Positive outlook on what is left to come

I like writing my pain away. Why you may ask?
Well, it is relieving, it calms me down, it makes me see things from another perspective, I get to know myself much better by reading what I write, and at last but not least: I get to read it later in life and see how much I've grown and how far I've come from being really ill. I sure hope that sometime in the future I can look back and think how thankful I am for not being in that place anymore. Because I am sooooo done with being this way!
I want to be healthy, I want to be normal, I want to be able to stick to plans and not backing out because of fright, suicidal behaviors, destructive thoughts, purging, low energy, having to exercise, chest pains, depression, panic attacks or the bipolar being in action (which it always is, but sometimes it is hyper active).

I want to say good bye to my ED and all the other mental illnesses for good. I am working my way towards that, and someday, sometime I will be able to proudly declare that I in fact am HEALTHY!

I have an appointment with an ED specialist on Tuesday and I can't wait! She is so nice and I really think that she will be able to help me. I don't know if I've written about her before, but she comes all the way from the city (1 hour away) just to talk to me! That is so unreal for me! I've till now, been the patient that no one really cares about. That doesn't get informed when her appointment has to be reschedule (happened to me once, and I had traveled with bus for more than half an hour just to be informed that my therapist was sick... and yeah, that sucked) or everyone, and by that I mean EVERYONE she talks to get's sick or don't have enough time for her... But now, there is a psychologist actually interested in ME! I can't believe that!! FINALLY am I going to get the help I need here in Norway!!!

I am scared of what's coming, but I am so excited as well. Such a weird combo, but I know that I am going to make the appointments with her matter. Not just sit there silently, not willing to open myself up and talk openly about Ana.

Right now, my Ana thoughts are so strong. She is telling me that  I shouldn't eat anything because I have to be "sick enough" to deserve the help I'm getting. That I should restrict and not give a damn about what anyone thinks of that. That I have to be thin, thin as a skeleton to deserve being helped. But you know what I do to concur this *bitch* ? I challenge the hell out of her! Brownie, coffee cake, hot chocolate, chocolate, pizza, apple pie, ice cream and other things have been stuffed down her throat the past 3 days, and I am pretty damn proud of that :) Even though she is mad and making me feel miserable, I know that it is her, the disorder, not me. I am gonna write another post about those thoughts soon