I am so blessed!

Today has been a pretty good day. It began with the cutest message I've ever gotten on Tumblr where a girl told me that I was her role model. That is huge!! I just couldn't believe it, and still don't. Being someones role model motivates me even more to recover properly, it is such a good feeling know that tou are doing something right!

And it didn't end there!
When I got to school I got such a cute SMS from a close friend of mine saying I light up her world. That is too cute isn't it?

On the way home from school around noon (Mondays and Tuesdays are my short days), I stopped at the grocery store to walk around checking nutrition values (NOT A GOOD THING!), seeing if I should buy some snacks and etc. I don't know why, but walking and looking around in a foodstore really calms me down.  But yeah, I saw these Ben & Jerry's icecream boxes and said to myself "why not?".
It was so tough picking up the boxes, not because they were heavy, but because I have a really hard time buying 'unhealthy' stuff on my own. I always have either my bro or my mom with me. Not this time, no, I did it ALL BY MYSELF!!

I got really paranoid while checking out thinking everyone was watching me, criticizing me, thinking that I didn't deserve that as I am way too huge etc etc etc. My head was exploding and I was about to put the boxes back, but all of a sudden I heard a friendly voice saying : "Good morning" and it was time for my check out. I couldn't back out at that point. That would only look weird, so I paid for the 2 boxes and hurried to put it in a bag so no one would see how disgusting I was.

But then when I came home I began thinking logically again. Maybe the people at the store were envying me for buying this, thinking that they should have bought something like that, that they really got a craving for B&J when they saw my delicious boxes of Cookie dough ice cream and Half baked ice cream. Who wouldn't want those brands???

I have had anxiety attacks, struggled with thoughts and school but I don't really care right now. Someone out there looks up to ME! Me of everyone else, that is just surreal.

I don't care what my head tells me today because I am so unbelievably blessed by everyone around me supporting me! 

This post has become a rumble of things haha, hope it wasn't too messy for you to read and understand  :-)

-M

Anniversary!!!

Today, 15th of December it is exactly HALF A YEAR since I last overdosed! And oh my god how thankful I am for that it didn't work, although at that time it felt like yet another thing I failed at.
I did never imagine that I would live to Christmas and now they are just around the corner. That is a HUGE achievement on my behalf!

You may think that you can't live another day in this life, but YOU CAN! You may not be able to see that right now and it feels like a cliché (?), but before you know it, it will GET BETTER! I promise!

Find something to do, something to keep you occupied. For me it was working at a hotel, sewing when I got home and read. I didn't allow myself any sparetime to sit and just think. Ofc that happened from time to time, but when that happens  try to make sure you are not alone. You don't need to talk to anyone about what you're going through if you don't want to, just sit with someone, small talk, get something yummy to snack on and keep your mind occupied with other than negative thoughts! Those negative thoughts only destroy you, and you've got to destroy what destroys you, right?

Keep fighting, I believe in you Xx

Positive outlook on what is left to come

I like writing my pain away. Why you may ask?
Well, it is relieving, it calms me down, it makes me see things from another perspective, I get to know myself much better by reading what I write, and at last but not least: I get to read it later in life and see how much I've grown and how far I've come from being really ill. I sure hope that sometime in the future I can look back and think how thankful I am for not being in that place anymore. Because I am sooooo done with being this way!
I want to be healthy, I want to be normal, I want to be able to stick to plans and not backing out because of fright, suicidal behaviors, destructive thoughts, purging, low energy, having to exercise, chest pains, depression, panic attacks or the bipolar being in action (which it always is, but sometimes it is hyper active).

I want to say good bye to my ED and all the other mental illnesses for good. I am working my way towards that, and someday, sometime I will be able to proudly declare that I in fact am HEALTHY!

I have an appointment with an ED specialist on Tuesday and I can't wait! She is so nice and I really think that she will be able to help me. I don't know if I've written about her before, but she comes all the way from the city (1 hour away) just to talk to me! That is so unreal for me! I've till now, been the patient that no one really cares about. That doesn't get informed when her appointment has to be reschedule (happened to me once, and I had traveled with bus for more than half an hour just to be informed that my therapist was sick... and yeah, that sucked) or everyone, and by that I mean EVERYONE she talks to get's sick or don't have enough time for her... But now, there is a psychologist actually interested in ME! I can't believe that!! FINALLY am I going to get the help I need here in Norway!!!

I am scared of what's coming, but I am so excited as well. Such a weird combo, but I know that I am going to make the appointments with her matter. Not just sit there silently, not willing to open myself up and talk openly about Ana.

Right now, my Ana thoughts are so strong. She is telling me that  I shouldn't eat anything because I have to be "sick enough" to deserve the help I'm getting. That I should restrict and not give a damn about what anyone thinks of that. That I have to be thin, thin as a skeleton to deserve being helped. But you know what I do to concur this *bitch* ? I challenge the hell out of her! Brownie, coffee cake, hot chocolate, chocolate, pizza, apple pie, ice cream and other things have been stuffed down her throat the past 3 days, and I am pretty damn proud of that :) Even though she is mad and making me feel miserable, I know that it is her, the disorder, not me. I am gonna write another post about those thoughts soon