Might be triggering; I'm glad to be in recovery!

It’s terrifying that it only took less than 4 weeks to lose 15 kg… That shows how incredibly strong an eating disorder can be! I’m so glad to be in recovery now, for the second time. 

I had Anorexia in 2009/10 and I lost 20 kg in 6-7 weeks, I fully recovered in the beginning of 2011 by myself and I thought I would never go back, but then this MAJOR relapse came and I ended up with IV drip as I didn't drink or eat.

I’m far away from fully recovered, but I’m NEVER going back to where I was! I've come so far, and I'm NEVER looking back!

About me

I am going to tell you a little about myself, here it goes:
I'm a 17 years old girl with several diagnosis of mental disorders, I was 5 years old when I got the 1st one... So mylife has pretty much swirled arround my mental health and trying to fit in with the rest and be normal. I've been bullied a lot, you can read more about that here. And the past 3 years have been particularly tough. with EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified) that evolved to Anorexia Nervosa, and my other disorders got worse. From May to August, I was in a hospital for 9 weeks all in all. Not much considering, but way too much if you ask me! Never going back!!

But over to something fun!
I'm 176 cm or about 5"9, pretty tall, but I like it
I've got light blue eyes and my haircolor is light brown.
My birthday is on Valentines day... or should I call it "removal day" since I was taken by cesection and not technically born? :P
I'm studying science in upper secondary school and I love it! I've always loved school and learning, not weird considering my mom and aunt are teachers. I'm a high achiever and I don't settle for anything less than an A or at least a B+. Somewhat a good quality, but I tend to have way too high expectations for myself and that's not a good thing. 

I love photography and on crappy days I can completely cut out all my problems by snapping some photos.
I also loooooove chocolate! It tastes like heaven, I literally can't live without it!

I hope you got to know a little bit more about me, and if you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! 

-M

Who am I?

I’m home from school today because I’m really fighting to stick to recovery these days. Everything in school triggers me, and I’m extremely triggered now and that’s not a good thing. I really want to get better, but being in school with all those people that judge me, look at me and talk about me while I’m really hurting really doesn’t make things any better. I know I can’t isolate myself, but now I really want to… I need time to think. Think about how I’m going to tackle this, to get to know myself outside my eating disorder and etc.

I’ve been feeling extremely empty recently. I can stare at an empty wall for hours if I didn’t have to do other things. I am completely absent. I don’t have any hobbies, except photography, I don’t have anything outside of school; I really don’t have anything anymore. My eating disorder took everything!

Before the summer vacation and during the summer I was in a hospital. During that time I was only a patient. A patient locked up and not connected to anything at all. And the time before that I wasn’t me at all, so who am I really?

The only thing I know about myself is that I’m a girl with diagnoses, more than one and more than two. I know I enjoy photography, but that’s all. It’s o sad and pathetic.

Right now I sit here in front of the laptop and I couldn’t feel emptier. I’m not sad, I’m not frustrated, I’m not happy, I’m not ok. I’m just here. Nothing really matters anymore. I’m neither me nor a patient anymore. I’m nothing.  I can feel the control slipping through my fingers. It disappears a little every day. I’m losing everything I’ve had for almost 4 years. I can’t remember what I had before that.

I’ve changed so much since before my ED, and I can’t expect myself to be the person I was back then again. In addition to that I only was 13 years old at that time, and no one I know is the same person at 17 years old as they were at 13. You get much more mature during that time. I know I’ve gotten more mature, but I’ve always been mature. So I don’t really know. My life has kind of always been around my ED.

Hehe I know, it’s a really depressing post, but hey, that’s how my life is atm.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not giving up on recovery! I’m trying to continue it, but it’s hard.

p.s. I haven't gotten into making the blog look good, I simply don't have the time or the energy. But I will get to it soon! 

A little bit about me

A little bit about me:

I'm a 17 year old girl battling Anorexia Nervosa.
I´ve had an eating disorder since I was 14 years old, and first now I'm getting a proper treatment. 

I wish I had never gone down this road. I wish I could enjoy a chocolate cake or sweets once in a while, but the destructive thoughts are unbearable afterwards. You DO NOT want to experience those thoughts! Trust me, they´re hell! 

I´m working myself towards a full recovery. It´s a long process, and I think it will be interesting to follow it. If not for some people out there, then for myself to look back to. I hope this blog will help me through hard days and relapses.

Peace out!

- M