What if I had succeeded?

The thought of that if I hadn't gotten help and met all those incredible people through the process, I would be in this place, permanently, in the graveyard. One of many bodies buried in this ground. One of many souls wandering around, lost and terrified.

Instead, I'm here, alive. I am walking on the surface, laughing and having fun.
Seeing how thankful and proud my mom is, that I am still among us, is immeasurable. Nothing, and by that I mean NOTHING can be compared to the smile on her face seeing me with hope in my eyes again and fighting my way through life.

But what if I wasn't here?

She would have lost her only daughter, her first born, her baby. How would she carry on knowing that her own daughter took her own life? Knowing that I suffered and gave up. Tried to fight, but gave up. If I hadn't already been dead, it would kill me seeing her suffering that much.

All those times I almost succeeded, I thought I would be doing everyone a favor by leaving, by giving up and swallowing 24 sleeping pills. I wouldn't be "in the way" of everyone anymore, I wouldn't be disturbing anyone, I wouldn't be making the teachers job harder, I wouldn't be irritating my fellow classmates by my presence anymore and most of all, I would have got rid of those demons in my head.

I thought that I would never be able to be happy again. That I wouldn't be able to enjoy life again. I thought I wasn't worthy of life.

But now, 4 months after my last attempt, I am smiling, I am laughing and I am learning to love life again, and am I thankful? YES. I couldn't be more thankful for everyone that has been there for me, that cared, listened and gave me a shoulder to cry on when I needed.

I thought I couldn't fight those demons, but what am I doing every single day now? I am fighting. I am fighting like a true soldier, and I'm proving to everyone, included myself, that I am more than my illnesses. That I ain't the illness, but the person behind it. Yes, I have an illness, but I aint the illness. There's a huge difference.
For the first time in my whole and entire life, I am thankful for being alive, even though it's hard.

-M xoxo

School school school

School is mentally tiring. It's not that I don't enjoy being around people or learning stuff. I just get overly self-concious, insecure and all the stress is killing me. Luckily I have a reduced time schedule so I really hope I won't get a nervous breakdown again like last year. Though when teachers are telling us how the plan for the next couple of weeks are, I breakdown crying. Fun, very fun indeed...

I have chemistry test on Monday and I feel ready. I feel like I could as well take the test right now, even though I haven't read much. Chemistry is something I'm good at, something that makes me feel like I really accomplish something and I like that :) My teachers ask me how my preparations for the test are going and when I say it's going very well because it's easy, they all get very surprised. I guess they're not used to students thinking that chemistry is easy :p

After a chill day at school with some biology, chemistry, internet surfing and filming for a school project (I was an "actress"! Scary stuff) I got home and immediatly changed into my favourite outfit; sportsbra, huge t-shirt and tights. I read some chemistry and drank hot cocoa. Well, to be honest there wasn't much reading, mainly instagram surfing hehe. You have to make it seem like you are "perfect" on a blog, right? That's at least a trend atm ;)

You got any questions? You are more than welcome to ask me anything you like!

-M