Who am I?

I’m home from school today because I’m really fighting to stick to recovery these days. Everything in school triggers me, and I’m extremely triggered now and that’s not a good thing. I really want to get better, but being in school with all those people that judge me, look at me and talk about me while I’m really hurting really doesn’t make things any better. I know I can’t isolate myself, but now I really want to… I need time to think. Think about how I’m going to tackle this, to get to know myself outside my eating disorder and etc.

I’ve been feeling extremely empty recently. I can stare at an empty wall for hours if I didn’t have to do other things. I am completely absent. I don’t have any hobbies, except photography, I don’t have anything outside of school; I really don’t have anything anymore. My eating disorder took everything!

Before the summer vacation and during the summer I was in a hospital. During that time I was only a patient. A patient locked up and not connected to anything at all. And the time before that I wasn’t me at all, so who am I really?

The only thing I know about myself is that I’m a girl with diagnoses, more than one and more than two. I know I enjoy photography, but that’s all. It’s o sad and pathetic.

Right now I sit here in front of the laptop and I couldn’t feel emptier. I’m not sad, I’m not frustrated, I’m not happy, I’m not ok. I’m just here. Nothing really matters anymore. I’m neither me nor a patient anymore. I’m nothing.  I can feel the control slipping through my fingers. It disappears a little every day. I’m losing everything I’ve had for almost 4 years. I can’t remember what I had before that.

I’ve changed so much since before my ED, and I can’t expect myself to be the person I was back then again. In addition to that I only was 13 years old at that time, and no one I know is the same person at 17 years old as they were at 13. You get much more mature during that time. I know I’ve gotten more mature, but I’ve always been mature. So I don’t really know. My life has kind of always been around my ED.

Hehe I know, it’s a really depressing post, but hey, that’s how my life is atm.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not giving up on recovery! I’m trying to continue it, but it’s hard.

p.s. I haven't gotten into making the blog look good, I simply don't have the time or the energy. But I will get to it soon!