Puzzle pieces

Woke up, 5:30 am, more than ready to start the day of. I lay in bed till 5:45 and then decided to get out of bed and make myself a delicious breakfast a.k.a. porridge with mango and cocos. I ate and felt kind of motivated. I actually looked forward to school, but all of a sudden everything changed. It went from a good day, to a terrible one in 0.01 seconds. Everything came razing down. I was in the middle of math class, actually only half an hour in to it and still had 2 hours left. I just sat there, staring in to nothing and I was senseless at that moment and felt everything around me racing down like a waterfall.

I am tired, so extremely tired of seeing things that aren’t real. No I’m not schizophrenic, I am talking about fat. I see fat everywhere, even my toes are fat. I see a belly that is way too huge and makes a “beautiful” muffin top over my pant line.  I see thighs that literally jiggle in the wind. I see calves that could be real calves, that’s how huge they are. I see a double chin bigger than Mount Everest. I see arms that look like arms on an obese person and at last but not least, I see cheeks that are blown up like balloons.

I know that these things aren’t true. I know how Ana is disturbing my thoughts, but seeing this 24/7, every time I look in the mirror and every time I look at myself, makes it too real to not believe it. At times it gets too much, way too much. That’s what happened today at school. I began crying, in the middle of class, over my breakfast that I btw ate two HOURS earlier! The regret, the shame, the disappointment was enormous. My head was weird. I couldn’t concentrate, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t listen. The only thing I could do was look in the mirror and cry while feeling my rib, chest, collar and hip bones. Nothing sexual, only Ana being Ana. I wasn’t me anymore. I was Ana.

More and more of me is constantly getting washed away, but at the same moment I am always finding new pieces that I didn’t know existed. It’s like a puzzle and I’ve finally understood that some of those pieces that I’ve been struggling puzzling together simply do not fit. And all this time I have been desperately forcing them together and didn’t understand why they always fell apart again.

I haven’t found all the pieces yet, and I am still forcing pieces together to feel and look more “whole”. But even though I want them to fit, they don’t. I just have to accept the fact that this process takes time and in the end, I will have all my pieces in the right place. Even though it is on my death-bed, they will all fit together sometime.