Will I ever get thin enough?

Will I ever be thin enough? Is it even possible?
I have realized that I will never be thin enough. I will never be happy with my body. I won't get thin enough, at least not in this body, that's for sure. Maybe if I suck in my organs and crush my ribs, press my body flat with the surface and cut it into pieces, I'll be thin enough. Maybe THEN I'll be satisfied.
At this moment I satisfy myself with sucking in my organs as much as possible, even though that's not good enough. Nothing is good enough. Ever.

People stare and people talk. Some of them know about me, others don't. They stare at me, thinking I'm too fat to be in public, too damn disgusting. I just keep staring at the ground. I won't look them in the eye. I'm too ashamed. I just wan't to disappear from the surface of the earth. Why can't the earth swallow me? In one piece, please.

Some people look at me with sympathy and empathy in their eyes. I don't like it. The "poor you" look. I hate it. I'm not "poor me", I'm not even sick. Well OK, I have a disorder, but there are so many others in the world that have it much worse. Spare your "poor you" looks for them, they deserve them, I don't. I really don't.

-M

Motivation

This disorder cuts pretty much everything out of your life. Your energy, your happiness, your health etc. It cuts pretty much all your abilities to enjoy life, your life. Your only chance of living. Your only chance to experience swimming with dolphins, watching the sunset from every corner of the world, learn to surf, scubadive in the Great Barrier reef, get married, go on a honeymoon, have children, do charity, make a career and leave a footprint after yourself here on earth. Either it is in form of descendants and in the heart of people you've met and you'll meet in the future, or in history. You can do whatever you want! you have all doors and windows open! Except if you drop out now. Then all chances of ever experiencing real happiness are thrown out the window, wich is closed afterwards. Starving yourself will lead to those chances disappearing. Yes, it will lead to death or so serious  medical complications that you won't be able to live your life.

Hold on, stay strong and all this kind of bullshit, because I believe in you and you CAN do this! 
-M

"Just get better"

When will people understand that people with eating disorders can't "just eat", "just stop counting calories"or "just stop weighing yourself". It isn't that easy. It's much more complicated than that.

You're afraid of spiders? well get over it. Oh you can't?  why can't you just hold a spider? it's not that hard, just do it.
No exactly! you would freak out because you are afraid of spiders, and therefor won't hold one.

An eating disorder is similar to that. We struggling with an ED are afraid of food. Food and nutrition freaks us out. It's not something we made up. It's something our brain has done to us with out us knowing. It's a mess up with chemicals in our brains. It's a disorder, a disease.

You wouldn't say to a cancer patient :" just get better" like he/she would be able to control it. The same goes for eating disorders and other mental disorders. We can't "just get better".
-M

Reasons

I've been reading some articles about phases and how to succeed in recovery. After reading them I understand much more about my disorder. I might say that I "discover" it in a whole new way. I'm closer to accepting my problems, but still not quite there. I mean, I don't look like an anorexic person, not at all! But the disease is in my brain, where no one can see it. Not even me. That's what makes it so hard to accept. You can't go to a doctor, and just by one look he can give you a diagnosis. It isn't that easy. It's a looooooong process, which seems to never end.

Here is a really good article, which explains pretty much everything about restrictive eating disorders, but mainly focuses on recovery in general. There are really good tips and information about the different phases, causes, and how to get the best possible results of your recovery. Highly recommended! 

-M

I wish

Over the last 3 and a half months, I've been in a hospital all in all for 2 whole months.
Is this a life? No, not at all.
I want to live a as normal life as possible. I want to be able to eat what I want, when and where ever I want. I want to enjoy myself. Be confident and strong. But I ain't and I can't.
No matter how much I swing between wanting to recover and not accepting that I have a problem, I'll never be normal. Despite progresses and hard working, the Ana will always be dwelling beneath the surface. Even though at times I won't notice her, she'll be there and I'll have to be extra careful to not wake her up. Everything, anything and nothing can trigger her.

What's going through my mind right now

Could be triggering

I don‘t know what to say. I don‘t know what I want. I do not accept it, not right now. I don‘t want to. I'm too fat to have Anorexia. But I know. I know what‘s happening. I know what‘s wrong, but I don‘t accept it.  This isn't happening to me, it can‘t, I'm too fat.  I‘m not struggling. I am fine. I‘m managing.

I just want to reach my goal. A specific number. I will reach it. I have to. I‘ve destroyed too much of my process to “perfection“ . I will be able to stop when I‘ve reached my goal. I promise. Just let me reach it and then I can get better. Only 5 more kg. Then I can stop. Or, no, 10 kg.  10 kg and I’m happy.

I’m so irritated and mad. Irritated and mad at myself.  I didn’t want to go to the hospital. I didn’t want to be admitted. My family and doctors forced me to. I know it is to help me get better, and I’m glad for everything everyone has done for me during this process.  But I’m not sure I want to get better. Only few more kg and I can get better, if it involves not gaining weight.
If I gain weight (which I haven’t), I’ll freak out. I weigh myself at least 5 times a day and that’s only a minimum.  I have to see if I can allow myself to eat or not, but I end up eating either way because I’m forced to.  

I get fatter and fatter by every bite I swallow and that’s pathetic. I’m pathetic.  Pathetic because I eat and pathetic because of this voice that takes over. Everything about this is pathetic.

Calories, calories, calories. I’m being eaten up inside and out of the thought of them.

But I’m trying to fight those thoughts. I listen to everything people tell me, but it’s hard to believe those unbelievable sweet things they're saying to me because the voice saying the exact opposite , over powers them. 

I have so many wrong beliefs and misunderstands when it comes to food and nutrition... all on purpose. I can’t sort the logic thoughts from the sick ones. They take over all logic and what’s left is a mindset of thoughts that I fail at controlling. Thoughts that are negative all the way. Destructive and overwhelming thoughts.
I try to turn them around. I fight them as hard as I can, there is if I discover them or get reminded of how wrong they are.

I actually get more and more closed up each passing day. I feel that everyone is trying to make me fat. I’m eating and I feel fatter and look fatter. Even though the scale doesn't show a difference, I can see it in the mirror.

I know that almost every thought that’s written here is wrong. I do know. But I’m stuck in this confusing set of thoughts. I’m tired. So very tired of this disorder which I swing between accepting and not accepting. I wish it hadn't gotten to this point. I wish I had turned around when I had the chance. When it was easier. It was a unintentional decision that I wish I hadn't made.

- 

         -M 

(Pictures from Weheartit.com)

Consequences

There are more negative sides to eating disorders than there are positive.
Some of the consequences you'll be dealing with if you get an eatingdisorder (especially anorexia or ednos with anorexic tendencies):

• You get soft, light, hair all over your body (lanugo) due to your body isn't getting enough energy to keep you warm. You'll feel like a monkey.
• Cold. You are constantly cold! When your friends are wearing shorts, you'll be wearing trousers and a hoddie and STILL be freezing.
• Constipation. It's awful. It makes your stomach and tarms comepletely blown up. You don't have to use the toilet for weeks, wich is pretty ok, but it only fucks up your body up even more. It hurts so much when they begin working again. Not worth it! 
• Loss of self-esteem. Extreme loss of self-esteem. You start to criticize every little inch of your body. Even though you weigh ridiculously little, you still feel and see yourself as a obese person. It's tiring to never be satisfied with your body. I would like to try that once.
• Shame. Shame of your looks. Shame of your disorder. Shame of not dealing with it well. Shame of dealing with it (eating). Shame of this and shame of that. I could continue for at least 5 whole pages. You literally get ashamed of everything! 
• Loss of energy. You like to play football? You like to go for a run? or hang out with friends? Well, if you want an eating disorder, you can kiss those interests goodbye now. You won't have the energy to do any of them if you begin restricting or starve yourself, so why bother? 
• Loss of social life. If you're thinking about beginning to restrict, or begin on a ridiculous diet, you can as well say goodbye to your social life now. Because before you know of it, you'll be sitting alone in your bedroom every night and every day, completely isolated.

You still want to restrict or starve yourself? 
Well here's a list of other consequences:

• The heart muscle changes, and its beat becomes irregular, potentially leading to cardiac arrest and death.
• Dehydration, kidney stones, and kidney failure may result in death.
• Liver damage (made worse if substance abuse is also a factor) may result in death.
• Menstruation often stops, even before extensive weight loss. This is called amenorrhea and can lead to infertility and bone loss or osteoporosis.
• Muscles waste away, resulting in weakness and loss of function.
• Permanent loss of bone calcium leads to fractures and lifelong problems of osteoporosis.
• The person becomes intolerant to cold (especially in the hands and feet), and has sunken eyes, hair loss, bloating, and dry skin.
• The immune system weakens.
• Skin becomes dry and blotchy and has an unhealthy gray or yellow cast.
• Anemia and malnutrition may result.
• Fainting spells, sleep disruption, bad dreams, and mental fuzziness may result.

Don't think that "this won't happen to me", because believe me, it does.

I hope you've changed your mind, because it really isn't worth it. Your life isn't supposed to be spent in weakness and sickness. You should live your life when you have the chance! You got that chance and you should grab it before it's to late! Not everyone has that chance. Appreciate it and enjoy it!
-M

Relapses

Reapses are the hardest part of recovery. I'm having a relapse now and I really can't see what all this fuss is about. I'm not sick. Not even a little bit...
That's my Ana talking, and I know I shouldn't listen to her. But it's hard. Really hard. Harder then anything I've ever done before.
I fight it everyday. The thoughts, the tendencies and the "voice" that's constantly saying something negative about me in my head. Especially when I'm eating and afterwards. It's Ana. Destructive, down breaking and disgusting voice that has taken over my life.
Because of her, I've become overly concious of my body, ridiculously insecure and over the top hard on myself.
I have to remind myself constantly of that during recovery, there will be relapses, but I can't give up. After a relapse, there's recovery. I just have to fight. And I'm not losing, even though I have relapses. I'm losing if I give up during relapses. And I'm not going to lose this war!
-M

Be careful what you wish for

Well, with this blog I want people to get to know how it is to battle an eating disorder.
Many teenage girls these days wish they had an eating disorder, especially Anorexia, and that's so wrong! Just because they want to be thin, they are ready to set their life in danger. They look at pictures of anorexics and admire them because they´ve got thigh-gap and collarbones. They don't know what the consequences are, and that's why I'm starting this blog. So some of them can read about the consequences from someone that has been there. Experienced it. And not just some psychologist that counts up the symptoms.

Teenage girls and boys (and adults), simply don't know what they're getting themselves into because the society has gone crazy of appearance-obsession. It's ridiculous!
This is living hell, and I wish that it didn't turn out this way for me.
I want to be able to save someone out there from this nightmare, because no one deserves to go through this living hell.

Being hospitalized 4 times in 4 months is not fun. Being forced to eat and drink is not something you want. The loss of independence and control is embarrassing. And most of all, battling you own thoughts every minute of everyday is the hardest thing you'll ever have to do! 

So do NOT begin restricting, count calories, weigh yourself everyday or even worry about your weight, because, honey, it takes a hell of a lot of energy, strength, time and work to fight back when the Demon (ED) has taken over your life. It's a 1000x harder to get back up, than it was falling down. 

You are beautiful! Everyone is beautiful in their own way! Inside and out! Don't EVER forget that! 

 - M

A little bit about me

A little bit about me:

I'm a 17 year old girl battling Anorexia Nervosa.
I´ve had an eating disorder since I was 14 years old, and first now I'm getting a proper treatment. 

I wish I had never gone down this road. I wish I could enjoy a chocolate cake or sweets once in a while, but the destructive thoughts are unbearable afterwards. You DO NOT want to experience those thoughts! Trust me, they´re hell! 

I´m working myself towards a full recovery. It´s a long process, and I think it will be interesting to follow it. If not for some people out there, then for myself to look back to. I hope this blog will help me through hard days and relapses.

Peace out!

- M