Never good enough

It feels like no matter what I do, I do it wrong. I always fuck things up, ruin everything; most of all, my recovery. Thanks to my socially awkwardness and insecurity.
I try and I try and I try, but I never succeed. I keep reminding myself that if I do my best, I am succeeding. Even though I don't reach my goals, if I do my best that is, or at least should be, enough. But it is hard to remember that at all times.
I have to remember that no matter what I do, there is always going to be someone that is not pleased. I have to get better at doing what makes ME feel good. What I want, not only what others want me to do, but what I want to do!

I'm too obsessed with what others think of me. It takes way too much time of my everyday life, literally 24/7. It is constantly on my mind. When I wake up, it's there. When I go to sleep, it's there. Even in my dreams, it's there!
"Am I sitting right? Am I standing properly? Did I say something stupid? Oh no I shouldn't have told them my opinion, now they are going to think that I am a "now-it-all" and never going to talk to me again. She is probably thinking why I can allow myself to eat food because I'm so fat. He is probably wondering why a person can be as ugly as I am." and etc.
It's tiring. It's tiring to never be good enough. 

Anxious

I'm terribly anxious, don't know why though. I just have this extreme tension in my body, my shoulders and neck are stiff and I can feel that my shoulders are way too near my ears. Not good, not good at all.
I'm tired of when it starts going well, Ana kicks in powerfully. I'm exhausted after today (and it's only noon!) And by that I mean mentally. I just want to lay down with a cup of my favorite tea and a good book. Not talk to anyone. Just me, myself and I.
Hope you're doing better than I am!

*Foodgasm*

I haven't been as hungry as I've been today in a looooong time! It almost scares me how hungry I am haha. But I know that my body is craving the energy it needs, and face it, it haven't been getting much of it lately, due to my latest relapse, WHICH I'm almost over now! :-D

I hate relapses, but I love food! It's devilish how fantastic food can be, both in appearances and in taste! The pictures speak for themselves.

*Foodgasm* Here's what I ate for dinner, not nearly as fancy as those pictures, but it was tasty though!

Spaghetti with Swedish-meatball sauce

When a mental disorder takes over your life

When a mental disorder takes over your life, you just simply got to fight to get it back, because eventually it will take your life away. Maybe in the moment you are depressed that sounds pretty great. The thought of something taking your life away seems relieving. But in the moment you are NOT depressed, you can´t think of not being alive. Depression is like most other mental disorders, a disorder which you can recover from.  If you try hard enough, you will recover and learn to love life again. And when you’re recovered you will be thankful for being alive, I can promise you that.

When I was at my worst, I had pre-heart attack symptoms. I had chest pains and felt like there was a ton lying on my chest. I had constant back pain in my upper back, toothache and pain in my left arm, which are all known as pre-heart attack symptoms. I got help in time. Thankfully! I can‘t believe if I had gotten a heart attack, only 17 years old! 17 year old and a heart attack don‘t simply fit with each other.

An eating disorder CAN take your life away. No, you are not allowed to think that „nope, that won‘t happen to me, I‘m not sick enough“ because that´s bullshit. If you don‘t fight back, it WILL take your life away! And once it does, you can‘t get it back because, well, you´re dead. Everyone has their own struggles and have to fight through the day. If you want to live, you have got to fight twice as hard as them, because here we are talking about life or death.

 If you restrict, you can lose your life, even though you are categorized as “normal weighted”. If your body lacks nutrients and food in general over a long time, you can get serious complications which can lead to a tragic death. Reports of the 1981 hunger strike by political prisoners against the British presence in Northeast Ireland indicate that 10 individuals died after periods of between 46 and 73 days without food. Think! 46-73 days, that’s a pretty short time! You won’t survive much longer than that, and chances are that you won’t even survive that long!

My mom told me about a woman who worked out at her gym. She was there 24/7, usually on the skiing machine or the treadmill. She was thin, but not as thin as the pictures that come up on Google when you search for Anorexia (apropos, very few people who suffer from anorexia look that way). Nobody was fascinated or admired her of her stamina for running for hours. They looked at her and thought “poor lady”. Eventually they had to ban her from the gym. She was forced into several treatments, but once she was “better”, she came to the gym and was back to where she began, running or skiing for hours. Few months later, she died. She wasn't as thin as the anorexia pictures on the internet, but her body couldn't bare the restriction and over exercise any more. It gave up.  

That could be you. Think about it. Is this disorder gonna win, or are YOU going to win this fight? I bet on you.

Who am I?

I’m home from school today because I’m really fighting to stick to recovery these days. Everything in school triggers me, and I’m extremely triggered now and that’s not a good thing. I really want to get better, but being in school with all those people that judge me, look at me and talk about me while I’m really hurting really doesn’t make things any better. I know I can’t isolate myself, but now I really want to… I need time to think. Think about how I’m going to tackle this, to get to know myself outside my eating disorder and etc.

I’ve been feeling extremely empty recently. I can stare at an empty wall for hours if I didn’t have to do other things. I am completely absent. I don’t have any hobbies, except photography, I don’t have anything outside of school; I really don’t have anything anymore. My eating disorder took everything!

Before the summer vacation and during the summer I was in a hospital. During that time I was only a patient. A patient locked up and not connected to anything at all. And the time before that I wasn’t me at all, so who am I really?

The only thing I know about myself is that I’m a girl with diagnoses, more than one and more than two. I know I enjoy photography, but that’s all. It’s o sad and pathetic.

Right now I sit here in front of the laptop and I couldn’t feel emptier. I’m not sad, I’m not frustrated, I’m not happy, I’m not ok. I’m just here. Nothing really matters anymore. I’m neither me nor a patient anymore. I’m nothing.  I can feel the control slipping through my fingers. It disappears a little every day. I’m losing everything I’ve had for almost 4 years. I can’t remember what I had before that.

I’ve changed so much since before my ED, and I can’t expect myself to be the person I was back then again. In addition to that I only was 13 years old at that time, and no one I know is the same person at 17 years old as they were at 13. You get much more mature during that time. I know I’ve gotten more mature, but I’ve always been mature. So I don’t really know. My life has kind of always been around my ED.

Hehe I know, it’s a really depressing post, but hey, that’s how my life is atm.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not giving up on recovery! I’m trying to continue it, but it’s hard.

p.s. I haven't gotten into making the blog look good, I simply don't have the time or the energy. But I will get to it soon! 

Motivation

This disorder cuts pretty much everything out of your life. Your energy, your happiness, your health etc. It cuts pretty much all your abilities to enjoy life, your life. Your only chance of living. Your only chance to experience swimming with dolphins, watching the sunset from every corner of the world, learn to surf, scubadive in the Great Barrier reef, get married, go on a honeymoon, have children, do charity, make a career and leave a footprint after yourself here on earth. Either it is in form of descendants and in the heart of people you've met and you'll meet in the future, or in history. You can do whatever you want! you have all doors and windows open! Except if you drop out now. Then all chances of ever experiencing real happiness are thrown out the window, wich is closed afterwards. Starving yourself will lead to those chances disappearing. Yes, it will lead to death or so serious  medical complications that you won't be able to live your life.

Hold on, stay strong and all this kind of bullshit, because I believe in you and you CAN do this! 
-M

Reasons

I've been reading some articles about phases and how to succeed in recovery. After reading them I understand much more about my disorder. I might say that I "discover" it in a whole new way. I'm closer to accepting my problems, but still not quite there. I mean, I don't look like an anorexic person, not at all! But the disease is in my brain, where no one can see it. Not even me. That's what makes it so hard to accept. You can't go to a doctor, and just by one look he can give you a diagnosis. It isn't that easy. It's a looooooong process, which seems to never end.

Here is a really good article, which explains pretty much everything about restrictive eating disorders, but mainly focuses on recovery in general. There are really good tips and information about the different phases, causes, and how to get the best possible results of your recovery. Highly recommended! 

-M

What's going through my mind right now

Could be triggering

I don‘t know what to say. I don‘t know what I want. I do not accept it, not right now. I don‘t want to. I'm too fat to have Anorexia. But I know. I know what‘s happening. I know what‘s wrong, but I don‘t accept it.  This isn't happening to me, it can‘t, I'm too fat.  I‘m not struggling. I am fine. I‘m managing.

I just want to reach my goal. A specific number. I will reach it. I have to. I‘ve destroyed too much of my process to “perfection“ . I will be able to stop when I‘ve reached my goal. I promise. Just let me reach it and then I can get better. Only 5 more kg. Then I can stop. Or, no, 10 kg.  10 kg and I’m happy.

I’m so irritated and mad. Irritated and mad at myself.  I didn’t want to go to the hospital. I didn’t want to be admitted. My family and doctors forced me to. I know it is to help me get better, and I’m glad for everything everyone has done for me during this process.  But I’m not sure I want to get better. Only few more kg and I can get better, if it involves not gaining weight.
If I gain weight (which I haven’t), I’ll freak out. I weigh myself at least 5 times a day and that’s only a minimum.  I have to see if I can allow myself to eat or not, but I end up eating either way because I’m forced to.  

I get fatter and fatter by every bite I swallow and that’s pathetic. I’m pathetic.  Pathetic because I eat and pathetic because of this voice that takes over. Everything about this is pathetic.

Calories, calories, calories. I’m being eaten up inside and out of the thought of them.

But I’m trying to fight those thoughts. I listen to everything people tell me, but it’s hard to believe those unbelievable sweet things they're saying to me because the voice saying the exact opposite , over powers them. 

I have so many wrong beliefs and misunderstands when it comes to food and nutrition... all on purpose. I can’t sort the logic thoughts from the sick ones. They take over all logic and what’s left is a mindset of thoughts that I fail at controlling. Thoughts that are negative all the way. Destructive and overwhelming thoughts.
I try to turn them around. I fight them as hard as I can, there is if I discover them or get reminded of how wrong they are.

I actually get more and more closed up each passing day. I feel that everyone is trying to make me fat. I’m eating and I feel fatter and look fatter. Even though the scale doesn't show a difference, I can see it in the mirror.

I know that almost every thought that’s written here is wrong. I do know. But I’m stuck in this confusing set of thoughts. I’m tired. So very tired of this disorder which I swing between accepting and not accepting. I wish it hadn't gotten to this point. I wish I had turned around when I had the chance. When it was easier. It was a unintentional decision that I wish I hadn't made.

- 

         -M 

(Pictures from Weheartit.com)

Relapses

Reapses are the hardest part of recovery. I'm having a relapse now and I really can't see what all this fuss is about. I'm not sick. Not even a little bit...
That's my Ana talking, and I know I shouldn't listen to her. But it's hard. Really hard. Harder then anything I've ever done before.
I fight it everyday. The thoughts, the tendencies and the "voice" that's constantly saying something negative about me in my head. Especially when I'm eating and afterwards. It's Ana. Destructive, down breaking and disgusting voice that has taken over my life.
Because of her, I've become overly concious of my body, ridiculously insecure and over the top hard on myself.
I have to remind myself constantly of that during recovery, there will be relapses, but I can't give up. After a relapse, there's recovery. I just have to fight. And I'm not losing, even though I have relapses. I'm losing if I give up during relapses. And I'm not going to lose this war!
-M