Where am I?

I’m lost. I don’t know where I am. Am I here? Am I there? Am I anywhere?

I eat; my body is back to where it wants to be. Trying to kill me. Thought that aren’t mine, thoughts that control me and want to take over.

Today I’ve laid the sofa, under a blanket and surfed the internet on my phone, as well as watched TV. And oh yes, I’ve survived.
I try to do something, but it ends with a head banging the wall and sore cheekbones. I use all my energy to not do something stupid, so much energy that I am exhausted. The thoughts have been on full blast. “You know that medicine cabinet over there? You know you can break the lock and get those pills? Do it!” “Go take a shower, an iiiiiiice cold shower. It will hurt, but it doesn’t help to scream or cry, you will stay in there. Ice cold water! You should freeze to death” “Bang your head in the wall, then you get a break from us. You know it works, you made it up yourself.” “Screw what others say, they don’t know what they’re talking about. You are best off with us.”

I am trapped. I am trapped in a cage and scream for help. I cry. I scream. I am scared to death. But they don’t let me come forward. I use all my forces to seek help, to tell how I’m being manipulated, how I am an object for the thoughts. I am exhausted. But sometimes! Sometimes it gets quiet. Sometimes I get to breathe. I enjoy those moments and laugh a real laugh, smile a real smile. Little do I know that soon after I will be hunted down and imprisoned all over again