Might be triggering; I'm glad to be in recovery!

It’s terrifying that it only took less than 4 weeks to lose 15 kg… That shows how incredibly strong an eating disorder can be! I’m so glad to be in recovery now, for the second time. 

I had Anorexia in 2009/10 and I lost 20 kg in 6-7 weeks, I fully recovered in the beginning of 2011 by myself and I thought I would never go back, but then this MAJOR relapse came and I ended up with IV drip as I didn't drink or eat.

I’m far away from fully recovered, but I’m NEVER going back to where I was! I've come so far, and I'm NEVER looking back!

Will I ever get thin enough?

Will I ever be thin enough? Is it even possible?
I have realized that I will never be thin enough. I will never be happy with my body. I won't get thin enough, at least not in this body, that's for sure. Maybe if I suck in my organs and crush my ribs, press my body flat with the surface and cut it into pieces, I'll be thin enough. Maybe THEN I'll be satisfied.
At this moment I satisfy myself with sucking in my organs as much as possible, even though that's not good enough. Nothing is good enough. Ever.

People stare and people talk. Some of them know about me, others don't. They stare at me, thinking I'm too fat to be in public, too damn disgusting. I just keep staring at the ground. I won't look them in the eye. I'm too ashamed. I just wan't to disappear from the surface of the earth. Why can't the earth swallow me? In one piece, please.

Some people look at me with sympathy and empathy in their eyes. I don't like it. The "poor you" look. I hate it. I'm not "poor me", I'm not even sick. Well OK, I have a disorder, but there are so many others in the world that have it much worse. Spare your "poor you" looks for them, they deserve them, I don't. I really don't.

-M