My favourite quotes from Looking for Alaska

"The only way out of the labyrinth of suffering is to forgive."

"I may die young, but at least I'll die smart."

"At some point you just pull of the Band-Aid and it hurts, but then it's over and you're relieved"

"And then something invisible snapped inside her, and that wich had come together commenced to fall apart"
 a.k.a. my life

"That is the fear: I have lost something important and I cannot find it, and I need it. It's fear like if someone lost his glasses and went to the glasses store and they told him that the  world has run out of glasses and he would just have to do without."

"We need never be hopeless because we can never be irreperably broken."

"Scared isn't a good enough excuse. Scared is the excuse everyone has always used."

"When you stop wishing things wouldn't fall apart, you stop suffering when they do."
When I think of it, this one is so true! I really need to follow this quote more often.

"There are always answeres. We just have to be smart enough to find them."

"I go to seek a great perhaps"

And at last but not least, my favourite quote of all time
"Everything that comes together falls apart. Everything. The chair I'm sitting on. It was built, and so it will fall apart. I'm gonna fall apart, probably before this chair. And you're gonna fall apart. The cells and organs and systems that make you you - they came together, and so must fall apart. The Buddah knew one thing science didn't prove for millennia after his death: Entropy increases. Things fall apart."

- John Green, Looking for Alaska

Wide awake

I am wide awake and it’s almost midnight... That wouldn´t sound bad if I didn´t have to get up at 5:30 am to get ready for school. My bus leaves at 7 and I have to shower, eat breakfast and pack a lunch bag, and well to say it mildly: it takes time. Making and packing food for school is extremely hard for me, heh not weird considering I can’t even manage to eat it elsewhere than in the bathroom. Not good, I know :/ But I will work on that J

Of course when I can’t sleep, the internet decides to fail on me...  I’ve been trying to listen to Asleep by The Smiths for quite some time now, but it always stops. Extremely fun!

Why am I awake? I got a pretty good reason for that.
1. Maybe it is because I fell asleep for almost 3 hours after I came home from school today.
2. Maybe it’s because I had a major anxiety attack and I’m still kind of tense mentally and physically. 3. I’m anxious for tomorrow and all the challenges tomorrow will bring.
Or 4., a combination of all the options.
I go for the 4^th alternative.

My day tomorrow looks like this:
5:30 am wake up, shower, eat breakfast, pack lunch and get ready for school
7:00 am take the bus to school
8:00 am 3,5 hours math
11:30 am Eat lunch with my dear best friend
12:00 am/pm Take the bus to town
Somewhere between 13 and 15 I got a meeting with my psychologist. After that I’m going to go to the town’s library to read and look through books, and of course: get some great free internet since it sucks here at home ;)

I just finished reading Looking for Alaska by John Green, AND WHAT A BOOK!!! I’m literally in love! If you haven’t read it, you’ve have to read it. It’s one of those books almost everyone has to read! Of course if you don’t want to, you don’t have to. But I recommend you to read it. After reading it I can feel that something has changed within me. It’s weird. The way I look at the world is different then before. In the beginning of the book it’s just like any other youth literature, but the last part:  OMG!
How can one man write so nicely?! It’s like he isn’t a human, but a man that lives within every single one of us. He writes what everyone’s thinking, combines our thoughts and puts them in contrast with each other. He really makes you think while you read his books. You get to know yourself the more you read his literature. Before I read Looking for Alaska, I didn’t have a clue what my point in being alive was; I mean, why am I here? Why am I exactly me? And who am I? Where would I go if I wasn’t here? How had the world reacted to my loss if I had accomplished suicide some months ago?
After reading it I get it. I have a clue of who I am and why I am here. It’s like I found one of the missing puzzle pieces I´ve been looking for for so long. Now I just have to find the rest. 

Well, my song is fully loaded (FINALLY!)
Good night, sleep tight and don’t let the bed bugs bite! 

Story of an ED

You know those days when you don't want to get out of bed? The days you don't feel like interact with anyone and just want  be by yourself? The days you don't even see a point in existing and nothing goes your way? You're tired, so extremely tired. Tired of everything and everyone, especially yourself. You're disappointed, unhappy, depressed, sad and hopeless. You're trying to decide wether you should get out of bed or not. "Not" seems much more appealing, but you go for "get out of bed". You go for the challenging choice and you get out of bed, get dressed and if you're feeling extremely strong and powerful, you poor some low calorie cereal in a bowl and then drown it in low fat milk. You look at the clock, it's 5 to 7 am. You throw what's left of your breakfast in the trash because you wouldn't dare to finish those 50 grams. You grab your bag and run out the door, without a lunch pack, to catch the only bus that drives through your neighborhood this time of day. Technically, you didn't have to run. You only ran to burn the calories you just consumed. Filthy, disgusting calories. The guilt is killing you. Why were you so weak? why did you give up and eat? You run a little further, past your bus stop, and towards the next one couple hundred meters away. You check what time it is and see that you have enough time to run to yet another bus stop further away. When you arrive at the third stop you see the bus come driving towards you. You get on the bus, sit down and finally you can catch your breath. Your heart is beating like never before, your body is about to give up, but you are happier than ever before. Or at least you feel like you are, but the truth is: you're miserable. You know you shouldn't have run, you know you're supposed to be proud of yourself for eating breakfast, you know it all, but your head tells you otherwise. It tells you that you're strong for starving yourself, that you don't deserve food, that you look so much prettier if you don't eat, that a single calorie makes you fat and ugly. It even tells you that you're worthless. Your thoughts don't count anymore. You've lost all control. The control you once had, is comepletely gone. You know what you're doing to yourself, but you don't care. Why care when you're eitherway too fat and disgusting, this at least makes you thinner, but you're never thin enough. The last couple of months you've seen the number on the scale drop drastically, but it's never low enough. You're constantly finding new places to squeeze fat, or what you think is fat, but really is skin or a relaxed muscle. You don't care, if it's pinchable, it must go. Your hair is falling out and your skin appears gray. Your teeth and gum hurt. Your body is covered in bruises that you don't remember getting, they just appeared from nowhere. Every movement you make and every step you take hurts. Your muscles are sore and most of all: the spark you once had in your eyes, is completely gone.
Now it's just a matter of time when your heart stops beating and sends you away to a better place. A place where your troubles are nowhere to be seen. One day the beating stops and you're jumping from one cloud to another when you look down, all the way down to earth. You see your family. Your younger brother is crying. He's crying because he lost his only sister. His older sister, who was supposed to look after him, to be there for him, is now gone. Your mom is standing by his side. She's crying too. You have to look away. You can't bare to see your mom crying, even though you two never really got along. A tear slides down your chin. You see your dad coming towards your mom and put her arms around her. Your younger brother joins in and all three of them are now crying together. Your eyes are filled with tears and your cheeks are wet. You wish it didn't go this far. You wish you didn't let this disorder take your life away, that you tried to take control when you had the chance. You wish all this didn't happen. 


"Beep, beep, beep, beep", your alarm wakes you up. You look around yourself and you can't believe it, you're alive! You jump out of bed, get dressed, poor some normal cereal into a bowl and drown it in full fat milk. You pack your lunch, check what time it is and it is 5 to 7 am. It's time you go out the door to catch the only bus that drives through this neighbourhood this time of day. You take one step over the threshold and take a deep breath. The fresh air after a storm fills your lungs. You walk to your bus stop and wait for the bus. When the bus arrives, you get on it, sit down and think to yourself : "Today my life begins!"