Woke up,
5:30 am, more than ready to start the day of. I lay in bed till 5:45 and then
decided to get out of bed and make myself a delicious breakfast a.k.a. porridge
with mango and cocos. I ate and felt kind of motivated. I actually looked
forward to school, but all of a sudden everything changed. It went from a good
day, to a terrible one in 0.01 seconds. Everything came razing down. I was in
the middle of math class, actually only half an hour in to it and still had 2
hours left. I just sat there, staring in to nothing and I was senseless at that
moment and felt everything around me racing down like a waterfall.
I am tired, so extremely tired of seeing things that aren’t real. No I’m not schizophrenic, I am talking about fat. I see fat everywhere, even my toes are fat. I see a belly that is way too huge and makes a “beautiful” muffin top over my pant line. I see thighs that literally jiggle in the wind. I see calves that could be real calves, that’s how huge they are. I see a double chin bigger than Mount Everest. I see arms that look like arms on an obese person and at last but not least, I see cheeks that are blown up like balloons.
I know that
these things aren’t true. I know how Ana is disturbing my thoughts, but seeing
this 24/7, every time I look in the mirror and every time I look at myself,
makes it too real to not believe it. At times it gets too much, way too much. That’s
what happened today at school. I began crying, in the middle of class, over my
breakfast that I btw ate two HOURS earlier! The regret, the shame, the
disappointment was enormous. My head was weird. I couldn’t concentrate, I
couldn’t think, I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t listen. The only thing I could do
was look in the mirror and cry while feeling my rib, chest, collar and hip
bones. Nothing sexual, only Ana being Ana. I wasn’t me anymore. I was Ana.
More and
more of me is constantly getting washed away, but at the same moment I am
always finding new pieces that I didn’t know existed. It’s like a puzzle and I’ve
finally understood that some of those pieces that I’ve been struggling puzzling
together simply do not fit. And all this time I have been desperately forcing
them together and didn’t understand why they always fell apart again.
I haven’t
found all the pieces yet, and I am still forcing pieces together to feel and
look more “whole”. But even though I want them to fit, they don’t. I just have
to accept the fact that this process takes time and in the end, I will have all
my pieces in the right place. Even though it is on my death-bed, they will all
fit together sometime.
