Day 26

Eating disorders often come hand in hand with social anxiety and or depression. Start 1 conversation today with someone you don’t normally speak to. How did it go?

I don't really have that much of a social anxiety. I have some, yes, but I am not suffering from it as I've learned to push through it like everything else.

What is Ana doing to you?

I was with my psychology specialist yesterday and she really made me think. What is it that I am trying to achieve? What is it my eating disorder wants me to achieve?
      I did not need to think for long. Of course it is to be thinner, better and more beautiful. That is all I have ever wanted to achieve. Do I want to be perfect? Eh YES. Of course do I want to be perfect, who doesn't?
     But when will I achieve perfectness? I’ll be perfect when I am thin, beautiful and good enough.
     When will I achieve being “beautiful enough”? I answered: when people will notice me.
     When will I be “thin enough”? I answered: when I can see that it is enough.

That is a dangerous thought don’t you think? Measuring myself by my distorted thoughts. Will I ever achieve those goals? There is a quite simple answer to that: Nope. The thinner I’ll get, the higher the standards get. Achieving “perfectness” is undoable. It is impossible. Just like when I made myself a goal weight and said: “when I will be x kg, I’ll be satisfied”. But what happened when I got to that weight? “Just five more kg and I’ll be happy” that’s what happened. And that is how it continued, and would have continued till I disappeared, if I had not been stopped. The standards got higher as the weight got lower. 

While Ana (Anorexia Nervosa) is making you want to achieve perfectness (which is not achievable), she is actually dragging you as far away from it as possible. It is different from person to person what ‘perfect’ is, but it most often goes on appearances (hair, eyes, smile, face, body and such things). As well as wanting you to achieve her standards of ‘beauty’ and ‘perfect’, she is dragging you down with her, not letting you eat, making you restrict, making you feel guilty and making you completely paranoid. By doing like she says, you won’t reach her standards. Not only because they are unreachable, but also because you destroy your body. 
Your smile disappears and her empty look comes instead. The glimpse in your eyes that once exampled your joy and happiness will be long gone and replaced by a sad glimpse of tears. Your beautiful hair that used to flax in the wind will fall out in clumps and your skin gets dry like a desert. The life as you know it collapses. You won’t be yourself anymore, you will be her. But what is she? Who is Ana?  

We all have different opinion on her and we all experience her differently. She is not the same for anyone. No two Ana’s can be compared to each other. 

For me she is bossy. She’s a bully. Her voice is the voices of my bullies that are constantly on repeat in my head. She is every bad word in the dictionary. She never lets me catch a break and take a deep breath. But she is also a friend. She is a friend that has been there for me for a long time. When I felt alone and forgotten, she was there telling me that everything will be OK, as long as I lost a few pounds. She assured me that everything would be OK, if only I would drop lunch. She assured me that starving myself would make me feel a lot better and people would start liking me. But as the time went by she got stronger. She told me to disappear. To be so small that no one could see me anymore, because no one noticed me either way. I was a wallflower, and she told me I could as well be dead. That it would not make a difference for the world if I wasn’t present. She is a mean ‘little’ devil sitting on my shoulder, criticizing my every move. 
 Even though my heart was beating (and still is), I wasn't alive. She took my life away and replaced me with herself. I might have been called M, but in my head M’s thoughts didn’t matter. I was lost. I am first now finding myself again, even though I get lost once in awhile, I fight to find me again. And that is what matters. 

What is common with every Ana out there is that nothing she says is true, she’s a liar. Even though she tells you that what she says is the truth and nothing but the truth, she is lying. She couldn’t be more wrong. She is a murderer that comes uninvited into your life and does everything to see you suffer. She manipulates you with her sneaky ways to think that she is your friend, when everything she is, is your worst enemy that doesn’t want you anything good. And if you don’t fight, she will eventually kill you. Take your life away and put it nicely on her shelf as an award among so many other awards. Too many other awards. She keeps an ever going list of records over life she has succeeded with snapping away from innocent human beings with her sneaky ways. All you can do is fight. Fight till she disappears into the corner, scared and afraid of the strong, fantastic soldier you have become. You got to keep going and be a hell of a soldier that does not let a criminal like Ana boss him around! Fight like you have never fought before, that is the only thing that works!

Gotta love Ellen Degeneres

I do not need

I do not need
empty stomachs,
shrinking skin,
children’s clothing,
or dropping numbers;

I do not need
icy hands,
sunken eyes,
falling hair,
or jutting bones;

I do not need
distant thoughts,
blacked out vision,
hospital beds,
or a dying pulse.

I do not need validation:

I do not need
to die again
to be deserving of
coming back to life.

Positive outlook on what is left to come

I like writing my pain away. Why you may ask?
Well, it is relieving, it calms me down, it makes me see things from another perspective, I get to know myself much better by reading what I write, and at last but not least: I get to read it later in life and see how much I've grown and how far I've come from being really ill. I sure hope that sometime in the future I can look back and think how thankful I am for not being in that place anymore. Because I am sooooo done with being this way!
I want to be healthy, I want to be normal, I want to be able to stick to plans and not backing out because of fright, suicidal behaviors, destructive thoughts, purging, low energy, having to exercise, chest pains, depression, panic attacks or the bipolar being in action (which it always is, but sometimes it is hyper active).

I want to say good bye to my ED and all the other mental illnesses for good. I am working my way towards that, and someday, sometime I will be able to proudly declare that I in fact am HEALTHY!

I have an appointment with an ED specialist on Tuesday and I can't wait! She is so nice and I really think that she will be able to help me. I don't know if I've written about her before, but she comes all the way from the city (1 hour away) just to talk to me! That is so unreal for me! I've till now, been the patient that no one really cares about. That doesn't get informed when her appointment has to be reschedule (happened to me once, and I had traveled with bus for more than half an hour just to be informed that my therapist was sick... and yeah, that sucked) or everyone, and by that I mean EVERYONE she talks to get's sick or don't have enough time for her... But now, there is a psychologist actually interested in ME! I can't believe that!! FINALLY am I going to get the help I need here in Norway!!!

I am scared of what's coming, but I am so excited as well. Such a weird combo, but I know that I am going to make the appointments with her matter. Not just sit there silently, not willing to open myself up and talk openly about Ana.

Right now, my Ana thoughts are so strong. She is telling me that  I shouldn't eat anything because I have to be "sick enough" to deserve the help I'm getting. That I should restrict and not give a damn about what anyone thinks of that. That I have to be thin, thin as a skeleton to deserve being helped. But you know what I do to concur this *bitch* ? I challenge the hell out of her! Brownie, coffee cake, hot chocolate, chocolate, pizza, apple pie, ice cream and other things have been stuffed down her throat the past 3 days, and I am pretty damn proud of that :) Even though she is mad and making me feel miserable, I know that it is her, the disorder, not me. I am gonna write another post about those thoughts soon

Day 25

What are your ‘fear foods’? I CHALLENGE you to eat one today. Dare you. Do it.

• pastry (cakes included)
• Full fat items
• Sugary items, full sugar items and sugar in general  
• Not diet or light sodas/squash
• Juice
• Fruits except frozen berries (stupid, I know...), especially the ones where 100 g have more than 100 kcals. 
• Ice cream
• Smoothie
• Bread things, especially if it's not whole wheat or whole grain bread
• Sweets, except milk and brown chocolate (not more than 100g through the day!), white chocolate is still a fear
• Oil and butter
• Sauces
• None diet hot chocolate
• Beef
• Minced meat
• Meats on bread
• Chocolate cereals and cereals with sugar like Frosties
• Cheese, but not cheese spread
• Pasta
• And some other stuff I can't think of right now.

This is a terribly long list, in fact this list shouldn't consist of any item! I'm terribly sorry if this triggers anyone of you! But you have to know that this is NOT healthy! This is NOT "cool" or "fabulous". Having fearfoods won't do you any good! It makes you miserable. Be afraid of some innocent food item takes away so much of you time. The worries, the fright and the isolation that comes with it consume your life. Be strong and challenge your eating disorder!

Day 23

Day 23 apparently got lost somewhere on the way, but better late than never right?

List 2 positive things that happened to you today
- I'm gonna tell you about Friday, because I think that this post was supposed to be published then (?) 

1. My mom didn't wake me up and stayed at home with me because I was nowhere near being in good enough shape to survive the day by myself after a major breakdown the evening before. 
2. We went Christmas shopping, bought some stuff to make our living room perfect, went to a cafe and I had a normal hot chocolate WITH full fat cream AND white chocolate sprinkles (!!!!!!!) and like that wasn't enough, I also had a glorious brownie WITH cream!!! My mom had almost the same, except she had a mocha instead of chocolate. It was completely spontaneous and a HUGE step for me. I didn't even regret it. 

I love my mum so much, don't know what I would do without her!

Day 24

Where were you in terms of your eating disorder 6 months ago? Describe how you’ve changed.

6 months ago was May 2013 and I was inpatient due to chronic suicidal thoughts, suicidal actions, bipolar disorder and panic anxiety disorder. I was struggling, but not anything compared to how it got the month after. I had it under control. I had so many 'more serious' things to fight through everyday that my mind was really far away from ... everything really. I lived in my own head. I can't remember anything from this time other than terrible, destructive thoughts that I'd rather live without having to experience them. 
Now I am recovering from those things. Since 17th of June, I've been recovering on my own and it has gotten much better. But then again, my ED has gotten waaaaaaay worse...

Day 22

Describe your goals for your future. 

I want to be happy. I want to be healthy. At the moment, that are my main goals, because if I'm happy AND healthy I can do mostly anything I can ever dream of. I want to be able to go to a university in England, live in a big city, travel, have kids, adopt a kid, have enough money to take my kids on a huge trip to africa for a year, homeschool them while I work as a vulenteer and etc etc and etc. Those are my dreams, something I work towards in life, but as you can see, those dreams won't happen for the next 3 years or so, but I can work towards them, right?
My short time goals are: 

• Be able to travel to Germany or Scotland with my class (I didn't get to go to the Netherlands with them) 
• Be able to enjoy the time I get in February with my ultimate worlds best friend. He is coming to visit me and I am so excited!!! 
• Be able to travel to Tenerife with my family in the Easters 2014, AND enjoy it! 
• Get mostly A's in school (only few B's are allowed ;) ) 

I'm freezing my ass off right now. I'm so cold that I can't even do schoolwork. I'm laying besides the radiator, and still am I freezing. What is up with that?
I love wintertime, but I don't look forward to this winter weather wise... I'm freezing now and it is +degrees outside, how will it be when the temperature is around -10 or even -20 degrees? Yeah, I know what you're thinking. I'll die!

I'm staying home from school today because I am in a huge relapse and I really have to use all my time and efforts to get back on track. I hate this stupid, annoying, hating, terrifying disorder. I want to be free,  free like a bird!

There is no one else than me, myself and I, I have to recover for. I have to recover because I want to, not because others want me too. Even though that's a big plus, I won't be able to recover if I don't want to myself. I can wish all I want, but wishing isn't enough. I have to put those wishes into actions. And if I want to be able to put those wishes into actions, I have to put all my time and efforts into it.

I want to gain my life back. I want to enjoy life and enjoy living. I am sick and tired of this so called 'life'. I want to be normal, once in for all. Even though I'll never be completely normal (if there is such a thing) I want to be a little closer to it than 500000000 miles away like I am now.

Why does this have to be so hard?
I'm finally getting a specialist to talk to, and I'll meet her on Tuesday. I deeply hope that it will work because I am desperate. I need to be able to concur this illness. It has taken up way too much of my life!

Day 21

Who has been the biggest contributor of your recovery in your life? Explain.

My biggest contributor must be my mama, though grandma is a tough runner up!
My mommy is always there for me. She takes care of me, wipes my tears away, hugs me when everything around me is collapsing, keeps reassuring me that I can do this, and at last but not least: she loves me, she always has, even though I've been a really tough child to raise, considering all my problems and challenges. Even though I've lost my temperature and been really unfair and mean to her, she still sticks around, even when everyone left. I love her so much and I couldn't do this without her.

Day 20

 I feel eating disorders have somehow been glamorized. Explain your opinion on this.
You have probably seen those 'pro-ana', 'pro mia' or 'thinspo' pictures, IG accounts, Tumblr accounts and even facebook sites and blogs. It is horrible, disgusting and sad. It is sad that teenagers out there look at anorexics and think: "omg, her legs are perfect!" "I want a thighgap like that!" "I wish my ribcase was as visible as hers". It is so sad that I get tears in my eyes just by thinking about it. We who suffer don't wish for this illness. It is an ILLNESS, a mental ILLNESS, not a body shape or perfection. It is an illness! It comes with an unmeasurable amount of pain, suffering and sadness. I can't describe all the feelings that pass my head after meals. I suffer in silence for a whole day just by eating breakfast. I restrict sometimes, and I am NOT proud of it because all it does is destroy my body even more. Not giving your body the nutrients and amount of energy it needs to function on daily bases is NOT cool. It is sad. It is sad that you feel like you can't eat lunch because you'll get fat. That is such a bullshit! Your body NEEDS food, it NEEDS energy, it NEEDS nutrients. So eat that god damn brownie or sandwich or cupcake or what ever you want because your body NEEDS it! Screw the 'thigh gap' because it doesn't exist. It is something we humans have made up thinking that it is the sign of a healthy, fit, beautiful body. But you know what? It is so NOT healthy. Unless it is natural for your body to have the 'thigh gap', but that is not something anyone should be working towards if it isn't normal for their body. Every body has its own healthy weight, a wheight where it your body is happy, healthy, functions properly and it is natural for it to stay at. No one will gain forever (unless you eat 5000+ kcal a day). If you eat properly and healthy, you will gain till you are at a healthy weight. That's how the human body works. It tries it's best to stay healthy. So simple is that. 

Day 19

Has your eating disorder ever held you back from something? If so, explain.

It has held me back from so many things.. There have been people gatherings that I haven't been able to go to because I was so afraid of the food and what people think of me. I've missed out in school because I had to stay home to focus on recovery (I was about to relapse). It has held me back on doing things I like and love like having girl nights out, sleepovers, go out to eat, eat my favourite ice cream and simply enjoy life. Now it's my time to get that back.

Day 18

Here’s a challenge. Come up with a hobby you’ve never done or haven’t done in a while that has NOTHING to do with eating or exercising or cooking. Totally non eating disorder related. What is your hobby? Why did you choose it?

Horse-riding. I didn’t choose it because of the exercise, and I’ve never ridden with the thought of “exercise” in my head, but because when I’m riding I feel completely free, ED and mental illness free, and I LOVE it! 

Have you ever seen such a beautiful horse as this one? Nope, that's what I thought. I am a proud owner of this stallion and he's just perfect! The man in the first photo is my grandpa btw :) 

Day 17

 What does being fat TRULY mean to you?

Being fat doesn’t really mean anything special to me. I don’t want to get fat and Ana keeps telling me that I can’t continue being this way aka. fat. Ana tells me that being fat is disgusting, depressing and the root to all my problems. But that is so far away from the truth as possible. I know that, but believing it is the hard part…

Day 16

How would you help a close friend or family member if they developed an eating disorder?

 I have a close friend dealing with an ED and I try to be there for her as much as I can. I reassure her constantly that she is more than good enough, that her body needs fuel, and that there is more in this world than calories, food and over-exercise. I can’t fight her battles for her, but I can be a true friend and be there for her as much as I can. 

Day 15

Post a picture of you before you ever developed an eating disorder. What emotions were you feeling in this picture? Describe your picture.

I didn't know what picture I should choose because I don't know exactly when it all started. I mean, I stopped bringing lunch to school in second/third grade, so yeah, you see my problem?

But here's the photo I chose:

This is me and my little brother during the summer of 2009. I wasn't completely ED free there and I remember that on our zoo trip that summer that I didn't want anything from a café there or a free gingerbread cookie they were giving away in a little train that went through some part of the park. BUT if I was hungry, I ate. Or well, most of the time. I didn't know I had a problem during that time, and first now am I "discovering" that I've dealt with an ED for a loooong time now. 

What I am feeling in this picture? I was really insecure since mom was taking a full body photo, but I never even liked those when I was younger so may not be ED related (?) But I was happy. and yeah a bid of a true teenage girl, as you can see by my pose haha! I mean, common, I had JUST finished 7th grade and was like totally grown-up! ;)

Day 14

How do your friends and family feel about your eating disorder?

 They are really supportive and understanding. My family is really put down by it and worry about me, especially my grandma, but it only shows how much I mean to them and that again motivates me to get better because they deserve so much more. 

Day 13

Do you believe you can ever fully recover from an eating disorder? Explain.

 I want to believe that I can. At the moment, it feels like it will always be a part of me, like an arm or a leg, something that I won’t be able to get rid of. But I like being positive and thinking that the road ahead will eventually be completely ED-free. The thought of being in this hell for the rest of my life terrifies me. And if it will be that way, then so be it. I don't have to think about that now, when all I can do is be positive.