Bad day

I'm tired. Tired of everything and everyone. I'm gonna call it tonight and lay down in my cozy safe warm bed and watch HIMYM before I fall asleep.
I'm trying to hold on to hope, but it keeps slipping away.
See ya tomorrow, hopefully more motivated and in a better mood.
-M

I look forward to winter!

I'm freeeeeeeezing! Autumn is definetely here in Norway now. I like the autumn and I LOVE the winter, but when the houses are made of wood and are poorly isolated, it's not as much fun. I like to sleep in a warm bed and not wake up with a cold, but I guess that's not an option hehe. The radiators take a lot of electrizity, so we try as much as we can to not use them. But of course if it's too cold, we turn them on.

I can't wait till the snow is here. It makes everything so pretty and bright. It covers all the uglyness, the dead grass, the trash on the streets and etc. It makes the world look so beautiful.

The holidays make everyone in such a good mood, filled with excitement and niceness. That makes the holiday so much easier for people like me, the people who are depressed during christmas time. Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with my family and cuddle up in a blanket to watch a christmas movie which usually ends ridicoulsy beautifully, watching the snow falling outside the window and etc. But the food and too much sosialisation make me irritated and depressed, and probably because of former experiences arround christmas which I won't go further into.
But I look forward to it. It makes me happy and relaxed to see the pople I love be happy. It doesn't matter to me how I'm feeling, since I'm used to feeling this way.

My suicide story

Since it is suicide prevention week, I want to share a little bit of my story.

I have been struggling with suicidal thoughts and self-harm since I was 3 years old, that’s really scary! I didn’t get proper help until I was 5 years old, because no one believed my mom that I had these kinds of problems because I was so young. But guess what? As a 4 year old, I had already almost committed a suicide 3 times…  I got diagnosed with anxiety and depression at age 5 and was on medication from that time till I was 9 years old. Lucky me got in a remission from the disorders and I didn’t realise how lucky I really was. Until two years ago.

 The last couple of years haven’t been easy, actually the exact opposite. After almost two years of struggling with an ED (without realising it), isolating myself, being left out and teased, I exploded. I had been holding everything inside for so long and I regret not opening up earlier. What I didn’t know at that time was my case was much more serious than I thought. I had those typical disordered thoughts that I didn’t matter, that I deserved to die and that everyone would be better off without me. 

I went to the school therapist to ventilate and get everything off my chest. I didn’t think it mattered, but I just wanted to tell someone how I was feeling. Before I even had time to blink was he on the telephone with the local children and youth psychiatric health station to get me an emergency appointment. Since then (September 2011) I’ve been in therapy. But despite of that, I tried to commit suicide 5 times that school year, and 7 times the next one (last year). I had 4 emergency appointments to evaluate if I should be admitted to a hospital to keep me from doing anything stupid, but it was always on the edge, so they evaluated that I could be at home. What they didn’t know was that the nights after those appointments, I self-harmed a lot (nut by cutting, I’ve never cut, but by punching myself, banging my head into things and kicking stuff).  I felt like I wasn’t taken seriously, that I didn’t matter, and that only made thing worse. Finally last year I was admitted to a hospital. I say finally, because that was the turning point. I FINALLY got proper help! After 14 years of not being taken seriously! 

What I’m most thankful for now, is that I didn’t take my own life! I can’t imagine how my family would have felt if I had. By taking your own life you are taking away the pain, but you are also taking away the chance of things getting better! You haven’t lived you happiest days yet! Life isn’t over, even though you want it to. Life goes on, even though it is without you. Very interesting, exciting, happy things will happen and if you give up now, you won’t experience those things.

It is so important to take people seriously! No matter how much you don’t want to believe them, because when it comes to suicide, NO ONE lies! You wouldn’t kid around by saying that you wanted to kill yourself. That simply isn’t funny!

Smile to the lonely boy sitting alone in the corner of the classroom, to the girl that looks sad at the bus stop, to the shy girl walking in the halls looking at the ground. Say hi to them! You never know if that smile or “hi” saves a life. It could be the only thing that makes them survive the day. Think about it!

Smiles from stranger on the street, from people at school and from teachers really make my day! I remember when I was at my worst, there was this one teacher at school that took her time to talk to me, to say hi on her way to teach another class, to smile to me and show that she cared. I’m so thankful for that she took time to do those things because that literally saved my life! or as I like to say: she helped me to save myself because you can't count on people to save you, the only one who can and will save you is you! They can help you realise that you can be saved, but they can't save you. You have to do the work, it is hard and takes time, but you are worth it! Talk to people, tell them how you are feeling and if you want to, see a therapist/phsycologist/phsyciatrist.

 Maybe medication can help you to take the first step. They can make you strong enough mentally to be able and want to take the steps that lie ahead. But if you don't want them, that's comepletely ok as well! Everyone has their own point of view. In my case they helped me, but that doesn't mean they will help you, or that you need them. Don't take any perscription from a phsyciatrist that you've only talked to for 15 minutes, see them at least couple of times before.  

You can do this! You can survive! You can save yourself! Smile whenever you go past a mirror, even though you don't like what you see. After sometime this smile actually will increase your selfesteem and you'll feel better about yourself. Try it! 

Shooting stars

Yesterday was a pretty shitty day. The devil on my shoulder (Ana) was mightier than ever and last night I lost all control. I sneaked out after my mom had fallen asleep, just to run. Run to burn more calories. I'm not suppose to run since I am an exerciseaholic and my joints are in a bad shape due to a lack of nourishment for a long time. But I did it anyway, or Ana did. I couldn't stop running. It didn't matter how much I wanted to, I couldn't. I had control over my thoughts, but not my body. That was a really weird experience...

When I arrived home again, I looked up to the sky. It was so pretty! Prettier than anything I've ever seen before! It sparkled with stars. I went inside to get my camera and while the camera took pictures I enjoyed the view. If you didn't know, when taking pictures of stars and other things in the dark, you need to have a really slow shutterspeed. I used a shutterspeed that took 30 sec to take one picture. 

Me, myself and I + my camera + stars and galaxies = best time ever! 

When I was about to go inside, I took one last look before I had to go to sleep, to maybe dream something as pretty instead of those nightmare's I've been having. And suddenly a star flew across the sky. It was a shooting star! I've never seen one that clearly before. It was a fantastic experience! And of course I wished upon it. 

I wished to recover. That's what I want the most at this moment, and I hope the wish comes true. I will at least work towards that.

The shooting star actually turned a shitty day into one of the best days I've ever had! It's so weird!

-M