I do not need

I do not need
empty stomachs,
shrinking skin,
children’s clothing,
or dropping numbers;

I do not need
icy hands,
sunken eyes,
falling hair,
or jutting bones;

I do not need
distant thoughts,
blacked out vision,
hospital beds,
or a dying pulse.

I do not need validation:

I do not need
to die again
to be deserving of
coming back to life.

Day 21

Who has been the biggest contributor of your recovery in your life? Explain.

My biggest contributor must be my mama, though grandma is a tough runner up!
My mommy is always there for me. She takes care of me, wipes my tears away, hugs me when everything around me is collapsing, keeps reassuring me that I can do this, and at last but not least: she loves me, she always has, even though I've been a really tough child to raise, considering all my problems and challenges. Even though I've lost my temperature and been really unfair and mean to her, she still sticks around, even when everyone left. I love her so much and I couldn't do this without her.

Day 10

Does anyone in your close family have an eating disorder? If so, do you think it had an impact on you developing one?

 Yes, my fathers mother has Anorexia as well. And yes I think that had a huge impact on me, especially because when she was at her sickest she kept reminding me that thin was better and when I started losing weight in 5^th grade, she gave me a huge compliment and told me that I had been fat and stuff… But she has helped me a lot and this summer she said that we should fight together and the first one to get to 65 kg would get a price hehe. But I don’t know how that is going since she doesn’t really contact me when I’m not visiting her.

Recovery is possible

I'm beginning to get my body back. It's scary! But I also like it, because I haven't been in healthy shape for over 3 years now. It actually feels kind of comfortable. But as I said, scary.
I've convinced myself that I won't continue gainig weight forever. My body will get to its healthy weight and stay there, there is if I don't eat more than what's normal. And by that I don't mean not eating a little bit too much of chocolate in one day or have a one day where you almost only eat unhealthy food.
No one gains weight by eating unhealthy once in a while. You gain weight if you eat 5000 kcal a day over a long time and don't move much. Believe it or not, but it's true.

Even though my body is getting healthier, I still have to take enzyms to help my stomach digest food, and a lot of vitamins. I will probably have to do that for some time, months or even years.

Remember! Food won't hurt you, but your eating disorder will. Food is necessary to live. No food = no life.

-M