1. Don’t make valued body judgments
Example sentences:
- “You look great as you are!”
- “But you are already thin.”
- “You look healthy!”
- “You’re not fat.”
- “REAL women have curves!”
- “You don’t want to look emaciated, you want to look buff/toned!”
Why you might want to say it:
- “Eating disorders happen because people are insecure about how they look… so if I compliment them, they’ll be less insecure, and feel better!’
Why you shouldn’t:
- Eating disorders are about taking every insecurity and translating it into terms of food/weight/appearance, making appearance insecurity mostly a symptom of a larger problem rather than the whole problem itself. In addition, the accidental message being sent is that an eating disorder is only bad if the person is already thin — and so if that person was fat, their eating disorder would “make sense,” not be as much of a problem, or not bad enough to need help.
What to say instead:
- Focus on things that don’t depend on weight — activities that they are good at, positive character traits, and occasionally weight-independent physical characteristics
- “Look how strong you are now!”
- “You’re much more active/aware/fun to be around since you’ve recovered.”
- “I like you because you are a great friend.”
- “You look a lot happier since you’ve recovered.”
- “Losing or gaining weight won’t change how I feel about you — I love you for who you are, not how you look.”
2. Don’t make it about your issues or insecurities
Example sentences:
- “If you think YOU’RE fat, you must think I’M obese!”
- “If you loved me, you would eat more.”
- “If you won’t eat, then I won’t eat either.”
- “I know how you feel.”
- “Are you trying to punish me for something?”
- “I’m sorry.”
Why you might want to say it:
- “Love conquers all! Maybe they don’t like themselves enough to recover, but if I make it about me, then they’ll choose to recover for me.”
- Many people want to say “I know how you feel” or “I’m sorry” out of genuine desire to empathize and help. And while they are more helpful than many of the others, the fact of the matter is that you CAN’T really know how they feel, because you’re not them, and it’s not your fault, so your “sorry” doesn’t really mean anything.
Why you shouldn’t:
- Eating disorders are an illness, and they are not about hurting anyone else; they are a way to cope with otherwise overwhelming things (depression, anxiety, abuse, trauma, etc.).Heaping more blame on a sick person, and making them focus on you and your discomfort will only make them feel more guilt and shame, making recovery even more difficult. The likely outcome will probably be that they will stop seeing you as a safe ally, and instead feel the increased need to lie or hide things from you in order to not hurt you. This isolates them further, and keeps you from actually being able to be there for them in an effective way.
What to say instead:
- “I am here for you, because I care about you.”
- “How can I best support you?”
3. Don’t call attention to what/how much they’re eating
Example sentences:
- “OMG you’re actually eating!!”
- “You’re eating again, so I guess you’re recovered!”
- “You’ll eat THAT, but you won’t eat ___?”
- “You’re eating a lot… are you going to puke it up later?”
- “That must be at least ____ calories!” / “Do you know how much fat/carbs/sodium is in that??”
Why you might want to say it:
- For some of these, well-meaning people might say it as a way to point out progress in recovery, or to make a serious situation a little more lighthearted, or just genuine curiosity. For others, I can only guess that they just weren’t thinking at all.
Why you shouldn’t:
- Eating disorders are toxic because of obsession; part of recovery is learning to do normal things without obsessing about them or paying them undue attention. When you call attention to something we really need to think less about, it is very triggering and almost universally unhelpful.
What to say instead:
- “I’m proud of you for all the progress you’ve made in recovery.”
- “Great job, honey. So how’s that [insert unrelated project] of yours coming along?”
4. DO NOT brush it off, or downplay the severity
Example sentences:
- “It’s just a phase.”
- “It’s not that bad.”
- “You’re not really sick.”
- “Other people are sicker/starving in China/etc.”
- “It’s just an extreme diet.”
- “I know how you feel, dieting is really stressful.”
Why you might want to say it:
- “It’s just a negative attention-getting tactic; if I don’t reward it, they’ll drop the act.”
- “I used to have a ‘phase’ like that, and I got over it, so they will, too.”
Why you shouldn’t:
- If someone trusts you enough to open up about something they’re really struggling with, it is completely invalidating to brush it off as nothing. If you are one of the first people they open up to about something, and you react in this way, it could very well discourage them from getting the help they might desperately need, perhaps until it’s too late.
- Each experience with disordered eating is different. It could very well be just a “dieting” phase for some people, but it is also the deadliest mental illness for a reason — because for some people, it is much more serious.
What to say instead:
- Try to reflect back the amount of seriousness that they are bringing to the table. Note that this means you have to listen to nonverbal cues and take into account their personality/confrontational style. If it seems like they are getting something heavy off their chest by telling you this, it is a sign that this means a great deal to them, and that what they are looking for from you is to address that it is a struggle and to offer them support. If they mention a-little-too-casually that they have been dieting a lot recently, try asking more conversational questions that could help them open up a little more about what they’re going through.
- “It sounds like this is weighing heavily on you. Do you want to talk about it?”
- “ ‘dieting a lot,’? What do you mean?”
5. Do NOT offer or ask for dieting tips. Don’t talk about dieting at all.
Example sentences:
- “If you REALLY wanted to lose weight…”
- “So-and-so lost ___ lbs on such-and-such diet.”
- “I read about this diet in [insert notoriously fat-shaming magazine]…”
Why you might want to say it:
- It’s become a kind of way for women to bond with other women, and just for people to talk idly about in general. Cultural pressure has almost literally everyone worried about their weight and so it’s common ground for almost everyone else, which makes it very accessible as personalized small talk. Mostly people just say this kind of stuff because they aren’t really familiar with the profound consequences it has on some people.
Why you shouldn’t:
- Self-comparison is incredibly addictive and very unhealthy, especially for those with eating disorders. Statements like this are like throwing wood on a fire and then dumping the contents of a gasoline truck onto it.
- Implying that they should focus on losing weight is terrible. It’s kind of exactly opposite all the goals of recovery.
What to say instead:
- anything else. Seriously.
6. Don’t blame them for being sick
Example sentences:
- “Snap out of it!”
- “Stop feeling sorry for yourself.”
- “Just eat something already, jeez.”
- “Why are you making this so hard on me/everyone else?”
- “You’re being really selfish.”
Why you might want to say it:
- Frustration, largely, with an issue that you don’t really understand that doesn’t seem to be making the consistent progress you’d want.
- Wanting to “shake them out of it”
Why you shouldn’t:
- It doesn’t work
- It reinforces guilt, blame, the idea that there is something wrong with them, etc. It also sets the expectation that they can just “snap out of it,” (when clearly they can’t, or they certainly would have by now), and when those expectations are internalized and then not met, it’s even more “justification” for the low self-esteem and low sense of self-worth that are major barriers to recovery.
What to say instead
- “I know that this is very frustrating for you. Remember that I care about you a lot and I am here in whatever capacity I can be.
- You might also want to say nothing and take a breather until you can rejoin the fray. Being a supporter of someone with a chronic illness, especially a chronic “invisible” illness, is extremely draining and can have serious effects for the people around the suffer as well as the sufferer themself. If you need a few days off in order to clear your head and regain your balance, that is more than fine. Your number one job is to take care of yourself; only when you are really addressing your own needs can you actually be helpful to others. If you need to explain this to your loved one with an eating disorder, reassure them that you still care deeply about them, and you still want to help, but that you need some time to take care of yourself for a while. Try to make sure that they recognize that they have other people in their support network that they can lean on if necessary, that you’re not abandoning them to their own devices. Emphasize that it is not their fault, just that you have your own affairs you need to get in order. Establish exactly what kind of relationship they can expect from you in the meantime — no contact? emergency contact? just friends? no difference in label, just less time/emotional availability? Agree on expectations (both yours of them and theirs of you) and things will hopefully go much more smoothly. But whatever happens, again, your first responsibility is to take care of yourself and you are NOT a bad person if you ultimately have to withdraw from a position as supporter in order to do so.
