I do not need

I do not need
empty stomachs,
shrinking skin,
children’s clothing,
or dropping numbers;

I do not need
icy hands,
sunken eyes,
falling hair,
or jutting bones;

I do not need
distant thoughts,
blacked out vision,
hospital beds,
or a dying pulse.

I do not need validation:

I do not need
to die again
to be deserving of
coming back to life.

Day 25

What are your ‘fear foods’? I CHALLENGE you to eat one today. Dare you. Do it.

• pastry (cakes included)
• Full fat items
• Sugary items, full sugar items and sugar in general  
• Not diet or light sodas/squash
• Juice
• Fruits except frozen berries (stupid, I know...), especially the ones where 100 g have more than 100 kcals. 
• Ice cream
• Smoothie
• Bread things, especially if it's not whole wheat or whole grain bread
• Sweets, except milk and brown chocolate (not more than 100g through the day!), white chocolate is still a fear
• Oil and butter
• Sauces
• None diet hot chocolate
• Beef
• Minced meat
• Meats on bread
• Chocolate cereals and cereals with sugar like Frosties
• Cheese, but not cheese spread
• Pasta
• And some other stuff I can't think of right now.

This is a terribly long list, in fact this list shouldn't consist of any item! I'm terribly sorry if this triggers anyone of you! But you have to know that this is NOT healthy! This is NOT "cool" or "fabulous". Having fearfoods won't do you any good! It makes you miserable. Be afraid of some innocent food item takes away so much of you time. The worries, the fright and the isolation that comes with it consume your life. Be strong and challenge your eating disorder!

Day 24

Where were you in terms of your eating disorder 6 months ago? Describe how you’ve changed.

6 months ago was May 2013 and I was inpatient due to chronic suicidal thoughts, suicidal actions, bipolar disorder and panic anxiety disorder. I was struggling, but not anything compared to how it got the month after. I had it under control. I had so many 'more serious' things to fight through everyday that my mind was really far away from ... everything really. I lived in my own head. I can't remember anything from this time other than terrible, destructive thoughts that I'd rather live without having to experience them. 
Now I am recovering from those things. Since 17th of June, I've been recovering on my own and it has gotten much better. But then again, my ED has gotten waaaaaaay worse...

I'm freezing my ass off right now. I'm so cold that I can't even do schoolwork. I'm laying besides the radiator, and still am I freezing. What is up with that?
I love wintertime, but I don't look forward to this winter weather wise... I'm freezing now and it is +degrees outside, how will it be when the temperature is around -10 or even -20 degrees? Yeah, I know what you're thinking. I'll die!

I'm staying home from school today because I am in a huge relapse and I really have to use all my time and efforts to get back on track. I hate this stupid, annoying, hating, terrifying disorder. I want to be free,  free like a bird!

There is no one else than me, myself and I, I have to recover for. I have to recover because I want to, not because others want me too. Even though that's a big plus, I won't be able to recover if I don't want to myself. I can wish all I want, but wishing isn't enough. I have to put those wishes into actions. And if I want to be able to put those wishes into actions, I have to put all my time and efforts into it.

I want to gain my life back. I want to enjoy life and enjoy living. I am sick and tired of this so called 'life'. I want to be normal, once in for all. Even though I'll never be completely normal (if there is such a thing) I want to be a little closer to it than 500000000 miles away like I am now.

Why does this have to be so hard?
I'm finally getting a specialist to talk to, and I'll meet her on Tuesday. I deeply hope that it will work because I am desperate. I need to be able to concur this illness. It has taken up way too much of my life!

Day 21

Who has been the biggest contributor of your recovery in your life? Explain.

My biggest contributor must be my mama, though grandma is a tough runner up!
My mommy is always there for me. She takes care of me, wipes my tears away, hugs me when everything around me is collapsing, keeps reassuring me that I can do this, and at last but not least: she loves me, she always has, even though I've been a really tough child to raise, considering all my problems and challenges. Even though I've lost my temperature and been really unfair and mean to her, she still sticks around, even when everyone left. I love her so much and I couldn't do this without her.

Day 20

 I feel eating disorders have somehow been glamorized. Explain your opinion on this.
You have probably seen those 'pro-ana', 'pro mia' or 'thinspo' pictures, IG accounts, Tumblr accounts and even facebook sites and blogs. It is horrible, disgusting and sad. It is sad that teenagers out there look at anorexics and think: "omg, her legs are perfect!" "I want a thighgap like that!" "I wish my ribcase was as visible as hers". It is so sad that I get tears in my eyes just by thinking about it. We who suffer don't wish for this illness. It is an ILLNESS, a mental ILLNESS, not a body shape or perfection. It is an illness! It comes with an unmeasurable amount of pain, suffering and sadness. I can't describe all the feelings that pass my head after meals. I suffer in silence for a whole day just by eating breakfast. I restrict sometimes, and I am NOT proud of it because all it does is destroy my body even more. Not giving your body the nutrients and amount of energy it needs to function on daily bases is NOT cool. It is sad. It is sad that you feel like you can't eat lunch because you'll get fat. That is such a bullshit! Your body NEEDS food, it NEEDS energy, it NEEDS nutrients. So eat that god damn brownie or sandwich or cupcake or what ever you want because your body NEEDS it! Screw the 'thigh gap' because it doesn't exist. It is something we humans have made up thinking that it is the sign of a healthy, fit, beautiful body. But you know what? It is so NOT healthy. Unless it is natural for your body to have the 'thigh gap', but that is not something anyone should be working towards if it isn't normal for their body. Every body has its own healthy weight, a wheight where it your body is happy, healthy, functions properly and it is natural for it to stay at. No one will gain forever (unless you eat 5000+ kcal a day). If you eat properly and healthy, you will gain till you are at a healthy weight. That's how the human body works. It tries it's best to stay healthy. So simple is that. 

Day 17

 What does being fat TRULY mean to you?

Being fat doesn’t really mean anything special to me. I don’t want to get fat and Ana keeps telling me that I can’t continue being this way aka. fat. Ana tells me that being fat is disgusting, depressing and the root to all my problems. But that is so far away from the truth as possible. I know that, but believing it is the hard part…

Day 14

How do your friends and family feel about your eating disorder?

 They are really supportive and understanding. My family is really put down by it and worry about me, especially my grandma, but it only shows how much I mean to them and that again motivates me to get better because they deserve so much more. 

Day 10

Does anyone in your close family have an eating disorder? If so, do you think it had an impact on you developing one?

 Yes, my fathers mother has Anorexia as well. And yes I think that had a huge impact on me, especially because when she was at her sickest she kept reminding me that thin was better and when I started losing weight in 5^th grade, she gave me a huge compliment and told me that I had been fat and stuff… But she has helped me a lot and this summer she said that we should fight together and the first one to get to 65 kg would get a price hehe. But I don’t know how that is going since she doesn’t really contact me when I’m not visiting her.