School school school

School is mentally tiring. It's not that I don't enjoy being around people or learning stuff. I just get overly self-concious, insecure and all the stress is killing me. Luckily I have a reduced time schedule so I really hope I won't get a nervous breakdown again like last year. Though when teachers are telling us how the plan for the next couple of weeks are, I breakdown crying. Fun, very fun indeed...

I have chemistry test on Monday and I feel ready. I feel like I could as well take the test right now, even though I haven't read much. Chemistry is something I'm good at, something that makes me feel like I really accomplish something and I like that :) My teachers ask me how my preparations for the test are going and when I say it's going very well because it's easy, they all get very surprised. I guess they're not used to students thinking that chemistry is easy :p

After a chill day at school with some biology, chemistry, internet surfing and filming for a school project (I was an "actress"! Scary stuff) I got home and immediatly changed into my favourite outfit; sportsbra, huge t-shirt and tights. I read some chemistry and drank hot cocoa. Well, to be honest there wasn't much reading, mainly instagram surfing hehe. You have to make it seem like you are "perfect" on a blog, right? That's at least a trend atm ;)

You got any questions? You are more than welcome to ask me anything you like!

-M

Day 4

What are factors that contributed in your choice to recover?

I hated seeing my greatgrandma and grandpa cry and pray for me. I don't want them to worrie about me, and the only way to do that is to get better. They love me and they will always care. I didn't want to hurt them by pushing them away like everybody else; believe me, sick me tried to...and I'm so not proud of that!

My grandma was so worried and cried while begging me to get better. That had a HUGE impact on me. She's my favorite person in the whole world and I love her soooooo much! She loves me more than anything, and saying no to her when she definitely was dying of worries, felt cruel. She was so worried of losing me. She had already lost me into the disorder, and was terrified of losing me completely. 

I want to recover for them. My grandma, great grandma and great grandpa do not deserve this.

I recover for the people around me, but first of all do I recover for myself.

Bad day

I'm tired. Tired of everything and everyone. I'm gonna call it tonight and lay down in my cozy safe warm bed and watch HIMYM before I fall asleep.
I'm trying to hold on to hope, but it keeps slipping away.
See ya tomorrow, hopefully more motivated and in a better mood.
-M

Pictureday!

It feels like there's a mountain in my stomach, that's how anxious I am... We've got Pictureday today at school, so yeah, I'm dead.
Usually on classphotos, I look retarded. Some how the photographer chooses the pic that I am the only one not "perfect". Last year my eyes were closed and my smile was like when you're smiling and at that exact moment see a huge spider, so yeah, a terrified smile haha.
Wish me good luck!

When a mental disorder takes over your life

When a mental disorder takes over your life, you just simply got to fight to get it back, because eventually it will take your life away. Maybe in the moment you are depressed that sounds pretty great. The thought of something taking your life away seems relieving. But in the moment you are NOT depressed, you can´t think of not being alive. Depression is like most other mental disorders, a disorder which you can recover from.  If you try hard enough, you will recover and learn to love life again. And when you’re recovered you will be thankful for being alive, I can promise you that.

When I was at my worst, I had pre-heart attack symptoms. I had chest pains and felt like there was a ton lying on my chest. I had constant back pain in my upper back, toothache and pain in my left arm, which are all known as pre-heart attack symptoms. I got help in time. Thankfully! I can‘t believe if I had gotten a heart attack, only 17 years old! 17 year old and a heart attack don‘t simply fit with each other.

An eating disorder CAN take your life away. No, you are not allowed to think that „nope, that won‘t happen to me, I‘m not sick enough“ because that´s bullshit. If you don‘t fight back, it WILL take your life away! And once it does, you can‘t get it back because, well, you´re dead. Everyone has their own struggles and have to fight through the day. If you want to live, you have got to fight twice as hard as them, because here we are talking about life or death.

 If you restrict, you can lose your life, even though you are categorized as “normal weighted”. If your body lacks nutrients and food in general over a long time, you can get serious complications which can lead to a tragic death. Reports of the 1981 hunger strike by political prisoners against the British presence in Northeast Ireland indicate that 10 individuals died after periods of between 46 and 73 days without food. Think! 46-73 days, that’s a pretty short time! You won’t survive much longer than that, and chances are that you won’t even survive that long!

My mom told me about a woman who worked out at her gym. She was there 24/7, usually on the skiing machine or the treadmill. She was thin, but not as thin as the pictures that come up on Google when you search for Anorexia (apropos, very few people who suffer from anorexia look that way). Nobody was fascinated or admired her of her stamina for running for hours. They looked at her and thought “poor lady”. Eventually they had to ban her from the gym. She was forced into several treatments, but once she was “better”, she came to the gym and was back to where she began, running or skiing for hours. Few months later, she died. She wasn't as thin as the anorexia pictures on the internet, but her body couldn't bare the restriction and over exercise any more. It gave up.  

That could be you. Think about it. Is this disorder gonna win, or are YOU going to win this fight? I bet on you.

I look forward to winter!

I'm freeeeeeeezing! Autumn is definetely here in Norway now. I like the autumn and I LOVE the winter, but when the houses are made of wood and are poorly isolated, it's not as much fun. I like to sleep in a warm bed and not wake up with a cold, but I guess that's not an option hehe. The radiators take a lot of electrizity, so we try as much as we can to not use them. But of course if it's too cold, we turn them on.

I can't wait till the snow is here. It makes everything so pretty and bright. It covers all the uglyness, the dead grass, the trash on the streets and etc. It makes the world look so beautiful.

The holidays make everyone in such a good mood, filled with excitement and niceness. That makes the holiday so much easier for people like me, the people who are depressed during christmas time. Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with my family and cuddle up in a blanket to watch a christmas movie which usually ends ridicoulsy beautifully, watching the snow falling outside the window and etc. But the food and too much sosialisation make me irritated and depressed, and probably because of former experiences arround christmas which I won't go further into.
But I look forward to it. It makes me happy and relaxed to see the pople I love be happy. It doesn't matter to me how I'm feeling, since I'm used to feeling this way.

Tough time and snack

My evening snack for tonight is an organic Superfruit raw food bar. Delicious!
Ana has been really tough on me today and I'm about to give up, but I wont. I wont let myself to give up now when I've come so far. I will recover sometime, and if I give up now, the next time I try recovery it will be A LOT harder. It's hard enough now, so no, I won't give up!
-M

Story of an ED

You know those days when you don't want to get out of bed? The days you don't feel like interact with anyone and just want  be by yourself? The days you don't even see a point in existing and nothing goes your way? You're tired, so extremely tired. Tired of everything and everyone, especially yourself. You're disappointed, unhappy, depressed, sad and hopeless. You're trying to decide wether you should get out of bed or not. "Not" seems much more appealing, but you go for "get out of bed". You go for the challenging choice and you get out of bed, get dressed and if you're feeling extremely strong and powerful, you poor some low calorie cereal in a bowl and then drown it in low fat milk. You look at the clock, it's 5 to 7 am. You throw what's left of your breakfast in the trash because you wouldn't dare to finish those 50 grams. You grab your bag and run out the door, without a lunch pack, to catch the only bus that drives through your neighborhood this time of day. Technically, you didn't have to run. You only ran to burn the calories you just consumed. Filthy, disgusting calories. The guilt is killing you. Why were you so weak? why did you give up and eat? You run a little further, past your bus stop, and towards the next one couple hundred meters away. You check what time it is and see that you have enough time to run to yet another bus stop further away. When you arrive at the third stop you see the bus come driving towards you. You get on the bus, sit down and finally you can catch your breath. Your heart is beating like never before, your body is about to give up, but you are happier than ever before. Or at least you feel like you are, but the truth is: you're miserable. You know you shouldn't have run, you know you're supposed to be proud of yourself for eating breakfast, you know it all, but your head tells you otherwise. It tells you that you're strong for starving yourself, that you don't deserve food, that you look so much prettier if you don't eat, that a single calorie makes you fat and ugly. It even tells you that you're worthless. Your thoughts don't count anymore. You've lost all control. The control you once had, is comepletely gone. You know what you're doing to yourself, but you don't care. Why care when you're eitherway too fat and disgusting, this at least makes you thinner, but you're never thin enough. The last couple of months you've seen the number on the scale drop drastically, but it's never low enough. You're constantly finding new places to squeeze fat, or what you think is fat, but really is skin or a relaxed muscle. You don't care, if it's pinchable, it must go. Your hair is falling out and your skin appears gray. Your teeth and gum hurt. Your body is covered in bruises that you don't remember getting, they just appeared from nowhere. Every movement you make and every step you take hurts. Your muscles are sore and most of all: the spark you once had in your eyes, is completely gone.
Now it's just a matter of time when your heart stops beating and sends you away to a better place. A place where your troubles are nowhere to be seen. One day the beating stops and you're jumping from one cloud to another when you look down, all the way down to earth. You see your family. Your younger brother is crying. He's crying because he lost his only sister. His older sister, who was supposed to look after him, to be there for him, is now gone. Your mom is standing by his side. She's crying too. You have to look away. You can't bare to see your mom crying, even though you two never really got along. A tear slides down your chin. You see your dad coming towards your mom and put her arms around her. Your younger brother joins in and all three of them are now crying together. Your eyes are filled with tears and your cheeks are wet. You wish it didn't go this far. You wish you didn't let this disorder take your life away, that you tried to take control when you had the chance. You wish all this didn't happen. 


"Beep, beep, beep, beep", your alarm wakes you up. You look around yourself and you can't believe it, you're alive! You jump out of bed, get dressed, poor some normal cereal into a bowl and drown it in full fat milk. You pack your lunch, check what time it is and it is 5 to 7 am. It's time you go out the door to catch the only bus that drives through this neighbourhood this time of day. You take one step over the threshold and take a deep breath. The fresh air after a storm fills your lungs. You walk to your bus stop and wait for the bus. When the bus arrives, you get on it, sit down and think to yourself : "Today my life begins!"