Thank you

I’m sitting here with tears in my eyes. I can’t believe how sweet people can be! All the things they say to me really make a difference in my life. They motivate me and help me to see that I am worth it, and it’s not always I think I am. I’ve gotten to know so many fantastic people through this process, it’s almost unbelievable. Or well, it is unbelievable. The nurses, other patients, people through tumblr and Instagram  and etc.  

It is quite funny that my new friends are the one that are my most supportive friends. Maybe that is because they know. They know what I am going through and either have been through it or are going through it. We don’t affect each other negatively, not at all. We motivate and support each other. I love it and I LOVE them! Worst part is that they live very far away, mostly in other countries. But we send packages and letters to each other to brighten up each other’s days :) 

There are so many people I am thankful for that the list would never end! My family members, close friends and not so close friends. I’m first now realizing how many people actually care about me, and it’s a fantastic feeling. My ED made me think no one cared, that I was unloved and unwanted, but that was just the ED talking. Sometimes that feeling comes back, but I manage to beat it down, distract myself by watching TV, surf Tumblr and instagram or do other things I like. Sometimes I even feel so strong that I eat! Unbelievable but true.

Stay strong! ♥
-M

Challenges challenges challenges

There are challenges around every corner. I challenge myself every single minute of every single day. I never thought I would make it this far, but I have. The time passes unbelievably fast and at times I can't follow it. I just kind of float with the stream. At school, I am "just kind of there". Waiting for the time to pass so I can go home and be alone. My Ana doesn't think I deserve having friends. She is upset, she's furious. I am eating as normally as I can and I do my best to do exactly the opposite of what she says, but I end up every single evening with a panic attack. My heart beating at 300 mph and it hurts. An aching pain swirling around in my chest, killing every little bit of hope that's left.

But the next day, when I wake up, I'm fully motivated (or at least nearly) and I kick my ass out of bed to eat breakfast. It's easier when I have enough time, no stress, and can enjoy the moment of actually completing something I never thought I would be able to do. I don't want to isolate myself, and I promise I won't, but it sure seems the best solution from time to time.

I'm hanging in there and doing the best I can, but it's hard to eat when you're not hungry... I don't get hungry anymore. I just feel dizzy and weird because of lack of energy, that reminds me to eat. Sometimes 10 times passes until I actually remember to eat. That happens especially when I'm at school...
I'm working on it though.

My weight bounces up and down, up and down, up and down. It's not stable and I guess that's partly waterweight and partly restriction at school 's fault. A.k.a. my fault.
It's all my fault, I know that. I was the one who got myself to this point, and I know am the only one who is able to get me back up from there, so I'm doing my best!
-M

Jeff Dunham

I'm on my way to go see a Jeff Dunham show in Oslo with my lil bro (nickname I use on my little brother). I'm so excited! I love Jeff Dunham and doing something fun is really what I need right now!
Since it's fearfood Friday I ate some white bread. Proud! Bread is a major fearfood of mine, and white bread is/was on my "banned-list". I'm proud, and I'm feeling quite confident I'm going to make it this time!
Lots of love!
P.s. Jeff Dunham must be ready for me, because here I come!

Might be triggering; I'm glad to be in recovery!

It’s terrifying that it only took less than 4 weeks to lose 15 kg… That shows how incredibly strong an eating disorder can be! I’m so glad to be in recovery now, for the second time. 

I had Anorexia in 2009/10 and I lost 20 kg in 6-7 weeks, I fully recovered in the beginning of 2011 by myself and I thought I would never go back, but then this MAJOR relapse came and I ended up with IV drip as I didn't drink or eat.

I’m far away from fully recovered, but I’m NEVER going back to where I was! I've come so far, and I'm NEVER looking back!

B to the I to the G, BIG mistake!

I did a BIG mistake! Capital B, capital I, capital G mistake!
I forgot to pack lunch for school... and I won't be home till 14:30 and I ate breakfast at 6:30. I can't restrict, I don't want a worse relapse than it already is! What to do??
We have a cafeteria here at school, but I can't eat food someone I don't trust has prepared.... it's a major fearfood of mine!
Maybe I just have to challenge myself and fight through it? One baguette won't kill me. Worse case scenior is that it will ruin the rest of my day, but that's really hard to do since I'm going to see Jeff Dunham tonight! I'm really looking forward to that, since I didn't get to travel to the Netherlands this week on a school project...
But I have to look on the bright side of life!

Gotta love Monty Python! especially on tough days like this one.
Stay strong!

Never good enough

It feels like no matter what I do, I do it wrong. I always fuck things up, ruin everything; most of all, my recovery. Thanks to my socially awkwardness and insecurity.
I try and I try and I try, but I never succeed. I keep reminding myself that if I do my best, I am succeeding. Even though I don't reach my goals, if I do my best that is, or at least should be, enough. But it is hard to remember that at all times.
I have to remember that no matter what I do, there is always going to be someone that is not pleased. I have to get better at doing what makes ME feel good. What I want, not only what others want me to do, but what I want to do!

I'm too obsessed with what others think of me. It takes way too much time of my everyday life, literally 24/7. It is constantly on my mind. When I wake up, it's there. When I go to sleep, it's there. Even in my dreams, it's there!
"Am I sitting right? Am I standing properly? Did I say something stupid? Oh no I shouldn't have told them my opinion, now they are going to think that I am a "now-it-all" and never going to talk to me again. She is probably thinking why I can allow myself to eat food because I'm so fat. He is probably wondering why a person can be as ugly as I am." and etc.
It's tiring. It's tiring to never be good enough. 

About me

I am going to tell you a little about myself, here it goes:
I'm a 17 years old girl with several diagnosis of mental disorders, I was 5 years old when I got the 1st one... So mylife has pretty much swirled arround my mental health and trying to fit in with the rest and be normal. I've been bullied a lot, you can read more about that here. And the past 3 years have been particularly tough. with EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified) that evolved to Anorexia Nervosa, and my other disorders got worse. From May to August, I was in a hospital for 9 weeks all in all. Not much considering, but way too much if you ask me! Never going back!!

But over to something fun!
I'm 176 cm or about 5"9, pretty tall, but I like it
I've got light blue eyes and my haircolor is light brown.
My birthday is on Valentines day... or should I call it "removal day" since I was taken by cesection and not technically born? :P
I'm studying science in upper secondary school and I love it! I've always loved school and learning, not weird considering my mom and aunt are teachers. I'm a high achiever and I don't settle for anything less than an A or at least a B+. Somewhat a good quality, but I tend to have way too high expectations for myself and that's not a good thing. 

I love photography and on crappy days I can completely cut out all my problems by snapping some photos.
I also loooooove chocolate! It tastes like heaven, I literally can't live without it!

I hope you got to know a little bit more about me, and if you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! 

-M

Bad day

I'm tired. Tired of everything and everyone. I'm gonna call it tonight and lay down in my cozy safe warm bed and watch HIMYM before I fall asleep.
I'm trying to hold on to hope, but it keeps slipping away.
See ya tomorrow, hopefully more motivated and in a better mood.
-M

Misleading health facts

I’m so tired of people talking out of their ass about nutrition. It is misleading and leads many to an eating disorder.  You’ve heard that low carb diet is healthy?  Well, it’s NOT!! 

By cutting out carbs you will automatically eat more cholesterol. If you eat more than what you need of cholesterol, it starts to build up in your arteries (Arteries are the blood vessels that carry blood away from the heart.) This is called hardening of the arteries, or atherosclerosis. To understand what happens, think about how a clog forms in the pipe under a kitchen sink. Like the buildup of grease in the pipe, the buildup of cholesterol narrows your arteries and makes it harder for blood to flow through them. It reduces the amount of blood that gets to your body tissues, including your heart. This can lead to serious problems, including heart attack and stroke.

Our body needs carbohydrates. It needs enough of every nutrient!

Eating little bit of everything is the most healthy thing you can do! Balanced diet it the healthiest. By that I don’t mean getting your carbs form mcDonald’s, but from for an example whole grain bread. There are healthy carbs, and there’s unhealthy carbs. There is healthy fat, and there is unhealthy fat. There are healthy and unhealthy types of everything. Full fat products aren’t necessary unhealthy, in fact they are often healthier, but it depends on if the fats are saturated or unsaturated.

Don’t believe everything media tells you! Not half of what they say is completely true. You have to be extremely critical when reading about nourishment!
And remember, calories are only an energy unit! It doesn’t hurt you, it only gives you energy to go through the day! Stay strong ❤❤❤

Anxious

I'm terribly anxious, don't know why though. I just have this extreme tension in my body, my shoulders and neck are stiff and I can feel that my shoulders are way too near my ears. Not good, not good at all.
I'm tired of when it starts going well, Ana kicks in powerfully. I'm exhausted after today (and it's only noon!) And by that I mean mentally. I just want to lay down with a cup of my favorite tea and a good book. Not talk to anyone. Just me, myself and I.
Hope you're doing better than I am!

Mental-challenge day

Today has been a very long short day. On Mondays I'm done at school at 10:40 so by that terms it's a short day, but this one has been a long one. 1. we had our classphoto taken this morning (mental challenge). 2. I forgot my keys so when I finally arrived at home I had to walk all the way to my brother's school ca 2 km away. Get the keys, walk back home and then FINALLY I was home! During my way home from school I "only" took a little over 6000 steps. Heh, todays work out finished! and more than that actually, since I'm not allowed to "work out" more than necessary in a daily life due to I´m a recovering "exercise-aholic". I had to put everything I had into not running. It's a habit of mine to always run up and down hills, so this was Another mental challenge I faced today. Pretty proud of myself!
And to make it even better: I´m really struggling now to keep down the chocolate cake I had for midday snack, but guess what!? I wont give into those thoughts because I'm worth so much more than that! Throwing up won't get me anywhere. I'm in recovery for a reason, so purging is NOT an option!

BTW I have now crossed out 9 items of my fearfood list!
Maybe I'll post it here soon, just for me to look back to in the future and see how far I've gone from today, and ofc for you if you're interested :) 

p.s. I'm SUPER nervous about posting this photo, I don't like showing my thighs, but guess what Ana?! I will challenge you to the ground!

-M

Pictureday!

It feels like there's a mountain in my stomach, that's how anxious I am... We've got Pictureday today at school, so yeah, I'm dead.
Usually on classphotos, I look retarded. Some how the photographer chooses the pic that I am the only one not "perfect". Last year my eyes were closed and my smile was like when you're smiling and at that exact moment see a huge spider, so yeah, a terrified smile haha.
Wish me good luck!

*Foodgasm*

I haven't been as hungry as I've been today in a looooong time! It almost scares me how hungry I am haha. But I know that my body is craving the energy it needs, and face it, it haven't been getting much of it lately, due to my latest relapse, WHICH I'm almost over now! :-D

I hate relapses, but I love food! It's devilish how fantastic food can be, both in appearances and in taste! The pictures speak for themselves.

*Foodgasm* Here's what I ate for dinner, not nearly as fancy as those pictures, but it was tasty though!

Spaghetti with Swedish-meatball sauce

Born again

Today I haven't done much else than math and well, eat ;)
For breakfast I made banana and Cocos pancakes, for lunch I had leftover wok from yesterday's dinner and for midday snack I had chocolate cake which is one of my worst fearfoods, but I'm still alive ain't I? So I guess it wasn't too dangerous :)
For dinner I'm having Swedish meatballs and spaghetti, also a fearfood of mine, but I guess I'll survive that too :D
I'm feeling really motivated atm and it feels like I'm being born again!!
Love it!
-M

When a mental disorder takes over your life

When a mental disorder takes over your life, you just simply got to fight to get it back, because eventually it will take your life away. Maybe in the moment you are depressed that sounds pretty great. The thought of something taking your life away seems relieving. But in the moment you are NOT depressed, you can´t think of not being alive. Depression is like most other mental disorders, a disorder which you can recover from.  If you try hard enough, you will recover and learn to love life again. And when you’re recovered you will be thankful for being alive, I can promise you that.

When I was at my worst, I had pre-heart attack symptoms. I had chest pains and felt like there was a ton lying on my chest. I had constant back pain in my upper back, toothache and pain in my left arm, which are all known as pre-heart attack symptoms. I got help in time. Thankfully! I can‘t believe if I had gotten a heart attack, only 17 years old! 17 year old and a heart attack don‘t simply fit with each other.

An eating disorder CAN take your life away. No, you are not allowed to think that „nope, that won‘t happen to me, I‘m not sick enough“ because that´s bullshit. If you don‘t fight back, it WILL take your life away! And once it does, you can‘t get it back because, well, you´re dead. Everyone has their own struggles and have to fight through the day. If you want to live, you have got to fight twice as hard as them, because here we are talking about life or death.

 If you restrict, you can lose your life, even though you are categorized as “normal weighted”. If your body lacks nutrients and food in general over a long time, you can get serious complications which can lead to a tragic death. Reports of the 1981 hunger strike by political prisoners against the British presence in Northeast Ireland indicate that 10 individuals died after periods of between 46 and 73 days without food. Think! 46-73 days, that’s a pretty short time! You won’t survive much longer than that, and chances are that you won’t even survive that long!

My mom told me about a woman who worked out at her gym. She was there 24/7, usually on the skiing machine or the treadmill. She was thin, but not as thin as the pictures that come up on Google when you search for Anorexia (apropos, very few people who suffer from anorexia look that way). Nobody was fascinated or admired her of her stamina for running for hours. They looked at her and thought “poor lady”. Eventually they had to ban her from the gym. She was forced into several treatments, but once she was “better”, she came to the gym and was back to where she began, running or skiing for hours. Few months later, she died. She wasn't as thin as the anorexia pictures on the internet, but her body couldn't bare the restriction and over exercise any more. It gave up.  

That could be you. Think about it. Is this disorder gonna win, or are YOU going to win this fight? I bet on you.

I look forward to winter!

I'm freeeeeeeezing! Autumn is definetely here in Norway now. I like the autumn and I LOVE the winter, but when the houses are made of wood and are poorly isolated, it's not as much fun. I like to sleep in a warm bed and not wake up with a cold, but I guess that's not an option hehe. The radiators take a lot of electrizity, so we try as much as we can to not use them. But of course if it's too cold, we turn them on.

I can't wait till the snow is here. It makes everything so pretty and bright. It covers all the uglyness, the dead grass, the trash on the streets and etc. It makes the world look so beautiful.

The holidays make everyone in such a good mood, filled with excitement and niceness. That makes the holiday so much easier for people like me, the people who are depressed during christmas time. Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with my family and cuddle up in a blanket to watch a christmas movie which usually ends ridicoulsy beautifully, watching the snow falling outside the window and etc. But the food and too much sosialisation make me irritated and depressed, and probably because of former experiences arround christmas which I won't go further into.
But I look forward to it. It makes me happy and relaxed to see the pople I love be happy. It doesn't matter to me how I'm feeling, since I'm used to feeling this way.

My favourite quotes from Looking for Alaska

"The only way out of the labyrinth of suffering is to forgive."

"I may die young, but at least I'll die smart."

"At some point you just pull of the Band-Aid and it hurts, but then it's over and you're relieved"

"And then something invisible snapped inside her, and that wich had come together commenced to fall apart"
 a.k.a. my life

"That is the fear: I have lost something important and I cannot find it, and I need it. It's fear like if someone lost his glasses and went to the glasses store and they told him that the  world has run out of glasses and he would just have to do without."

"We need never be hopeless because we can never be irreperably broken."

"Scared isn't a good enough excuse. Scared is the excuse everyone has always used."

"When you stop wishing things wouldn't fall apart, you stop suffering when they do."
When I think of it, this one is so true! I really need to follow this quote more often.

"There are always answeres. We just have to be smart enough to find them."

"I go to seek a great perhaps"

And at last but not least, my favourite quote of all time
"Everything that comes together falls apart. Everything. The chair I'm sitting on. It was built, and so it will fall apart. I'm gonna fall apart, probably before this chair. And you're gonna fall apart. The cells and organs and systems that make you you - they came together, and so must fall apart. The Buddah knew one thing science didn't prove for millennia after his death: Entropy increases. Things fall apart."

- John Green, Looking for Alaska

You don't have to weigh 0 lbs to have a problem

I found this quote from the book Hope with eating disorders written by Lynn Crilly, on tumblr and I just HAD to post it here. It is so true! You don't have to weigh 0 lbs to have anorexia. You don't even have to be underweight to have it either! Your problem matters, no matter how much you weigh. Eating disorders are phsycological, not physical.

"The trend for ‘poorly pictures’, (which were advised against in a set of guidelines issued by Beat, the UK’s largest eating disorder charity, in 2010), can in reality prevent sufferers from seeking the help they need. We have been led to believe that if someone is a ‘normal’ weight, they cannot, by definition, have an eating disorder. Again, this isn’t always true.
“

We have all seen the headlines which scream ‘I weighed just 4 1/2 stone!’ These stories are usually accompanied by a picture of the subject, looking shockingly skeletal, in their underwear. As a result, many people believe that the most important symptom of anorexia is weight loss, and that the lower the sufferer’s weight, the more severe their issue. This isn’t necessarily true. Again, it is always crucial for you to bear in mind that anorexia is a mental illness, not a physical one.

What truly categorizes anorexia is obsession. To reach astonishingly low weights which are reported in the press, a sufferer would have required time, not to mention a fairly small frame and a high metabolic rate to begin with. Some people starve for years without physically reaching a weight which is perceived as an urgent problem by the medical community. Are they still anorexic? The answer is a resounding yes.

Using weight to diagnose anorexia is like seeing how far someone can walk before determining if they have a broken leg. It simply doesn’t take into account the issues at the source of the disorder.

”

—	‘Hope with Eating Disorders’, Lynn Crilly

 I haven’t been feeling particularly good since yesterday. But I won’t bore you with depressing anorexic thoughts, they’re not healthy and I know that. So ignoring those thoughts is the only thing I can do at this moment, or at least try my best to.

Health comes 1st!

I’m exhausted physically and mentally! I had a whole school-day today, from 8 to 15:30, so I wasn’t at home from 7 to 16:30. A looooooong day! Thursdays will be the only whole day (7,5 hours) at school from now on since I’ve decided to take “high school” (don’t know what to call it, it’s 11th, 12th and 13th grade) over 4 years instead of 3. It’s sad, but I hope it will help me to not get a nervous breakdown like last year. This way I can pay more attention to the subjects I have than I else would be able to.

 I’m starting with cutting only one subject out of my schedule and then I’ll just have to see how thing goes.
If you’re wondering what subjects I have, I’m in chemistry, biology, Norwegian, history, entrepreneurship and science math. The subject I cut out, or well, I will have it during next year or the extra year, is physics. And yeah, I’m supposed to have PE as well, but I’m not allowed to L

It’s sad to not be going to university at the same time as everyone in my class, but it’s the best considering the situation. Health comes 1st, school second!  If you don’t have health, you can’t be at school as much or get good grades. That’s just logical, isn’t it? Health is the foundation of almost everything, or when I think of it, pretty much everything.

Take good care of yourself and you will be able to take care of the rest of your life.

The university I'll be attending in 2 years :) 

New in and homemade crispbread

Today I bought something I've been longing for for a looong time: a quote book, aka. a book to write down my favourite quotes in. I'm in love!... NOOOOO! I just saw that there's a typo on the cover!! Now I don't and can't love it as much :( But I can make that up by writing the most beautiful quotes in it :)

Walk with the dreamers, the believers, the courageous, the cheerful, the planners, the doers, the successful people with their heads in the clouds and their feet on the ground. Let their spirit ignite a fire within you to leave this world better then when you found it. 

I made homemade crispbread earlier today, looks and tastes super good AND it's super healthy as well! A lots of seeds, no sugar and it's completely gluten free. Yummy in my tummy.

I can't think of anything creative to name this post

My bestfriend said to me today : I'm so hungry! But I won't eat because... Eeeh..I shouldn't say why" but she continued anyway : " I want to lose weight"¨

My first thought was "Well THANK YOU very much!!" She knows about my Ana and how much she affects my daily life now since I'm fighting her as well as I can, but still she just had to finish that sentence.
I didn't answer her. What she said gave Ana an energy-kick so I couldn't answer since me and Ana were fighting about wether she (ana) is right about no food = beauty, weightloss and happiness or I am right about healthy food = healthy body.

My mind constantly shifts between thinking "I'm right" and "Ana is right". Unfortunately Ana is stronger during schoolhours, probably because of an old habit of not being allowed by her(Ana) to bring food with me and not realizing that there was something wrong with it.

About my bestfriend, I'm devestated that she has those thoughts. No one should go through them and I sure hope my struggle doesn't negatively affect her. I wouldn't say that she has an ED, those are just typical teenage thoughts, especially here in Norway. Everyone, and by that I mean literally EVERYONE is obsessed with diets, fitness and weightloss. Not weird considering how the Norwegian community is. Every other commercial is about weightloss and diets. No joke.
That's only making my recovery process even easier...not.

And just to have said it: she did eat an icecream 15 minutes later. Thank God! 

Sorry for the depressing post, just had to let it out

People of the library

Yesterday, at the library, I saw many different people with many different stories. Everything from happy little children to an old man watching porn.
The old man was seriously watching porn in the middle of the library! It wasn't like it was just for a moment, he was watching when I came and he was still watching when I left.
He must have been lonely, alone at the library watching porn all day long. Fun.

When I had found the book I wanted to read (of mice and men by Steinbeck), I found a place to sit at a big table with at least 8 chairs around it. At the other side was an old man sitting, just staring into nothing. He looked lonely, and he probably was. It broke myheart. I was about to say hi to him to hopefully cheer him up a bit and chat, but then it looked like he fell asleep or at least he rested his eyes. But the next time I see him I'll definitely say at least hi!
In another corner sits a man, always the same man, at the same table, at the same time. He is always there. His back is crooked and his hair dirty, but still finely combed backwards. His eyes look a bit like lizards eyes and nothing goes past him, he sees everything. He sits with a bunch of handwritten documents and looks through them regularly when he thinks no one's looking.

I want to get to know their stories, maybe not the porn mans story because well, he was gross..  but the other two! I think they have a very interesting, beautiful, sad and exciting stories to tell, that deserve to be let out to the world.
I want get to know them, and hopefully make them feel less lonely.
Next time I see them, I'll try to approach them and chat.
I can't seem to get them out of my head

Wide awake

I am wide awake and it’s almost midnight... That wouldn´t sound bad if I didn´t have to get up at 5:30 am to get ready for school. My bus leaves at 7 and I have to shower, eat breakfast and pack a lunch bag, and well to say it mildly: it takes time. Making and packing food for school is extremely hard for me, heh not weird considering I can’t even manage to eat it elsewhere than in the bathroom. Not good, I know :/ But I will work on that J

Of course when I can’t sleep, the internet decides to fail on me...  I’ve been trying to listen to Asleep by The Smiths for quite some time now, but it always stops. Extremely fun!

Why am I awake? I got a pretty good reason for that.
1. Maybe it is because I fell asleep for almost 3 hours after I came home from school today.
2. Maybe it’s because I had a major anxiety attack and I’m still kind of tense mentally and physically. 3. I’m anxious for tomorrow and all the challenges tomorrow will bring.
Or 4., a combination of all the options.
I go for the 4^th alternative.

My day tomorrow looks like this:
5:30 am wake up, shower, eat breakfast, pack lunch and get ready for school
7:00 am take the bus to school
8:00 am 3,5 hours math
11:30 am Eat lunch with my dear best friend
12:00 am/pm Take the bus to town
Somewhere between 13 and 15 I got a meeting with my psychologist. After that I’m going to go to the town’s library to read and look through books, and of course: get some great free internet since it sucks here at home ;)

I just finished reading Looking for Alaska by John Green, AND WHAT A BOOK!!! I’m literally in love! If you haven’t read it, you’ve have to read it. It’s one of those books almost everyone has to read! Of course if you don’t want to, you don’t have to. But I recommend you to read it. After reading it I can feel that something has changed within me. It’s weird. The way I look at the world is different then before. In the beginning of the book it’s just like any other youth literature, but the last part:  OMG!
How can one man write so nicely?! It’s like he isn’t a human, but a man that lives within every single one of us. He writes what everyone’s thinking, combines our thoughts and puts them in contrast with each other. He really makes you think while you read his books. You get to know yourself the more you read his literature. Before I read Looking for Alaska, I didn’t have a clue what my point in being alive was; I mean, why am I here? Why am I exactly me? And who am I? Where would I go if I wasn’t here? How had the world reacted to my loss if I had accomplished suicide some months ago?
After reading it I get it. I have a clue of who I am and why I am here. It’s like I found one of the missing puzzle pieces I´ve been looking for for so long. Now I just have to find the rest. 

Well, my song is fully loaded (FINALLY!)
Good night, sleep tight and don’t let the bed bugs bite! 

Tough time and snack

My evening snack for tonight is an organic Superfruit raw food bar. Delicious!
Ana has been really tough on me today and I'm about to give up, but I wont. I wont let myself to give up now when I've come so far. I will recover sometime, and if I give up now, the next time I try recovery it will be A LOT harder. It's hard enough now, so no, I won't give up!
-M

Lunch time

It's lunch time now and I actually brought food with me! And I'm eating it! I'm quite impressed since Ana doesn't like food and eating at school, but I didn't let her control me. It's MY body and MY decisions, not hers.
Todays lunch consists of a wholegrain non wheat bread with creme frés (?), an egg and a bit oregano and lemon pepper. For dessert I'm having 2 pieces of my raw vegan brownie (recipe in an earlier post)

Haters gonna hate

It’s unbelievable how ugly some people can be, and by that I don’t mean in appearances. You can be world’s most beautiful person alive in appearances, but inside you can be the ugliest person that has ever lived. 

The things people allow themselves to say are horrible. They break people down. Destroys that little self-esteem they’ve spent months or even years building up, and leaves them with nothing.

I’ve heard plenty of incredibly offensive things about me, personality and appearances. Right now, I don’t get why they said those things. They seem so incorrect and stupid. But at the time  they were said, they were the only truth. It didn’t matter if anyone told me otherwise. My classmates and other people at school said those things; they must have meant them, because why would they else say them? Whatever anyone else tried to say against it, they only said it to be nice. But there I was wrong.

I have never been fat or overweight, but still that was what I got to hear regularly from my fellow classmates. Why? I don’t know. 

I’ve always been extremely insecure about my body. At 5 years old all I wanted was to get a fat sucking operation to get rid of my chubby thighs. I hated them. I always have. I WAS 5 YEARS OLD!! I was still in kindergarten! Hadn’t even started in 1^st grade!

My 5th birthday

Then when I started in 1^st grade I got bullied because I was so “fat”. I remember people begging me to compete with them about who was thinner, and of course they were all small boned girls. Then because I didn’t want to participate or lost, they laughed. I was 6 years old!
This continued for a while + I got bullied because of my short temperament. When I think of it, of course I had short temperament! I was hurt, extremely hurt and down broken. I wasn’t able to communicate with words, because I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t understand it and like I said: I was hurt. They ran after me, took my hat and threw it between themselves and in puddles. They splashed water on me, pushed me, pulled my hair and commented my body. That was in 1-4^th grade. Can you imagine? 6-9 year old children? There was even a boy in 7^th grade that participated in those horrible things. He was the worst. He tried multiple times to break my arm, and he wasn’t far away from doing so. I didn’t want to go to school and when I did, I came home crying, every single time.

Teachers didn’t do anything. All me and my mom got to hear was that I offered them to do those things. That it was reasonable that they did what they did. That broke me completely down to the ground. I was 9 years old…

9 year old Spicegirls fan

After 4^th grade we moved so I could start in a better school. Things didn’t get any better. The bullying continued, not only from fellow classmates, but also from two guys and a girl in 9^th grade.  9^TH GRADE! Can you believe it?!?

What makes 15 year old teenagers think it’s ok to bully a 10 year old??  Where do they get that logic from? Well to put it that way: School didn’t do much this time either. They too said that it was reasonable that they did what they did, considering what kind of homes they came from and etc.
That is NOT a good enough excuse to ruin someone’s life!  Nothing is

This continued and in 8^th grade I could count on one hand the times I had been invited to birthday parties, out to play or other social occasions.  I blamed myself. What else could I do? That was all I got to here; that it was my fault. I considered suicide all the time, non-stop. Not only in 8^th grade, but in 1^st grade as well. In 8^th grade I officially developed Anorexia Nervosa, not weird considering, right?

Broken down 8th grader

 It wasn't till now that I opened my eyes and saw that none of those things were my fault. But I can’t not think about why they did what they did to me and not to the girl besides me. Why me? I guess it was better that I was the victim than anyone else, because I wouldn't want anyone to experience being bullied like that. 2 different schools, 8 years, and nothing changed.
The bullied continued after I moved to ANOTHER country after 8^th grade. Can you believe it? No, neither can I.

What would it take to make them stop? Did I have to disappear from the surface of the earth? What did they want?!

I bearly got through 10th grade. In short terms: countless suicide attempts, suicide thoughts, self-harm, eating disorder, overdoses, medicine, exhausted, self-hate, friendless, depression, anxiety and untreated Bipolar.

Hopeless trying to convince myself it would be ok. That evening I overdosed.

Now I see what they wanted. All they wanted was to see someone be more miserable than they were. My mom always told me that they were jealous of me because they weren’t as smart, beautiful, fantastic and nice as I was. I never believed her. But now I think she was somewhat right. They were jealous. And when I think of it, none of those bullies were nearly as good at school as I was, as fast readers or good at math. They didn’t get good grades, but I didn’t even have to practice for a test and still get an A. In 3^rd grade I was in 7^th grade math and read books 7^th graders read. They must have been jealous. They had to put everything they had in getting a C and then saw that I didn’t have to do anything to get an A, and they got jealous. It makes sense, right?

Don’t EVER find excuses for those who bully/bullied you or your loved ones! No excuse is good enough for ruin someone’s life! Don’t even try to blame yourself, because you are not the problem, they are. They are jealous of how fantastic, beautiful, nice, smart and funny you are! They thrive on seeing someone they consider better than them be miserable. That’s why they talk behind your back, teas and bully you.
I’ve always been told to answer hate with love. So whenever someone isn’t kind to you, simply turn around and say that you love them too, and walk away. They’re not worth your time. They’re not even worth looking at. Tell them that you love them too, and they will get so surprised that they back off. Believe me, I tried it and it worked!

Smile to your haters and never EVER blame yourself!