What is Ana doing to you?

I was with my psychology specialist yesterday and she really made me think. What is it that I am trying to achieve? What is it my eating disorder wants me to achieve?
      I did not need to think for long. Of course it is to be thinner, better and more beautiful. That is all I have ever wanted to achieve. Do I want to be perfect? Eh YES. Of course do I want to be perfect, who doesn't?
     But when will I achieve perfectness? I’ll be perfect when I am thin, beautiful and good enough.
     When will I achieve being “beautiful enough”? I answered: when people will notice me.
     When will I be “thin enough”? I answered: when I can see that it is enough.

That is a dangerous thought don’t you think? Measuring myself by my distorted thoughts. Will I ever achieve those goals? There is a quite simple answer to that: Nope. The thinner I’ll get, the higher the standards get. Achieving “perfectness” is undoable. It is impossible. Just like when I made myself a goal weight and said: “when I will be x kg, I’ll be satisfied”. But what happened when I got to that weight? “Just five more kg and I’ll be happy” that’s what happened. And that is how it continued, and would have continued till I disappeared, if I had not been stopped. The standards got higher as the weight got lower. 

While Ana (Anorexia Nervosa) is making you want to achieve perfectness (which is not achievable), she is actually dragging you as far away from it as possible. It is different from person to person what ‘perfect’ is, but it most often goes on appearances (hair, eyes, smile, face, body and such things). As well as wanting you to achieve her standards of ‘beauty’ and ‘perfect’, she is dragging you down with her, not letting you eat, making you restrict, making you feel guilty and making you completely paranoid. By doing like she says, you won’t reach her standards. Not only because they are unreachable, but also because you destroy your body. 
Your smile disappears and her empty look comes instead. The glimpse in your eyes that once exampled your joy and happiness will be long gone and replaced by a sad glimpse of tears. Your beautiful hair that used to flax in the wind will fall out in clumps and your skin gets dry like a desert. The life as you know it collapses. You won’t be yourself anymore, you will be her. But what is she? Who is Ana?  

We all have different opinion on her and we all experience her differently. She is not the same for anyone. No two Ana’s can be compared to each other. 

For me she is bossy. She’s a bully. Her voice is the voices of my bullies that are constantly on repeat in my head. She is every bad word in the dictionary. She never lets me catch a break and take a deep breath. But she is also a friend. She is a friend that has been there for me for a long time. When I felt alone and forgotten, she was there telling me that everything will be OK, as long as I lost a few pounds. She assured me that everything would be OK, if only I would drop lunch. She assured me that starving myself would make me feel a lot better and people would start liking me. But as the time went by she got stronger. She told me to disappear. To be so small that no one could see me anymore, because no one noticed me either way. I was a wallflower, and she told me I could as well be dead. That it would not make a difference for the world if I wasn’t present. She is a mean ‘little’ devil sitting on my shoulder, criticizing my every move. 
 Even though my heart was beating (and still is), I wasn't alive. She took my life away and replaced me with herself. I might have been called M, but in my head M’s thoughts didn’t matter. I was lost. I am first now finding myself again, even though I get lost once in awhile, I fight to find me again. And that is what matters. 

What is common with every Ana out there is that nothing she says is true, she’s a liar. Even though she tells you that what she says is the truth and nothing but the truth, she is lying. She couldn’t be more wrong. She is a murderer that comes uninvited into your life and does everything to see you suffer. She manipulates you with her sneaky ways to think that she is your friend, when everything she is, is your worst enemy that doesn’t want you anything good. And if you don’t fight, she will eventually kill you. Take your life away and put it nicely on her shelf as an award among so many other awards. Too many other awards. She keeps an ever going list of records over life she has succeeded with snapping away from innocent human beings with her sneaky ways. All you can do is fight. Fight till she disappears into the corner, scared and afraid of the strong, fantastic soldier you have become. You got to keep going and be a hell of a soldier that does not let a criminal like Ana boss him around! Fight like you have never fought before, that is the only thing that works!

Day 20

 I feel eating disorders have somehow been glamorized. Explain your opinion on this.
You have probably seen those 'pro-ana', 'pro mia' or 'thinspo' pictures, IG accounts, Tumblr accounts and even facebook sites and blogs. It is horrible, disgusting and sad. It is sad that teenagers out there look at anorexics and think: "omg, her legs are perfect!" "I want a thighgap like that!" "I wish my ribcase was as visible as hers". It is so sad that I get tears in my eyes just by thinking about it. We who suffer don't wish for this illness. It is an ILLNESS, a mental ILLNESS, not a body shape or perfection. It is an illness! It comes with an unmeasurable amount of pain, suffering and sadness. I can't describe all the feelings that pass my head after meals. I suffer in silence for a whole day just by eating breakfast. I restrict sometimes, and I am NOT proud of it because all it does is destroy my body even more. Not giving your body the nutrients and amount of energy it needs to function on daily bases is NOT cool. It is sad. It is sad that you feel like you can't eat lunch because you'll get fat. That is such a bullshit! Your body NEEDS food, it NEEDS energy, it NEEDS nutrients. So eat that god damn brownie or sandwich or cupcake or what ever you want because your body NEEDS it! Screw the 'thigh gap' because it doesn't exist. It is something we humans have made up thinking that it is the sign of a healthy, fit, beautiful body. But you know what? It is so NOT healthy. Unless it is natural for your body to have the 'thigh gap', but that is not something anyone should be working towards if it isn't normal for their body. Every body has its own healthy weight, a wheight where it your body is happy, healthy, functions properly and it is natural for it to stay at. No one will gain forever (unless you eat 5000+ kcal a day). If you eat properly and healthy, you will gain till you are at a healthy weight. That's how the human body works. It tries it's best to stay healthy. So simple is that. 

Day 16

How would you help a close friend or family member if they developed an eating disorder?

 I have a close friend dealing with an ED and I try to be there for her as much as I can. I reassure her constantly that she is more than good enough, that her body needs fuel, and that there is more in this world than calories, food and over-exercise. I can’t fight her battles for her, but I can be a true friend and be there for her as much as I can. 

Day 11

List 10 PHYSICAL features you like about yourself.

 Omg, this is so hard! I don’t really like anything about myself at the moment, I dislike almost everything and I don’t like looking at my body because it triggers me because it’s “too fat and disgusting”. That is at least what the demon on my shoulder keeps telling me. I don’t think this list is going to be long but here it goes:

1. I have a birthmark right besides my left eye that I actually like

2. I have a light birthmark below my right eye that I like. I and birthmarks have a weirdly good relationship.

3. My ears, weirdly enough, but I like them :P I guess that’s because they are similar to my grandma’s ears.

4. My eye-color, it’s light blue, just like my grandma’s

5. I like my hair, even though it’s really thin and keeps falling out. I like how long it has gotten J 

6. I think that’s it. Because I don’t want to trigger anyone I won’t mention the anorexic things I like about my body. 

A normal teenager for half a day

Yesterday I was going to restrict. I felt humongous and disgusting, but then I read my favourite blog that always helps me through tough times and motivates me to continue recovery, even when I am about to give up (www.living-with-anorexia.blogspot.com) You should really check out her blog, she's amazing!!
But yeah back to me. Like I said, I read the blog and it motivated me to fight, so what did I do? well, I went down the toughest, stressfulest, hardest stairs I've ever have gone down. It's the same stair as I always walk up and down at least once a day at school, but they've never been this tough to climb. I went to the cantine to buy something to eat. Some REAL food, not diet yoghurt or 0% fat products. REAL wholegrain baguette with a cut up meatball, pickle, onion and mustard dressing (!!) It was so good and I didn't let the guilt sneak up on me. No matter how hard it tried, I didn't let it get to me. And I'm proud!

Later that day, I went to the supermarket with my mom and guess who got her pre ed favourite icecream?! Yes, it was ME! Magnum whitechocolate strawberry icecream. It was DELICIOUS!
Did I restrict after that? Nope. I had dinner wich was wholegrain couscous with a soft egg and mini tomatoes. After that I went out to a party. The first one in over a year! Due to my struggles I haven't been able to party, and nope I don't drink. I don't want to. I don't see anything charming with underage youths drinking with the one mission: drink as much as they can in the shortest possible time. But yeah, I had fun with my friends and actually felt like a normal teenager for once :-D I danced like an idiot and laughed like one as well.

My classmates kept saying how glad they were to see me and asking me if I was having fun. They are amazing and so nice! (they know that I'm struggling)
Yesterday afternoon was really nice and I don't regret a thing!
Over and out
-M xoxo

Day 7

 Sorry for continuing this 30days challenge so late hehe, buuut I will finish it sometime ;) 

Do you think the media contributes to the growing rate of girls developing eating disorders younger and younger?

Well, everything has its consequences and effects on PEOPLE (not only girls, but boys as well) that are sensitive for developing an ED and yes, I have to say that media contributes to the growing rates. They put the standards for “good enough” higher and higher. It’s always: “you’ll be prettier, better, hotter and etc, if you use this and that and these products.” Why can’t we just be enough, just the way we are? 

When will I learn to love myself?

When my dad was here 3 weeks ago I lost weight. A lot of weight considering he only was here for 5 days. I lost whole 3 kg!! Since then, I've lost 2 more kg. A part of me is proud, really proud! But have I been working towards this the last 3 months? No, not at all. I haven't been striving towards recovery to let Ana take control. I've been working towards happiness, but I've ended up pretty miserable.

I want to have a normal relationship with food. That's all I wish for. I don't get hungry, and worst of all, I don't get full. I don't know those two feelings anymore and I'm terrified of binging. I've only binged once, luckily enough, because the guilt that came afterwards almost killed me.

I want to be healthy, I want to feel normal, I want to be happy, I want to feel comfortable in my own body and be confident, but I don't know how to anymore. Or have I ever known how that feels?

I've never been comfortable in my own body. Never. Not even as a child. You could say I've had a kind of an ed since, well, forever. I always thought "no, I can't eat that, I'll get fatter." Not only fat, but fatter because I felt unbelievably huge.

And am I just gonna learn to love myself now at age 17? Almost 18?! I guess I'll just have to. That's what recovery is for, right?

Why continue?

Why exactly am I doing this? Why am I pushing myself so hard everyday when I can just lay around and show my middle finger to the rest of the world? When I can experience my dream, my dream weight and dream life. Why don't I just give up on this eating, eating, eating, when that's all I want to do at times?

I have an answer for that.

Today was a shitty day, well the days before that were that also, but today was even worse. It has come to that point that I don't cry anymore. When I get sad, I get so extremely sad that all I do is stare into an empty wall and completely fade out. At that moment I ain't myself, I ain't anyone. I've disappeared, mentally, but physically I'm still there. I haven't cried in a long long time, or well, since July this year when I was inpatient and my mom came to visit me after we've been 6 weeks apart. Today that changed.

You should probably know some background details:
My dad doesn't understand how routines around mealtimes are for me to be able to fight this demon. He has been staying with us since Monday and I've dropped many meals since then, eaten less than 1000 kcal in one day when I'm really supposed to have 2500. And yes, I'm in a relapse.

Back to why my period of no crying took an end today:
I felt really guilty, miserable and ashamed both because I hadn't eaten and because I'm having a really bad body-image day today and I knew I had to eat but I didn't want to. I didn't know what to do, so I decided to call my ultimate favourite person in the whole world: my grandma. I needed to ventile to someone I knew would support me, incourage me and make me feel a lot better. Also I hadn't talked to her in a while and I really missed her.
At the exact moment I heard her voice, I felt the "crying feeling". The feeling of your throat closing up, your eyes getting wet and actually a feeling of relief by finally getting it all out.  It felt SO good! She always makes me feel better, no matter what. She has always been there for me and she is my rolemodel.
She incouraged me to get up and make me dinner (even though it was 21:30) and told me how great and strong I am. I love her.

She is the one that got me into recovery. She cried while begging me to get better. She was terrified of losing me and she had already lost me into the disorder. Seeing her crying because of me made me want to try recovery just for her, because she deserves so much better. So much better than having a grandchild wich worries her that much.
If I would give up on recovery now, I won't be disappointing her. I would be disappointing myself. I would make my grandma even more worried than she already is, and that would literally kill me. I can't do that to her.
That is why I will do my ultimate best to recover. For my grandma because she deserves so much more.

-M ♥

So much more

An eating disorder isn’t only about wanting to be thinner and weigh as little as possible, it is so much more than that. It is about control, about getting hold of something in your life again. You feel like everything is slipping away from you, and you search for control. Unfortunately, food becomes a scapegoat.

 All of a sudden, like a thunder from a clear sky, it turns into an intense fear of food, to be more specific: calories. Calories become monsters, monsters that will hunt you every minute of every hour of every day, when in fact they are just a measurement of energy. Energy that is necessary for every living thing on the planet. No energy = no life. What will keep our bodies going if we don’t get any energy?

We humans do not photosynthesize, so the only way to get energy is through food. But when having an ED, you do not care about that. You don’t care if you are dead or alive. You feel dead, and you wouldn’t care if you were in fact dead. You don’t see any point in living, you do not have any energy, you do not have any social life because well, the ED took that away as well, and your health is shitty, because guess what! The lack of nourishment is eating you up, inside out. It is a slow process to suicide.

But what happens when you’ve been stuck in this pattern for a long long time and you’ve decided to want to change it? Maybe it is too late. Maybe your body is about to give up. Even though you mentally are ready to fight off those demons, your body might be worn out. The earlier you decide to fight, the better.

1 in every 5 of those suffering from Anorexia Nervosa dies. That is 20%. There is a bigger possibility to survive cancer than Anorexia; that is unbelievable, right? To me it isn’t. I, like other anorexics, know how powerful and destructive this disorder can be. The thoughts that hunt you down and drag you down with them. That drown you and mentally kill you. People, who haven’t experienced it, don’t know. They don’t understand.  And I guess they never will. And that is probably for the best. 

Day 2

What does recovery mean to you?
Late winter nights, fudgie brownies, warm cocoa while it's snowing outside.
Late summernights, barbeque, baked potato with cream cheese, soda, icecream and not be freezing in 20 degrees Celsius.

That is what recovery means to me. I want to get my life back, be able to enjoy every moment like it is my last, without thinking and worrying about food and calories. I want to be able to go out on a Friday night with friends and get whatever I want, no matter how many calories. I want to live a normal teenage life where overdosing on chocolate won't kill me and drinking to much soda won't mentally drown me.
I want to get my health back, mental and physical. I want to get rid of chestpains, stomach cramps and hurting joints.

In short terms: I want to feel alive again!

Day 1

Ok….. this is going to be tough. I don’t even know if I want to, it’s too embarrassing and the number is way too high…… but I guess to challenge myself and my ED, I have to… ok, here it goes: I’m 176 cm (5”9) and 63 kg (138 lbs). I am struggling with Anorexia and I have struggled with it since 2009, with periods of EDNOS with anorexic tendencies.  I’ve been in recovery for 2 and ½ months now.

30 day eatingdisorder recovery challenge

I am going to begin on this 30 day ED-recovery challenge and see how that goes. I'm not feeling particularly good and recovery isn't going as well as I would like it to be. Hopefully this will help me :) 

1. List your stats (height/weight). What eating disorder are/have you struggled with?

2. What does recovery mean to YOU?

3. List 10 NON physical things you like about yourself.

4. What are factors that contributed in your choice to recover? 

5. What actions do you believe could be taken in the future to help prevent your child(ren) or close friends from ever developing an eating disorder?

6. What was your favorite meal before your ED? What is your favorite meal now?

7. Do you think the media contributes to the growing rate of girls developing eating disorders younger and younger?

8. Create a list of all the positive things your eating disorder has given you. (This day should be short haha.)

9. Create a list of all the negative things your eating disorder has given you.

10. Does anyone in your close family have an eating disorder? If so, do you think it had an impact on you developing one?

11. List 10 PHYSICAL features you like about yourself.

12. Post a picture of 1 thing you ate today. 

13. Do you believe you can ever fully recover from an eating disorder? Explain.

14. How do your friends and family feel about your eating disorder?

15. Post a picture of you before you ever developed an eating disorder. What emotions were you feeling in this picture? Describe your picture.

16. How would you help a close friend or family member if they developed an eating disorder?

17. What does being fat TRULY mean to you?

18. Here’s a challenge. Come up with a hobby you’ve never done or haven’t done in awhile that has NOTHING to do with eating or exercising or cooking. Totally non eating disorder related. What is your hobby? Why did you chose it?

19. Has your eating disorder ever held you back from something? If so, explain.

20. I feel eating disorders have somehow been glamorized. Explain your opinion on this.

21. Who has been the biggest contributor of your recovery in your life? Explain.

22. Describe your goals for your future. 

23. List 2 positive things that happened to you today.

24. Where were you in terms of your eating disorder 6 months ago? Describe how you’ve changed.

25. What are your ‘fear foods’? I CHALLENGE you to eat one today. Dare you. Do it.

26. Eating disorders often come hand in hand with social anxiety and or depression. Start 1 conversation today with someone you don’t normally speak to. How did it go?

27. Create a letter of everything you would write to your eating disorder as if it were a real life person.

28. What do you need to improve on in order to advance mentally and or physically towards recovery? Explain how you plan on actually moving forward with these goals!

29. Challenge yourself again in some way today. Whether it be being more social, eating more, eating another fear food, etc. Explain.

30. List your stats again. Did this help you at all?

Thank you

I’m sitting here with tears in my eyes. I can’t believe how sweet people can be! All the things they say to me really make a difference in my life. They motivate me and help me to see that I am worth it, and it’s not always I think I am. I’ve gotten to know so many fantastic people through this process, it’s almost unbelievable. Or well, it is unbelievable. The nurses, other patients, people through tumblr and Instagram  and etc.  

It is quite funny that my new friends are the one that are my most supportive friends. Maybe that is because they know. They know what I am going through and either have been through it or are going through it. We don’t affect each other negatively, not at all. We motivate and support each other. I love it and I LOVE them! Worst part is that they live very far away, mostly in other countries. But we send packages and letters to each other to brighten up each other’s days :) 

There are so many people I am thankful for that the list would never end! My family members, close friends and not so close friends. I’m first now realizing how many people actually care about me, and it’s a fantastic feeling. My ED made me think no one cared, that I was unloved and unwanted, but that was just the ED talking. Sometimes that feeling comes back, but I manage to beat it down, distract myself by watching TV, surf Tumblr and instagram or do other things I like. Sometimes I even feel so strong that I eat! Unbelievable but true.

Stay strong! ♥
-M

Challenges challenges challenges

There are challenges around every corner. I challenge myself every single minute of every single day. I never thought I would make it this far, but I have. The time passes unbelievably fast and at times I can't follow it. I just kind of float with the stream. At school, I am "just kind of there". Waiting for the time to pass so I can go home and be alone. My Ana doesn't think I deserve having friends. She is upset, she's furious. I am eating as normally as I can and I do my best to do exactly the opposite of what she says, but I end up every single evening with a panic attack. My heart beating at 300 mph and it hurts. An aching pain swirling around in my chest, killing every little bit of hope that's left.

But the next day, when I wake up, I'm fully motivated (or at least nearly) and I kick my ass out of bed to eat breakfast. It's easier when I have enough time, no stress, and can enjoy the moment of actually completing something I never thought I would be able to do. I don't want to isolate myself, and I promise I won't, but it sure seems the best solution from time to time.

I'm hanging in there and doing the best I can, but it's hard to eat when you're not hungry... I don't get hungry anymore. I just feel dizzy and weird because of lack of energy, that reminds me to eat. Sometimes 10 times passes until I actually remember to eat. That happens especially when I'm at school...
I'm working on it though.

My weight bounces up and down, up and down, up and down. It's not stable and I guess that's partly waterweight and partly restriction at school 's fault. A.k.a. my fault.
It's all my fault, I know that. I was the one who got myself to this point, and I know am the only one who is able to get me back up from there, so I'm doing my best!
-M

B to the I to the G, BIG mistake!

I did a BIG mistake! Capital B, capital I, capital G mistake!
I forgot to pack lunch for school... and I won't be home till 14:30 and I ate breakfast at 6:30. I can't restrict, I don't want a worse relapse than it already is! What to do??
We have a cafeteria here at school, but I can't eat food someone I don't trust has prepared.... it's a major fearfood of mine!
Maybe I just have to challenge myself and fight through it? One baguette won't kill me. Worse case scenior is that it will ruin the rest of my day, but that's really hard to do since I'm going to see Jeff Dunham tonight! I'm really looking forward to that, since I didn't get to travel to the Netherlands this week on a school project...
But I have to look on the bright side of life!

Gotta love Monty Python! especially on tough days like this one.
Stay strong!

About me

I am going to tell you a little about myself, here it goes:
I'm a 17 years old girl with several diagnosis of mental disorders, I was 5 years old when I got the 1st one... So mylife has pretty much swirled arround my mental health and trying to fit in with the rest and be normal. I've been bullied a lot, you can read more about that here. And the past 3 years have been particularly tough. with EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified) that evolved to Anorexia Nervosa, and my other disorders got worse. From May to August, I was in a hospital for 9 weeks all in all. Not much considering, but way too much if you ask me! Never going back!!

But over to something fun!
I'm 176 cm or about 5"9, pretty tall, but I like it
I've got light blue eyes and my haircolor is light brown.
My birthday is on Valentines day... or should I call it "removal day" since I was taken by cesection and not technically born? :P
I'm studying science in upper secondary school and I love it! I've always loved school and learning, not weird considering my mom and aunt are teachers. I'm a high achiever and I don't settle for anything less than an A or at least a B+. Somewhat a good quality, but I tend to have way too high expectations for myself and that's not a good thing. 

I love photography and on crappy days I can completely cut out all my problems by snapping some photos.
I also loooooove chocolate! It tastes like heaven, I literally can't live without it!

I hope you got to know a little bit more about me, and if you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! 

-M

Mental-challenge day

Today has been a very long short day. On Mondays I'm done at school at 10:40 so by that terms it's a short day, but this one has been a long one. 1. we had our classphoto taken this morning (mental challenge). 2. I forgot my keys so when I finally arrived at home I had to walk all the way to my brother's school ca 2 km away. Get the keys, walk back home and then FINALLY I was home! During my way home from school I "only" took a little over 6000 steps. Heh, todays work out finished! and more than that actually, since I'm not allowed to "work out" more than necessary in a daily life due to I´m a recovering "exercise-aholic". I had to put everything I had into not running. It's a habit of mine to always run up and down hills, so this was Another mental challenge I faced today. Pretty proud of myself!
And to make it even better: I´m really struggling now to keep down the chocolate cake I had for midday snack, but guess what!? I wont give into those thoughts because I'm worth so much more than that! Throwing up won't get me anywhere. I'm in recovery for a reason, so purging is NOT an option!

BTW I have now crossed out 9 items of my fearfood list!
Maybe I'll post it here soon, just for me to look back to in the future and see how far I've gone from today, and ofc for you if you're interested :) 

p.s. I'm SUPER nervous about posting this photo, I don't like showing my thighs, but guess what Ana?! I will challenge you to the ground!

-M

I look forward to winter!

I'm freeeeeeeezing! Autumn is definetely here in Norway now. I like the autumn and I LOVE the winter, but when the houses are made of wood and are poorly isolated, it's not as much fun. I like to sleep in a warm bed and not wake up with a cold, but I guess that's not an option hehe. The radiators take a lot of electrizity, so we try as much as we can to not use them. But of course if it's too cold, we turn them on.

I can't wait till the snow is here. It makes everything so pretty and bright. It covers all the uglyness, the dead grass, the trash on the streets and etc. It makes the world look so beautiful.

The holidays make everyone in such a good mood, filled with excitement and niceness. That makes the holiday so much easier for people like me, the people who are depressed during christmas time. Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with my family and cuddle up in a blanket to watch a christmas movie which usually ends ridicoulsy beautifully, watching the snow falling outside the window and etc. But the food and too much sosialisation make me irritated and depressed, and probably because of former experiences arround christmas which I won't go further into.
But I look forward to it. It makes me happy and relaxed to see the pople I love be happy. It doesn't matter to me how I'm feeling, since I'm used to feeling this way.

 I haven’t been feeling particularly good since yesterday. But I won’t bore you with depressing anorexic thoughts, they’re not healthy and I know that. So ignoring those thoughts is the only thing I can do at this moment, or at least try my best to.

Tough time and snack

My evening snack for tonight is an organic Superfruit raw food bar. Delicious!
Ana has been really tough on me today and I'm about to give up, but I wont. I wont let myself to give up now when I've come so far. I will recover sometime, and if I give up now, the next time I try recovery it will be A LOT harder. It's hard enough now, so no, I won't give up!
-M