Day 23

Day 23 apparently got lost somewhere on the way, but better late than never right?

List 2 positive things that happened to you today
- I'm gonna tell you about Friday, because I think that this post was supposed to be published then (?) 

1. My mom didn't wake me up and stayed at home with me because I was nowhere near being in good enough shape to survive the day by myself after a major breakdown the evening before. 
2. We went Christmas shopping, bought some stuff to make our living room perfect, went to a cafe and I had a normal hot chocolate WITH full fat cream AND white chocolate sprinkles (!!!!!!!) and like that wasn't enough, I also had a glorious brownie WITH cream!!! My mom had almost the same, except she had a mocha instead of chocolate. It was completely spontaneous and a HUGE step for me. I didn't even regret it. 

I love my mum so much, don't know what I would do without her!

Lost. Again.

She’s sneaking up on me. Again.  I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I want to fight, but at the same time I know that I’ve got to. I’ve been arguing a lot with myself lately, should I eat /can I eat / do I deserve to eat / am I allowed to? I want to, but I can’t. Food is on my mind ALL the time, I can’t seem to catch a break. I feel all alone. I feel left behind, hidden in my own soul while everyone else carries on. Why, I don’t know. I was fighting so hard and I was doing so well, but all of a sudden I take maaaaany steps back on the road to recovery. It wasn’t my intension, it was the disorder. I lose more and more control by every day, and I hate losing control. I lose control over my mind, my body and my strength, focus and thoughts.

Where does it end this time? Does it end with a being hospitalized again? Does it end with death or can I be saved (aka. Get help to save myself)? I am definitely not getting the help to help myself at the moment. My therapist doesn’t know a thing, he says weird things that only trigger me, he doesn’t really want to help me and he seems to not see the seriousness in my case, even though I came straight out of the hospital to him WITH my primary contact. The second appointment he was asking me about my diagnosis and what happened this summer and etc. and when I told him that I had been diagnosed with anorexia nervosa earlier this summer his response was : “well, you don’t look like it.” I was really struggling with the weight I had put on during being inpatient for a month eating breakfast (slice of bread with a lot of butter / big bowl of yogurt with cereal/ big bowl of oatmeal with sugar), snack(a fruit and orange/apple juice), BIG warm lunch (just like dinner)+ big desert, afternoon meal (biscuit/cake and a slice of bread with topping), BIG dinner + a big desert and then the same snack as evening snack + I was wearing three layers of clothing since I was freezing my ass off even though it was 20+ degrees outside (Celsius). You could say that I was “slightly” triggered by this. He has said so many stupid, triggering things to me and I so badly want to get rid of him. I can’t have him as my therapist anymore, I won’t survive it.

I need help. I need help soon. I don’t have any control myself anymore and I don’t want to get worse. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t have the energy to fight. If I hadn’t had my mom supporting me on every step of the way, I wouldn’t even want help. I wouldn’t want to fight and I would just give up.

I have to be able to fight this by myself, others can’t fight the things in my head for me, but they can be my armor and help me to protect myself from myself, and that’s what I need. 

When will I learn to love myself?

When my dad was here 3 weeks ago I lost weight. A lot of weight considering he only was here for 5 days. I lost whole 3 kg!! Since then, I've lost 2 more kg. A part of me is proud, really proud! But have I been working towards this the last 3 months? No, not at all. I haven't been striving towards recovery to let Ana take control. I've been working towards happiness, but I've ended up pretty miserable.

I want to have a normal relationship with food. That's all I wish for. I don't get hungry, and worst of all, I don't get full. I don't know those two feelings anymore and I'm terrified of binging. I've only binged once, luckily enough, because the guilt that came afterwards almost killed me.

I want to be healthy, I want to feel normal, I want to be happy, I want to feel comfortable in my own body and be confident, but I don't know how to anymore. Or have I ever known how that feels?

I've never been comfortable in my own body. Never. Not even as a child. You could say I've had a kind of an ed since, well, forever. I always thought "no, I can't eat that, I'll get fatter." Not only fat, but fatter because I felt unbelievably huge.

And am I just gonna learn to love myself now at age 17? Almost 18?! I guess I'll just have to. That's what recovery is for, right?

Why continue?

Why exactly am I doing this? Why am I pushing myself so hard everyday when I can just lay around and show my middle finger to the rest of the world? When I can experience my dream, my dream weight and dream life. Why don't I just give up on this eating, eating, eating, when that's all I want to do at times?

I have an answer for that.

Today was a shitty day, well the days before that were that also, but today was even worse. It has come to that point that I don't cry anymore. When I get sad, I get so extremely sad that all I do is stare into an empty wall and completely fade out. At that moment I ain't myself, I ain't anyone. I've disappeared, mentally, but physically I'm still there. I haven't cried in a long long time, or well, since July this year when I was inpatient and my mom came to visit me after we've been 6 weeks apart. Today that changed.

You should probably know some background details:
My dad doesn't understand how routines around mealtimes are for me to be able to fight this demon. He has been staying with us since Monday and I've dropped many meals since then, eaten less than 1000 kcal in one day when I'm really supposed to have 2500. And yes, I'm in a relapse.

Back to why my period of no crying took an end today:
I felt really guilty, miserable and ashamed both because I hadn't eaten and because I'm having a really bad body-image day today and I knew I had to eat but I didn't want to. I didn't know what to do, so I decided to call my ultimate favourite person in the whole world: my grandma. I needed to ventile to someone I knew would support me, incourage me and make me feel a lot better. Also I hadn't talked to her in a while and I really missed her.
At the exact moment I heard her voice, I felt the "crying feeling". The feeling of your throat closing up, your eyes getting wet and actually a feeling of relief by finally getting it all out.  It felt SO good! She always makes me feel better, no matter what. She has always been there for me and she is my rolemodel.
She incouraged me to get up and make me dinner (even though it was 21:30) and told me how great and strong I am. I love her.

She is the one that got me into recovery. She cried while begging me to get better. She was terrified of losing me and she had already lost me into the disorder. Seeing her crying because of me made me want to try recovery just for her, because she deserves so much better. So much better than having a grandchild wich worries her that much.
If I would give up on recovery now, I won't be disappointing her. I would be disappointing myself. I would make my grandma even more worried than she already is, and that would literally kill me. I can't do that to her.
That is why I will do my ultimate best to recover. For my grandma because she deserves so much more.

-M ♥

About me

I am going to tell you a little about myself, here it goes:
I'm a 17 years old girl with several diagnosis of mental disorders, I was 5 years old when I got the 1st one... So mylife has pretty much swirled arround my mental health and trying to fit in with the rest and be normal. I've been bullied a lot, you can read more about that here. And the past 3 years have been particularly tough. with EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified) that evolved to Anorexia Nervosa, and my other disorders got worse. From May to August, I was in a hospital for 9 weeks all in all. Not much considering, but way too much if you ask me! Never going back!!

But over to something fun!
I'm 176 cm or about 5"9, pretty tall, but I like it
I've got light blue eyes and my haircolor is light brown.
My birthday is on Valentines day... or should I call it "removal day" since I was taken by cesection and not technically born? :P
I'm studying science in upper secondary school and I love it! I've always loved school and learning, not weird considering my mom and aunt are teachers. I'm a high achiever and I don't settle for anything less than an A or at least a B+. Somewhat a good quality, but I tend to have way too high expectations for myself and that's not a good thing. 

I love photography and on crappy days I can completely cut out all my problems by snapping some photos.
I also loooooove chocolate! It tastes like heaven, I literally can't live without it!

I hope you got to know a little bit more about me, and if you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! 

-M

Being sick is NOT a good sparetime activity!

I've got time off of school this whole week, and of course I had to catch a cold. It's so typical! Like it wasn't enough having digestion problems...
But well I have to make the best out of it, so I made a cup of tea. My favourite: Mango & passionfruit ♥
I also put on som music, and now I'm just relaxing, going through some blogs and of course: drinking tea :) 

I'm a bit afraid of getting triggered now since I don't have an appetite, at all. Oh well, not a bit, but A LOT afraid!   And since I'm kind of triggered before, this won't make it any better. I guess I just have to pick myself up and keep fighting. Not much else to do in this situation.

- M ♥

Story of an ED

You know those days when you don't want to get out of bed? The days you don't feel like interact with anyone and just want  be by yourself? The days you don't even see a point in existing and nothing goes your way? You're tired, so extremely tired. Tired of everything and everyone, especially yourself. You're disappointed, unhappy, depressed, sad and hopeless. You're trying to decide wether you should get out of bed or not. "Not" seems much more appealing, but you go for "get out of bed". You go for the challenging choice and you get out of bed, get dressed and if you're feeling extremely strong and powerful, you poor some low calorie cereal in a bowl and then drown it in low fat milk. You look at the clock, it's 5 to 7 am. You throw what's left of your breakfast in the trash because you wouldn't dare to finish those 50 grams. You grab your bag and run out the door, without a lunch pack, to catch the only bus that drives through your neighborhood this time of day. Technically, you didn't have to run. You only ran to burn the calories you just consumed. Filthy, disgusting calories. The guilt is killing you. Why were you so weak? why did you give up and eat? You run a little further, past your bus stop, and towards the next one couple hundred meters away. You check what time it is and see that you have enough time to run to yet another bus stop further away. When you arrive at the third stop you see the bus come driving towards you. You get on the bus, sit down and finally you can catch your breath. Your heart is beating like never before, your body is about to give up, but you are happier than ever before. Or at least you feel like you are, but the truth is: you're miserable. You know you shouldn't have run, you know you're supposed to be proud of yourself for eating breakfast, you know it all, but your head tells you otherwise. It tells you that you're strong for starving yourself, that you don't deserve food, that you look so much prettier if you don't eat, that a single calorie makes you fat and ugly. It even tells you that you're worthless. Your thoughts don't count anymore. You've lost all control. The control you once had, is comepletely gone. You know what you're doing to yourself, but you don't care. Why care when you're eitherway too fat and disgusting, this at least makes you thinner, but you're never thin enough. The last couple of months you've seen the number on the scale drop drastically, but it's never low enough. You're constantly finding new places to squeeze fat, or what you think is fat, but really is skin or a relaxed muscle. You don't care, if it's pinchable, it must go. Your hair is falling out and your skin appears gray. Your teeth and gum hurt. Your body is covered in bruises that you don't remember getting, they just appeared from nowhere. Every movement you make and every step you take hurts. Your muscles are sore and most of all: the spark you once had in your eyes, is completely gone.
Now it's just a matter of time when your heart stops beating and sends you away to a better place. A place where your troubles are nowhere to be seen. One day the beating stops and you're jumping from one cloud to another when you look down, all the way down to earth. You see your family. Your younger brother is crying. He's crying because he lost his only sister. His older sister, who was supposed to look after him, to be there for him, is now gone. Your mom is standing by his side. She's crying too. You have to look away. You can't bare to see your mom crying, even though you two never really got along. A tear slides down your chin. You see your dad coming towards your mom and put her arms around her. Your younger brother joins in and all three of them are now crying together. Your eyes are filled with tears and your cheeks are wet. You wish it didn't go this far. You wish you didn't let this disorder take your life away, that you tried to take control when you had the chance. You wish all this didn't happen. 


"Beep, beep, beep, beep", your alarm wakes you up. You look around yourself and you can't believe it, you're alive! You jump out of bed, get dressed, poor some normal cereal into a bowl and drown it in full fat milk. You pack your lunch, check what time it is and it is 5 to 7 am. It's time you go out the door to catch the only bus that drives through this neighbourhood this time of day. You take one step over the threshold and take a deep breath. The fresh air after a storm fills your lungs. You walk to your bus stop and wait for the bus. When the bus arrives, you get on it, sit down and think to yourself : "Today my life begins!"

Will I ever get thin enough?

Will I ever be thin enough? Is it even possible?
I have realized that I will never be thin enough. I will never be happy with my body. I won't get thin enough, at least not in this body, that's for sure. Maybe if I suck in my organs and crush my ribs, press my body flat with the surface and cut it into pieces, I'll be thin enough. Maybe THEN I'll be satisfied.
At this moment I satisfy myself with sucking in my organs as much as possible, even though that's not good enough. Nothing is good enough. Ever.

People stare and people talk. Some of them know about me, others don't. They stare at me, thinking I'm too fat to be in public, too damn disgusting. I just keep staring at the ground. I won't look them in the eye. I'm too ashamed. I just wan't to disappear from the surface of the earth. Why can't the earth swallow me? In one piece, please.

Some people look at me with sympathy and empathy in their eyes. I don't like it. The "poor you" look. I hate it. I'm not "poor me", I'm not even sick. Well OK, I have a disorder, but there are so many others in the world that have it much worse. Spare your "poor you" looks for them, they deserve them, I don't. I really don't.

-M

"Just get better"

When will people understand that people with eating disorders can't "just eat", "just stop counting calories"or "just stop weighing yourself". It isn't that easy. It's much more complicated than that.

You're afraid of spiders? well get over it. Oh you can't?  why can't you just hold a spider? it's not that hard, just do it.
No exactly! you would freak out because you are afraid of spiders, and therefor won't hold one.

An eating disorder is similar to that. We struggling with an ED are afraid of food. Food and nutrition freaks us out. It's not something we made up. It's something our brain has done to us with out us knowing. It's a mess up with chemicals in our brains. It's a disorder, a disease.

You wouldn't say to a cancer patient :" just get better" like he/she would be able to control it. The same goes for eating disorders and other mental disorders. We can't "just get better".
-M

Reasons

I've been reading some articles about phases and how to succeed in recovery. After reading them I understand much more about my disorder. I might say that I "discover" it in a whole new way. I'm closer to accepting my problems, but still not quite there. I mean, I don't look like an anorexic person, not at all! But the disease is in my brain, where no one can see it. Not even me. That's what makes it so hard to accept. You can't go to a doctor, and just by one look he can give you a diagnosis. It isn't that easy. It's a looooooong process, which seems to never end.

Here is a really good article, which explains pretty much everything about restrictive eating disorders, but mainly focuses on recovery in general. There are really good tips and information about the different phases, causes, and how to get the best possible results of your recovery. Highly recommended! 

-M

I wish

Over the last 3 and a half months, I've been in a hospital all in all for 2 whole months.
Is this a life? No, not at all.
I want to live a as normal life as possible. I want to be able to eat what I want, when and where ever I want. I want to enjoy myself. Be confident and strong. But I ain't and I can't.
No matter how much I swing between wanting to recover and not accepting that I have a problem, I'll never be normal. Despite progresses and hard working, the Ana will always be dwelling beneath the surface. Even though at times I won't notice her, she'll be there and I'll have to be extra careful to not wake her up. Everything, anything and nothing can trigger her.

What's going through my mind right now

Could be triggering

I don‘t know what to say. I don‘t know what I want. I do not accept it, not right now. I don‘t want to. I'm too fat to have Anorexia. But I know. I know what‘s happening. I know what‘s wrong, but I don‘t accept it.  This isn't happening to me, it can‘t, I'm too fat.  I‘m not struggling. I am fine. I‘m managing.

I just want to reach my goal. A specific number. I will reach it. I have to. I‘ve destroyed too much of my process to “perfection“ . I will be able to stop when I‘ve reached my goal. I promise. Just let me reach it and then I can get better. Only 5 more kg. Then I can stop. Or, no, 10 kg.  10 kg and I’m happy.

I’m so irritated and mad. Irritated and mad at myself.  I didn’t want to go to the hospital. I didn’t want to be admitted. My family and doctors forced me to. I know it is to help me get better, and I’m glad for everything everyone has done for me during this process.  But I’m not sure I want to get better. Only few more kg and I can get better, if it involves not gaining weight.
If I gain weight (which I haven’t), I’ll freak out. I weigh myself at least 5 times a day and that’s only a minimum.  I have to see if I can allow myself to eat or not, but I end up eating either way because I’m forced to.  

I get fatter and fatter by every bite I swallow and that’s pathetic. I’m pathetic.  Pathetic because I eat and pathetic because of this voice that takes over. Everything about this is pathetic.

Calories, calories, calories. I’m being eaten up inside and out of the thought of them.

But I’m trying to fight those thoughts. I listen to everything people tell me, but it’s hard to believe those unbelievable sweet things they're saying to me because the voice saying the exact opposite , over powers them. 

I have so many wrong beliefs and misunderstands when it comes to food and nutrition... all on purpose. I can’t sort the logic thoughts from the sick ones. They take over all logic and what’s left is a mindset of thoughts that I fail at controlling. Thoughts that are negative all the way. Destructive and overwhelming thoughts.
I try to turn them around. I fight them as hard as I can, there is if I discover them or get reminded of how wrong they are.

I actually get more and more closed up each passing day. I feel that everyone is trying to make me fat. I’m eating and I feel fatter and look fatter. Even though the scale doesn't show a difference, I can see it in the mirror.

I know that almost every thought that’s written here is wrong. I do know. But I’m stuck in this confusing set of thoughts. I’m tired. So very tired of this disorder which I swing between accepting and not accepting. I wish it hadn't gotten to this point. I wish I had turned around when I had the chance. When it was easier. It was a unintentional decision that I wish I hadn't made.

- 

         -M 

(Pictures from Weheartit.com)

Consequences

There are more negative sides to eating disorders than there are positive.
Some of the consequences you'll be dealing with if you get an eatingdisorder (especially anorexia or ednos with anorexic tendencies):

• You get soft, light, hair all over your body (lanugo) due to your body isn't getting enough energy to keep you warm. You'll feel like a monkey.
• Cold. You are constantly cold! When your friends are wearing shorts, you'll be wearing trousers and a hoddie and STILL be freezing.
• Constipation. It's awful. It makes your stomach and tarms comepletely blown up. You don't have to use the toilet for weeks, wich is pretty ok, but it only fucks up your body up even more. It hurts so much when they begin working again. Not worth it! 
• Loss of self-esteem. Extreme loss of self-esteem. You start to criticize every little inch of your body. Even though you weigh ridiculously little, you still feel and see yourself as a obese person. It's tiring to never be satisfied with your body. I would like to try that once.
• Shame. Shame of your looks. Shame of your disorder. Shame of not dealing with it well. Shame of dealing with it (eating). Shame of this and shame of that. I could continue for at least 5 whole pages. You literally get ashamed of everything! 
• Loss of energy. You like to play football? You like to go for a run? or hang out with friends? Well, if you want an eating disorder, you can kiss those interests goodbye now. You won't have the energy to do any of them if you begin restricting or starve yourself, so why bother? 
• Loss of social life. If you're thinking about beginning to restrict, or begin on a ridiculous diet, you can as well say goodbye to your social life now. Because before you know of it, you'll be sitting alone in your bedroom every night and every day, completely isolated.

You still want to restrict or starve yourself? 
Well here's a list of other consequences:

• The heart muscle changes, and its beat becomes irregular, potentially leading to cardiac arrest and death.
• Dehydration, kidney stones, and kidney failure may result in death.
• Liver damage (made worse if substance abuse is also a factor) may result in death.
• Menstruation often stops, even before extensive weight loss. This is called amenorrhea and can lead to infertility and bone loss or osteoporosis.
• Muscles waste away, resulting in weakness and loss of function.
• Permanent loss of bone calcium leads to fractures and lifelong problems of osteoporosis.
• The person becomes intolerant to cold (especially in the hands and feet), and has sunken eyes, hair loss, bloating, and dry skin.
• The immune system weakens.
• Skin becomes dry and blotchy and has an unhealthy gray or yellow cast.
• Anemia and malnutrition may result.
• Fainting spells, sleep disruption, bad dreams, and mental fuzziness may result.

Don't think that "this won't happen to me", because believe me, it does.

I hope you've changed your mind, because it really isn't worth it. Your life isn't supposed to be spent in weakness and sickness. You should live your life when you have the chance! You got that chance and you should grab it before it's to late! Not everyone has that chance. Appreciate it and enjoy it!
-M

Relapses

Reapses are the hardest part of recovery. I'm having a relapse now and I really can't see what all this fuss is about. I'm not sick. Not even a little bit...
That's my Ana talking, and I know I shouldn't listen to her. But it's hard. Really hard. Harder then anything I've ever done before.
I fight it everyday. The thoughts, the tendencies and the "voice" that's constantly saying something negative about me in my head. Especially when I'm eating and afterwards. It's Ana. Destructive, down breaking and disgusting voice that has taken over my life.
Because of her, I've become overly concious of my body, ridiculously insecure and over the top hard on myself.
I have to remind myself constantly of that during recovery, there will be relapses, but I can't give up. After a relapse, there's recovery. I just have to fight. And I'm not losing, even though I have relapses. I'm losing if I give up during relapses. And I'm not going to lose this war!
-M

Be careful what you wish for

Well, with this blog I want people to get to know how it is to battle an eating disorder.
Many teenage girls these days wish they had an eating disorder, especially Anorexia, and that's so wrong! Just because they want to be thin, they are ready to set their life in danger. They look at pictures of anorexics and admire them because they´ve got thigh-gap and collarbones. They don't know what the consequences are, and that's why I'm starting this blog. So some of them can read about the consequences from someone that has been there. Experienced it. And not just some psychologist that counts up the symptoms.

Teenage girls and boys (and adults), simply don't know what they're getting themselves into because the society has gone crazy of appearance-obsession. It's ridiculous!
This is living hell, and I wish that it didn't turn out this way for me.
I want to be able to save someone out there from this nightmare, because no one deserves to go through this living hell.

Being hospitalized 4 times in 4 months is not fun. Being forced to eat and drink is not something you want. The loss of independence and control is embarrassing. And most of all, battling you own thoughts every minute of everyday is the hardest thing you'll ever have to do! 

So do NOT begin restricting, count calories, weigh yourself everyday or even worry about your weight, because, honey, it takes a hell of a lot of energy, strength, time and work to fight back when the Demon (ED) has taken over your life. It's a 1000x harder to get back up, than it was falling down. 

You are beautiful! Everyone is beautiful in their own way! Inside and out! Don't EVER forget that! 

 - M

A little bit about me

A little bit about me:

I'm a 17 year old girl battling Anorexia Nervosa.
I´ve had an eating disorder since I was 14 years old, and first now I'm getting a proper treatment. 

I wish I had never gone down this road. I wish I could enjoy a chocolate cake or sweets once in a while, but the destructive thoughts are unbearable afterwards. You DO NOT want to experience those thoughts! Trust me, they´re hell! 

I´m working myself towards a full recovery. It´s a long process, and I think it will be interesting to follow it. If not for some people out there, then for myself to look back to. I hope this blog will help me through hard days and relapses.

Peace out!

- M