Falling whole into a black hole

I’m falling. I am falling fast and deep into the unknown. Not exactly the unknown though, because I know it way too well. The kind of well no one should know. I need help. I desperately need help, and that fast. I don’t like asking for help, but I don’t have any choice. Not now. If I don’t ask for help, it will get worse. Way worse. I need someone to catch me, because I’m not able to do so myself. I have tried. I know it all comes down to me, but at this moment, I’ve tried everything. Literally everything and I am exhausted. I am exhausted of trying, but I don’t want to give up. I don’t have the energy to fight against those demons by myself much longer, and it hurts. It hurts that I am not doing well. It hurts because I feel like I am disappointing everyone around me. I am supposed to be better now, but I am not. I can’t take care of myself anymore because I simply don’t have the energy. I don’t know what is going on and it scares me. It scares the hell out of me. I try to put on a smile though because I feel like I am failing and I don’t want to bring everyone else around me down with me. I just want to be normal, the kind of normal where I don’t have to fight off big scary monsters every day to survive. Where those thoughts and voices leave me alone and I get to be myself fully and truly.

Everyday, there are tears running down my chins while all I want to do is to scream. My head is screaming. It is loud and it’s hurtful. I’m constantly battling the shame, guilt, disappointment and evilness in my mind. I am mad, I am furious and I am frustrated at the world and most of all, at myself. Everything around me, included myself, swirls into a black hole. Especially in the evenings when I know I’ll be alone for a long time, too many hours. Hours where I can’t distract my thoughts by surfing the internet, talking to people that make me feel better, looking for advices to fight even harder through the day or watch something fun. I will be alone for a long long time, all by myself.  All I want to do is to curl up beside my mom, feel her comfortable smell and fall asleep where I know I am safe. Where I know that if anything happens she is there to safe me. Even it is in my nightmares, she will be there by my side holding my hand, helping me battling off the monsters that attack me because she is the best mom in the whole entire world.