Day 13

Do you believe you can ever fully recover from an eating disorder? Explain.

 I want to believe that I can. At the moment, it feels like it will always be a part of me, like an arm or a leg, something that I won’t be able to get rid of. But I like being positive and thinking that the road ahead will eventually be completely ED-free. The thought of being in this hell for the rest of my life terrifies me. And if it will be that way, then so be it. I don't have to think about that now, when all I can do is be positive.

Day 7

 Sorry for continuing this 30days challenge so late hehe, buuut I will finish it sometime ;) 

Do you think the media contributes to the growing rate of girls developing eating disorders younger and younger?

Well, everything has its consequences and effects on PEOPLE (not only girls, but boys as well) that are sensitive for developing an ED and yes, I have to say that media contributes to the growing rates. They put the standards for “good enough” higher and higher. It’s always: “you’ll be prettier, better, hotter and etc, if you use this and that and these products.” Why can’t we just be enough, just the way we are? 

Lost. Again.

She’s sneaking up on me. Again.  I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I want to fight, but at the same time I know that I’ve got to. I’ve been arguing a lot with myself lately, should I eat /can I eat / do I deserve to eat / am I allowed to? I want to, but I can’t. Food is on my mind ALL the time, I can’t seem to catch a break. I feel all alone. I feel left behind, hidden in my own soul while everyone else carries on. Why, I don’t know. I was fighting so hard and I was doing so well, but all of a sudden I take maaaaany steps back on the road to recovery. It wasn’t my intension, it was the disorder. I lose more and more control by every day, and I hate losing control. I lose control over my mind, my body and my strength, focus and thoughts.

Where does it end this time? Does it end with a being hospitalized again? Does it end with death or can I be saved (aka. Get help to save myself)? I am definitely not getting the help to help myself at the moment. My therapist doesn’t know a thing, he says weird things that only trigger me, he doesn’t really want to help me and he seems to not see the seriousness in my case, even though I came straight out of the hospital to him WITH my primary contact. The second appointment he was asking me about my diagnosis and what happened this summer and etc. and when I told him that I had been diagnosed with anorexia nervosa earlier this summer his response was : “well, you don’t look like it.” I was really struggling with the weight I had put on during being inpatient for a month eating breakfast (slice of bread with a lot of butter / big bowl of yogurt with cereal/ big bowl of oatmeal with sugar), snack(a fruit and orange/apple juice), BIG warm lunch (just like dinner)+ big desert, afternoon meal (biscuit/cake and a slice of bread with topping), BIG dinner + a big desert and then the same snack as evening snack + I was wearing three layers of clothing since I was freezing my ass off even though it was 20+ degrees outside (Celsius). You could say that I was “slightly” triggered by this. He has said so many stupid, triggering things to me and I so badly want to get rid of him. I can’t have him as my therapist anymore, I won’t survive it.

I need help. I need help soon. I don’t have any control myself anymore and I don’t want to get worse. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t have the energy to fight. If I hadn’t had my mom supporting me on every step of the way, I wouldn’t even want help. I wouldn’t want to fight and I would just give up.

I have to be able to fight this by myself, others can’t fight the things in my head for me, but they can be my armor and help me to protect myself from myself, and that’s what I need. 

When will I learn to love myself?

When my dad was here 3 weeks ago I lost weight. A lot of weight considering he only was here for 5 days. I lost whole 3 kg!! Since then, I've lost 2 more kg. A part of me is proud, really proud! But have I been working towards this the last 3 months? No, not at all. I haven't been striving towards recovery to let Ana take control. I've been working towards happiness, but I've ended up pretty miserable.

I want to have a normal relationship with food. That's all I wish for. I don't get hungry, and worst of all, I don't get full. I don't know those two feelings anymore and I'm terrified of binging. I've only binged once, luckily enough, because the guilt that came afterwards almost killed me.

I want to be healthy, I want to feel normal, I want to be happy, I want to feel comfortable in my own body and be confident, but I don't know how to anymore. Or have I ever known how that feels?

I've never been comfortable in my own body. Never. Not even as a child. You could say I've had a kind of an ed since, well, forever. I always thought "no, I can't eat that, I'll get fatter." Not only fat, but fatter because I felt unbelievably huge.

And am I just gonna learn to love myself now at age 17? Almost 18?! I guess I'll just have to. That's what recovery is for, right?

School school school

School is mentally tiring. It's not that I don't enjoy being around people or learning stuff. I just get overly self-concious, insecure and all the stress is killing me. Luckily I have a reduced time schedule so I really hope I won't get a nervous breakdown again like last year. Though when teachers are telling us how the plan for the next couple of weeks are, I breakdown crying. Fun, very fun indeed...

I have chemistry test on Monday and I feel ready. I feel like I could as well take the test right now, even though I haven't read much. Chemistry is something I'm good at, something that makes me feel like I really accomplish something and I like that :) My teachers ask me how my preparations for the test are going and when I say it's going very well because it's easy, they all get very surprised. I guess they're not used to students thinking that chemistry is easy :p

After a chill day at school with some biology, chemistry, internet surfing and filming for a school project (I was an "actress"! Scary stuff) I got home and immediatly changed into my favourite outfit; sportsbra, huge t-shirt and tights. I read some chemistry and drank hot cocoa. Well, to be honest there wasn't much reading, mainly instagram surfing hehe. You have to make it seem like you are "perfect" on a blog, right? That's at least a trend atm ;)

You got any questions? You are more than welcome to ask me anything you like!

-M

Update

I haven't blogged in a while since, well, to say it mildly: I was being eaten up by the universe, as you probably noticed by the last post. I'm doing better now though, and it has been that way for the past 2-3 days. But atm I feel like I am slowly drowning again.
School is taking every small amount of energy and motivation to get better away from me. I'm at breaking point and getting a nervous breakdown (again!) isn't unlikely atm. But I hold on to positivity as hard as I can. I know I can't get away from the dailylife and that's not what I want either. I just want to get better :)

I had a biology test earlier today that went fantastic! I have way too high standards for myself, so the last days have been biology reading, biology reading and some more biology reading. Eucaryote cells is actually not as bad as I thought it would be, but it's A LOT of memorizing!

I will try to write posts more often, but I have a lot of tests, essays and crap to do, but I will do my best :)

Btw, what do you want me to blog more about? eg. food updates, more daily life, articles, inspiration etc?

-M

Thank you

I’m sitting here with tears in my eyes. I can’t believe how sweet people can be! All the things they say to me really make a difference in my life. They motivate me and help me to see that I am worth it, and it’s not always I think I am. I’ve gotten to know so many fantastic people through this process, it’s almost unbelievable. Or well, it is unbelievable. The nurses, other patients, people through tumblr and Instagram  and etc.  

It is quite funny that my new friends are the one that are my most supportive friends. Maybe that is because they know. They know what I am going through and either have been through it or are going through it. We don’t affect each other negatively, not at all. We motivate and support each other. I love it and I LOVE them! Worst part is that they live very far away, mostly in other countries. But we send packages and letters to each other to brighten up each other’s days :) 

There are so many people I am thankful for that the list would never end! My family members, close friends and not so close friends. I’m first now realizing how many people actually care about me, and it’s a fantastic feeling. My ED made me think no one cared, that I was unloved and unwanted, but that was just the ED talking. Sometimes that feeling comes back, but I manage to beat it down, distract myself by watching TV, surf Tumblr and instagram or do other things I like. Sometimes I even feel so strong that I eat! Unbelievable but true.

Stay strong! ♥
-M

Challenges challenges challenges

There are challenges around every corner. I challenge myself every single minute of every single day. I never thought I would make it this far, but I have. The time passes unbelievably fast and at times I can't follow it. I just kind of float with the stream. At school, I am "just kind of there". Waiting for the time to pass so I can go home and be alone. My Ana doesn't think I deserve having friends. She is upset, she's furious. I am eating as normally as I can and I do my best to do exactly the opposite of what she says, but I end up every single evening with a panic attack. My heart beating at 300 mph and it hurts. An aching pain swirling around in my chest, killing every little bit of hope that's left.

But the next day, when I wake up, I'm fully motivated (or at least nearly) and I kick my ass out of bed to eat breakfast. It's easier when I have enough time, no stress, and can enjoy the moment of actually completing something I never thought I would be able to do. I don't want to isolate myself, and I promise I won't, but it sure seems the best solution from time to time.

I'm hanging in there and doing the best I can, but it's hard to eat when you're not hungry... I don't get hungry anymore. I just feel dizzy and weird because of lack of energy, that reminds me to eat. Sometimes 10 times passes until I actually remember to eat. That happens especially when I'm at school...
I'm working on it though.

My weight bounces up and down, up and down, up and down. It's not stable and I guess that's partly waterweight and partly restriction at school 's fault. A.k.a. my fault.
It's all my fault, I know that. I was the one who got myself to this point, and I know am the only one who is able to get me back up from there, so I'm doing my best!
-M

Might be triggering; I'm glad to be in recovery!

It’s terrifying that it only took less than 4 weeks to lose 15 kg… That shows how incredibly strong an eating disorder can be! I’m so glad to be in recovery now, for the second time. 

I had Anorexia in 2009/10 and I lost 20 kg in 6-7 weeks, I fully recovered in the beginning of 2011 by myself and I thought I would never go back, but then this MAJOR relapse came and I ended up with IV drip as I didn't drink or eat.

I’m far away from fully recovered, but I’m NEVER going back to where I was! I've come so far, and I'm NEVER looking back!

About me

I am going to tell you a little about myself, here it goes:
I'm a 17 years old girl with several diagnosis of mental disorders, I was 5 years old when I got the 1st one... So mylife has pretty much swirled arround my mental health and trying to fit in with the rest and be normal. I've been bullied a lot, you can read more about that here. And the past 3 years have been particularly tough. with EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified) that evolved to Anorexia Nervosa, and my other disorders got worse. From May to August, I was in a hospital for 9 weeks all in all. Not much considering, but way too much if you ask me! Never going back!!

But over to something fun!
I'm 176 cm or about 5"9, pretty tall, but I like it
I've got light blue eyes and my haircolor is light brown.
My birthday is on Valentines day... or should I call it "removal day" since I was taken by cesection and not technically born? :P
I'm studying science in upper secondary school and I love it! I've always loved school and learning, not weird considering my mom and aunt are teachers. I'm a high achiever and I don't settle for anything less than an A or at least a B+. Somewhat a good quality, but I tend to have way too high expectations for myself and that's not a good thing. 

I love photography and on crappy days I can completely cut out all my problems by snapping some photos.
I also loooooove chocolate! It tastes like heaven, I literally can't live without it!

I hope you got to know a little bit more about me, and if you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! 

-M

Anxious

I'm terribly anxious, don't know why though. I just have this extreme tension in my body, my shoulders and neck are stiff and I can feel that my shoulders are way too near my ears. Not good, not good at all.
I'm tired of when it starts going well, Ana kicks in powerfully. I'm exhausted after today (and it's only noon!) And by that I mean mentally. I just want to lay down with a cup of my favorite tea and a good book. Not talk to anyone. Just me, myself and I.
Hope you're doing better than I am!

 I haven’t been feeling particularly good since yesterday. But I won’t bore you with depressing anorexic thoughts, they’re not healthy and I know that. So ignoring those thoughts is the only thing I can do at this moment, or at least try my best to.

Health comes 1st!

I’m exhausted physically and mentally! I had a whole school-day today, from 8 to 15:30, so I wasn’t at home from 7 to 16:30. A looooooong day! Thursdays will be the only whole day (7,5 hours) at school from now on since I’ve decided to take “high school” (don’t know what to call it, it’s 11th, 12th and 13th grade) over 4 years instead of 3. It’s sad, but I hope it will help me to not get a nervous breakdown like last year. This way I can pay more attention to the subjects I have than I else would be able to.

 I’m starting with cutting only one subject out of my schedule and then I’ll just have to see how thing goes.
If you’re wondering what subjects I have, I’m in chemistry, biology, Norwegian, history, entrepreneurship and science math. The subject I cut out, or well, I will have it during next year or the extra year, is physics. And yeah, I’m supposed to have PE as well, but I’m not allowed to L

It’s sad to not be going to university at the same time as everyone in my class, but it’s the best considering the situation. Health comes 1st, school second!  If you don’t have health, you can’t be at school as much or get good grades. That’s just logical, isn’t it? Health is the foundation of almost everything, or when I think of it, pretty much everything.

Take good care of yourself and you will be able to take care of the rest of your life.

The university I'll be attending in 2 years :) 

Being sick is NOT a good sparetime activity!

I've got time off of school this whole week, and of course I had to catch a cold. It's so typical! Like it wasn't enough having digestion problems...
But well I have to make the best out of it, so I made a cup of tea. My favourite: Mango & passionfruit ♥
I also put on som music, and now I'm just relaxing, going through some blogs and of course: drinking tea :) 

I'm a bit afraid of getting triggered now since I don't have an appetite, at all. Oh well, not a bit, but A LOT afraid!   And since I'm kind of triggered before, this won't make it any better. I guess I just have to pick myself up and keep fighting. Not much else to do in this situation.

- M ♥

Tired of being tired

I'm tired of being tired all the time. I'm tired of freezing. I'm tired of being in bad shape. I'm tired of being constipated. All I can do is wait. Wait for my body to start working again. I'm in worse shape than my grandma, and she has lungproblems.... that's how bad shape I'm in.

I went for a walk earlier today (NOTE: my first walk alone in weeks!!!! I'm proud!) I walked for about an hour and stopped regularly to take pictures. (I photograph a lot, a alot, a lot! ) I went to a park here nearby and photographed birds, nature, horses etc. On my way home my body was giving up. My feet were unbelievebly heavy, my eyes were about to close and I almost fainted. BUT my mind was set on finishing this walk. I was going to get myself home! I just had to! I got home, but it took a hell of a lot longer time than usual.... and now I'm about to fall a sleep, even though I slept for 11 hours last night. 

I'm tired of this. I wish it never went this way!

Here are some photos from today: