I have realized that I will never be thin enough. I will never be happy with my body. I won't get thin enough, at least not in this body, that's for sure. Maybe if I suck in my organs and crush my ribs, press my body flat with the surface and cut it into pieces, I'll be thin enough. Maybe THEN I'll be satisfied.
At this moment I satisfy myself with sucking in my organs as much as possible, even though that's not good enough. Nothing is good enough. Ever.
People stare and people talk. Some of them know about me, others don't. They stare at me, thinking I'm too fat to be in public, too damn disgusting. I just keep staring at the ground. I won't look them in the eye. I'm too ashamed. I just wan't to disappear from the surface of the earth. Why can't the earth swallow me? In one piece, please.
Some people look at me with sympathy and empathy in their eyes. I don't like it. The "poor you" look. I hate it. I'm not "poor me", I'm not even sick. Well OK, I have a disorder, but there are so many others in the world that have it much worse. Spare your "poor you" looks for them, they deserve them, I don't. I really don't.
-M
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