiring to never be good enough. 

When a mental disorder takes over your life

When a mental disorder takes over your life, you just simply got to fight to get it back, because eventually it will take your life away. Maybe in the moment you are depressed that sounds pretty great. The thought of something taking your life away seems relieving. But in the moment you are NOT depressed, you can´t think of not being alive. Depression is like most other mental disorders, a disorder which you can recover from.  If you try hard enough, you will recover and learn to love life again. And when you’re recovered you will be thankful for being alive, I can promise you that.

When I was at my worst, I had pre-heart attack symptoms. I had chest pains and felt like there was a ton lying on my chest. I had constant back pain in my upper back, toothache and pain in my left arm, which are all known as pre-heart attack symptoms. I got help in time. Thankfully! I can‘t believe if I had gotten a heart attack, only 17 years old! 17 year old and a heart attack don‘t simply fit with each other.

An eating disorder CAN take your life away. No, you are not allowed to think that „nope, that won‘t happen to me, I‘m not sick enough“ because that´s bullshit. If you don‘t fight back, it WILL take your life away! And once it does, you can‘t get it back because, well, you´re dead. Everyone has their own struggles and have to fight through the day. If you want to live, you have got to fight twice as hard as them, because here we are talking about life or death.

 If you restrict, you can lose your life, even though you are categorized as “normal weighted”. If your body lacks nutrients and food in general over a long time, you can get serious complications which can lead to a tragic death. Reports of the 1981 hunger strike by political prisoners against the British presence in Northeast Ireland indicate that 10 individuals died after periods of between 46 and 73 days without food. Think! 46-73 days, that’s a pretty short time! You won’t survive much longer than that, and chances are that you won’t even survive that long!

My mom told me about a woman who worked out at her gym. She was there 24/7, usually on the skiing machine or the treadmill. She was thin, but not as thin as the pictures that come up on Google when you search for Anorexia (apropos, very few people who suffer from anorexia look that way). Nobody was fascinated or admired her of her stamina for running for hours. They looked at her and thought “poor lady”. Eventually they had to ban her from the gym. She was forced into several treatments, but once she was “better”, she came to the gym and was back to where she began, running or skiing for hours. Few months later, she died. She wasn't as thin as the anorexia pictures on the internet, but her body couldn't bare the restriction and over exercise any more. It gave up.  

That could be you. Think about it. Is this disorder gonna win, or are YOU going to win this fight? I bet on you.

Being sick is NOT a good sparetime activity!

I've got time off of school this whole week, and of course I had to catch a cold. It's so typical! Like it wasn't enough having digestion problems...
But well I have to make the best out of it, so I made a cup of tea. My favourite: Mango & passionfruit ♥
I also put on som music, and now I'm just relaxing, going through some blogs and of course: drinking tea :) 

I'm a bit afraid of getting triggered now since I don't have an appetite, at all. Oh well, not a bit, but A LOT afraid!   And since I'm kind of triggered before, this won't make it any better. I guess I just have to pick myself up and keep fighting. Not much else to do in this situation.

- M ♥

Some of my photographies

I've been interested in photography since forever. When I was little (2-7 years old) we had a little, red camera with a film and when I got to borrow it, nothing, and I really mean NOTHING could make me happier! When I was 8 years old I got my own digital camera as a christmaspresent. Those were the best christmases ever! I don't remember any present I've ever gotten that I've been as happy for. I'm always extremly happy and thankful for everything I get, but this camera topped everything!
2011, my mom bought a Canon 1100D and she didn't really get to use it much, since I was always using it :P But finally I got my own DSLR last year, Nikon d40x, and since then I've bought two lenses a good camerastand and a pro-bag.
Here are some photos I've snapped this summer :) 

Photography really saved my life! It's the only thing that has always been there, it makes me happy and distracts my destructive thoughts. Thank God for camera's!
I don't want to show faces here, so no facial pictures will be posted here, ever 
- M

Tired of being tired

I'm tired of being tired all the time. I'm tired of freezing. I'm tired of being in bad shape. I'm tired of being constipated. All I can do is wait. Wait for my body to start working again. I'm in worse shape than my grandma, and she has lungproblems.... that's how bad shape I'm in.

I went for a walk earlier today (NOTE: my first walk alone in weeks!!!! I'm proud!) I walked for about an hour and stopped regularly to take pictures. (I photograph a lot, a alot, a lot! ) I went to a park here nearby and photographed birds, nature, horses etc. On my way home my body was giving up. My feet were unbelievebly heavy, my eyes were about to close and I almost fainted. BUT my mind was set on finishing this walk. I was going to get myself home! I just had to! I got home, but it took a hell of a lot longer time than usual.... and now I'm about to fall a sleep, even though I slept for 11 hours last night. 

I'm tired of this. I wish it never went this way!

Here are some photos from today: